Simon says buh-bye

I lost interest halfway through the season. But I am back to see off my boy Simon.

Seacrest says that the race is tight between the two finalists. But when he asks the crowd to cheer for each one, the noise is way louder for Lee. I, however, already know that the chick won because of the awesome way that AI always runs over into the next show and I DVR all of my shows. So, thanks for that, Fox.

We start off with another crappy group song from the top ten. That bass player is hot. Wait, those Alice Cooper kids are cool. Hey, Alice Cooper? Awesome. Are Wayne and Garth gonna pop out, too? (I hear they are friends with the Coop).

Seriously, that bassist looks like what I imagine Taylor Momsen (Gossip Girl) thinks she looks like.

Hey, it's that guy from last season. I still can't remember his name. He is so unremarkable. Apparently the AI people think so, too, as they left the mics on during the beginning of his song, so we can hear Seacrest talk to the director. Oops. I wonder if That Guy is still married to his little blonde girl. I always feel like people who were married before becoming famous never stay married to that person. But he is still wearing his ring. Yup, still married, according to IMDB. Impressive.

Ooh, a Simon retrospective. Let's see how his Monchichi hairstyle has evolved over the years...

WOW. Seacrest and Randy are bad actors, and I am not paring homage to Michael Jackson here. Yikes. That little pseudo-celebration was hokey. I guess they did it on purpose to avoid the wrath of the Simon Cowell. Still.

Ugh, I forgot how bad this season was. I had selective amnesia. Everyone basically sucked. I feel like I am on a cheap cruise being forced to suffer through the "entertainment" in order to get at the free buffet and drink my face off. (Though, vicious circle? Bad entertainment=drinking more?).

Ooh! BeeGees! Damn, they can't hit their signature notes anymore. We need Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon to save the day.

Michael McDonald got old. Hmm, guess that happens. I hate that because I don't feel like I am getting older, yet he was old when I loved him as a little person. He sounds sooo good. He looks good, too. We'll just ignore the awkward hand grab/release thing the two Michaels did at the end.

Now it is time for the insult song. I have one, too.

(Sing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star).

This show is pretty stupid now, as we say bye to Simon Cowell.

What will next season look like, without the snark of that British guy?

(Poetic license in effect!)

Who cares? No one will see.

At least I can guarantee it won't be me.

Maybe I will not be following in Kara's footsteps and become a songwriter.

Are they trying to make Dane Cook relevant again? Remember when he was kind of funny? I saw him with Jen at the Improv and we laughed and clapped, and hi-fived the guys we shared a table with. I even have a signed comedy CD from him. Now I hide it.

The people are rhythmic clapping? Ugh. I hate that. Oh no! Muffin top attack. Is that the girl from Manassas? Yikes. Oh, the nauseating camera rip away from the creeps on stage. Maybe they were trying to say that Dane fit in with the creepy AI Castaways. Glad that's over.

Dude, the cleave is out on these ladies. Holy smokes. They are singing Christina's "Beautiful" and I guess they are like, and if you don't think I am beautiful, at least check out my rack. But that is a hard song to sing, and they did not sing it well.

Geez, who is their choreographer?

Oh, I would not be singing with Christina Aguilera. No way. That child could make anyone sound bad. She has the most talented singing voice I have ever heard. I am judging the hell out of her though for her hair and outfit. Wouldn't this sad ballad have earned a pretty dress? It looks like she forgot part of her costume and the way the tights and the bodysuit come together, it accentuates that part where the leg goes into the hip and it looks so weird.

Ricky Gervais!! Yay. Hmm, jokes fell flat. Oops. Is Ricky a vampire? He has the longest canines I have ever seen.

I like Lee. He has a great voice and that little bit of rasp that I adore. I'd rather he win. (Not that I am invested). Maybe Crystal can afford a dentist now. Though, did Bo Bice ever fix his jacked up mouth? This choreography is sooooo awkward. I feel weird watching them. Embarrassed. It seems like all the older singers are losing their upper registers. They can't quite get those higher notes. Sad. Otherwise they sound great. I love Hall and Oates. Especially the clapping songs like Private Eyes *clap* are watching you *clap clap*. Good to see that Oates got dressed up for the occasion in his finest red flannel.

Man, I am having some serious flashbacks. they are taking me through my entire life, musically. HA! They have Alanis out there and they changed the lyrics to "Would she go down with you to the theatre". Awesome. Hahaha. How come Alanis always looks like she is about to chomp down on the microphone like a T-Rex? Love her.

The two finalists got to keep their customized cars from Ford (I own stock in Ford so I am happy about this kind of thing). But that exchange was awkward. Crystal tried to celebrate with Lee and he basically blew her off. And then the energy level was -99. Weirdos.

AI is having some serious audio issues. What was up with the random guitar strumming during that boy who Kara has a crush on's song? Aw, all of my former acid wash jeans wearing girlfriends are flipping out. Bret, this is your year, dude. (Good and bad.) Just like you are singing, "every rose has it's thorn". Go on with yer bad self. And lay off the tanner.

They are delving into Simon's loves, or his flirting. I am offended. He loves ME! He tells me on AI the Wii game. Though if he in all honesty, kissing with his mouth wide open like he is going to ingest your face, I am going to have to break up with him.

Excellent. They choreographed a dance for "Pants on the Ground". That old man is a better dancer than all of the contestants combined. But he is singing "Git your pants on the ground". Isn't that going against the whole message? What on Earth is William Hung attempting to sing. That was a very confusing number.

They have this big send off for Simon, but they just kick Paula off? Seems kind of crappy to me. She shows a lot of style by being on this show and being so gracious. Good to see she is still a little loopy.

Kelly! She must have inherited that necklace from Paula. How on earth did Fantasia win? Compared to the other winners, her voice is crazy. (And not good crazy). Taylor Hicks is a curious winner, too. And where the heck is David Cook?

Simon actually gave a standing O. That's a first. And could his shirt be any more unbuttoned? Maybe he got a belly button piercing and wants the world to accidentally see it. Why did Paula join Simon on stage? It's weird. Like when people bring their kids up who then stand awkwardly to the side.

I am using the words "weird" and "awkward" a lot. Hmm.

Is it just me, or does Janet sound just like Michael? I love her hair. She looks fabulous even dressed like Stevie Nicks. I am going to fast forward through the rest of the song though. Bored. Oh, she gets a second song. Yay. I love Rhythm Nation. (Even though it took me three tries to spell AND then it is not even Rhythm Nation. It's Nasty. Dang.) She is loving the lace cut out sides of her jumpsuit because all of her posing is so we can see it. Does she have a bow on her butt? What is that? Oh, ha. It's her mic.

I really don't care about why these two should be the next American Idol. They are as impressive to me as that guy who won last year.

Okay, here we go. We find out the winner. It's... SIMON COWELL! What? Yeah, have you seen the cars he drives? This show made him a winner for sure! The singing winner is... (Lee looks like he gonna puke) .... what? Lee won? Yay. I thought I saw Crystal win. You tricked me, Fox. Or shall I say you outFoxed me. (Ha).

I think it is mean that they have to sing when they are so emotional. No one can do that well.

Okay, bye Simon.

Auditions Premiere

So it begins AGAIN! At the end of every season, I declare that I am not a huge American Idol fan. In 2009, my great friend Jen got tickets for us to see the AI concert with the howler monkey and Anoooooop at the Verizon Center in DC. I responded, when seeing the tickets, with less than enthusiasm. (Jen was very disappointed with me). We went to the concert and had the best time ever though I believe that has more to do with Jen than it does with the immense talent of the AI crew. Still, my interest in the karaoke show wanes once the top ten is declared. Weird, isn't it, that that is when I start to write about it? Hmm.

In any case, I am watching the season premiere of the show tonight. I don't even know how many seasons it has been. As soon as I see Simon, I am yanked back in. Why do I have such a thing for him? And now he is leaving after the season? What to do?

Victoria Beckham is a guest judge and I feel like she and I could be great friends. Leave me alone. I live happily in my own little world. I call it Bugville. It's major! I thought Ellen was supposed to host. I am not thrilled about this. She hosted So You Think You Can Dance and was not funny or even very interesting to me. I am hoping she proves me wrong and is wildly entertaining.

This one girl auditioned because she totally nails the AI Wii game. I blame Simon for her thinking that her video game success will relate to show success because in an interview about the game, he claims that the game will help. I hope lots of people audition because the Simon avatar was all "1,000,000 percent YES!" on the game.

I also think that Proactiv should sponsor this show. (The guy who made me think this likes Chris Brown because he believes that he touches young people all around the world. Touches. more like punches. What? Too soon?) He wants to touch America. I think Chris Hansen will be speaking to him in a few years.

What the heck is that Swatch that Randy is wearing? Are the 80's really really really making a comeback? If so, there are certain things I would like to ban from this renaissance. Pegged pants. LA Gear shoes (though they may be more 90's. I still don't want to see them ever again). Frosty pink lipstick. MC Hammer. And grown men with Swatches. No. To be fair, I had two and I wore them at the same time on the same wrist. Awesome.

Andrew is awesome. He looks like a serial killer and acts like one, too. (Save for the missing arm cast, van, and sofa that he needs helping loading into aforementioned van). He is upset about waiting. This whole industry is a hurry up and wait industry. Kara said he needs a spanking. I thought she did not like him and now she is threatening him with a good time? She confuses me sometimes.

(Ooh, Simon smirked. I LOVE YOUUUU.)

It's over

Crap. Now what am I going to write about?

I rolled my eyes so many times they rolled into the back of my head.

I was just going to have this be a one word entry with the word being either "Damn" or "Yay". But then we were exposed to the brutal murder of P!nk's "So What". Hearing Jasmine Murray singing tonight made me wonder how she got there in the first place. Then I thought for sure that Scott was either going to wildly flail himself off the stage, or be pushed.
Dean-Anthony Bradford... has the same singing technique as Adam. Seriously. Lil Rounds was watching the camera so hard and did not start performing until she was sure it was on. That sucks for some reason.

Hey, it's Jason Mraz. I sang one of his songs with a band last night. I forgot all of the words. I could only wooo along. I have new respect for singers. I am going to crash their show again next week and attempt to sing a Paramore song. Hope I can recall the words. It was my first public singing (that no one could hear - whatever, I still sang in public).

Oh, someone got her boobs done. When Ryan said she ought to go out there and perform, I really expected to see a stripper pole descend from the rafters. Kara schooled bikini girl and showed she has an equally hot body. (The subsequent attempts at closing her dress were an added level of hilarity, especially when paired with the bitchy sidelong glances Katrina gave her).

Damn, Cyndi Lauper looks fabulous. She makes me want to go platinum again. She and Allison were great together. I have the words to "Time After Time" taped on the inside of the closet doors in my childhood bedroom. They are at bellybutton level which I assume was my eye level at the time of their taping.

Based on the last Ford commercial, Kris is a way better singer than Adam.

Oh yay! Crazy is back!!! Oh, she was not that entertaining.

The finale song was great. I liked them singing Queen. I even could listen to Adam singing for a second.

Well, here goes....

YAY!

It's almost over. Yay. a

I am so over this season. It has taken me until tonight to watch last weeks shows. I can't figure out why people like Adam Lambert. His screeching is not talent. We got over the hair band sound in the 90's. I hate the timbre of his voice. Ech. And he will probably win. Strangely, all week there has been no info about who was booted, but I am thinking Gokey is gone. Oh, who cares. If Adam Lambert is an American Idol, then I am no longer a fan. His screeching is not fantastic, nor is it talent. It's just screeching. Dis.Like.

I am now watching the Wed's show and I see my new favorite person, Bill Hader. HADER!!! Oh, there is Jonah Hill. I saw you singing "Waterfalls" in Koreatown in LA. Dawg, YOU were pitchy. Oh. fast forward. Having a nine year old flick his groin at me is not pleasant. There have to be better was of promoting donations to third world countries.

I feel like Adam Lambert would become a major douchebag if given fame. And is it me, but is Katy Perry as annoying as Adam Lambert will be next year?

Okay, Kris is in. But you all know this already. Please let him win the whole thing!

Hey Danny, I think you have a career if you want it. Just go get it.

Okay, now I am watching this Tuesday's episode. I have to listen to the howler monkey and the monchichi.

Adam is resinging Mad World. He doesn't connect with the song for me, but neither does the audience and that's why they love him. I don't get it. They love him singing it, but he does not sing with the sadness of someone who would sing those words. They love this presentation of the song, but it is not his. This version belongs to the Donny Darko people. And, yes, they mastered it. He kind of sucks for stealing their version.

Kris sang Bill Withers. He made it his own. That way beats Adam. Okay, Kris still is a bit of "that guy" for me, but I wayyyyy prefer him to the male Jennifer Hudson. Please, I don't want to see Adam's tongue anymore. I think the microphone agrees with me. (I think American Idol producers owe him a lot of money).

Oh look, I just spotted Katie Holmes and her child with L. Ron Hubbard, Suri.

Okay, seriously. In regards to popular music, Kris Allen is far more likely to appeal to a wider group of people. Adam Lambert only appeals to ex-hair band fans and those who would have like the hair bands, but were too young or too old.

Blech. Can't listen anymore. Bedtime. But, I veto Adam. Yucky. No!

AMERICAN IDOL CROWNED TOMORROW.

It's a boys club

Paula performed tonight. I feel like we got a glimpse into Britney's future. Paula did a great job lipsyncing, I guess. They did the whole song basically in the dark. But her dancers did gamely hold the mic stand for her. Then at the end, they turned her mic on so she could wheeze "Gentlemen, I'm just here for the music!" into it. (To be fair, she really did not seem out of breath, but her mic was right under her nose and made sounds everytime she took a breath). I want to be so much funnier with this, but I am still suffering from the indignities of having ridden my bicycle home from work in the rain and not only having to huff and puff my way up The Hill (not the Capitol one), but also having a wet bum. So do me a favor and imagine this being way funnier.

Oh, ew. Paula has the Tori Spelling cleaved chest. And No Doubt is back together and announces with a frightening performance of a really old song? When she came down the stairs, Gwen reminded me of the spider walk from The Exorcist. And why is she doing pushups? Is this show a tribute to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past which is a modern day Scrooged which was a modern (then) version of A Christmas Carol. Ghosts of performers past (No Doubt); Ghosts of performers future (Paula as Britney); um, and the final idol contestants as present? I dunno. This show is weird.

Nest week, the remaining kids get to go home and be celebrated. They showed some of the past contestants doing this and I did not recognize a bunch of them. If they are so great, why have they not done something with their careers? Hmmm? HMMMM? I am ornery again. Hmm.

First to be safe: pleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdam
Yay! Kris is safe. Little monkey face. Who is that guy his wife is hugging?

Damn. I forgot to mutter "pleasedon'tbeAdam" and now he is safe. Crap.

I always find the songs they sing as their swan song appropriate. Cry, Baby.
Allison will do fine. My boss loves her.

need new eardrums

Oh goodie. Rock week. This means the howler monkey will be in his element and I will be subjected to a swarmy screechy song. And he did not let me down. I think that the set is falling apart because his shrill voice is shattering glass and shredding the wires holding it in place. I am glad this show is almost over. (So why do I still watch? I am here to entertain YOU).

Allison should have sung Bobby McGee. I love that song. Cry Baby was boring.

I like the duet, but when they started hitting the song, they had a difficult time with staying in tune. But Kris and Danny sound great together.

I liked Kris' song. I am not much of a Beatles fan. I am also not on the same page as Kara. I thought he made a fairly repetitive song interesting without being shrieky.

Oh, man. Danny is now shrieking at me. Not as annoying as Adam, but damn near close. What is going on? Ugh. I bet they love him. Well, they seem to love screeching.

Allison/Adam duet. Screech/growl... Judges on feet...sigh.

Dunno who is going home. Everyone in bottom 3 except Howler Monkey.

Recaparooni

I decided to try something new last night while watching American Idol. Instead of writing my commentary while I watch the show, I just watched the show and am now writing about it from Panera while I get my car inspected. I would like to say that this is my way of staying interesting in my writing or something equally as clever, but the truth is that I was simply too lazy to get off the couch and retrieve the computer.

I don’t get some people’s popularity. Yeah, I thought he was great in Ray, but that’s it. We all know my feelings about Scream Girls, and that dislike is not held only for the former AI contestant. It belongs to everyone involved (save for the geniuses with whom I may someday work). I don’t like Jamie Foxx’s singing, or his personality or his upper lip/teeth combo. It’s weird. I also don’t think he was singing live, but now I am just becoming ornery.

Another truth to be told, I really don’t think any one of the contestants of this year’s show is going to make an impact on the American collective. They all end up on Broadway anyway, ADAM. (Spamalot – Clay Aiken, Rent – Frenchie, Grease – Taylor Hicks). Speaking of Taylor, well, I have nothing to say, I fast forwarded through all three performances.

Could it be!?!? Oh glory day, Adam was bottom three. Then bottom two. I sat, clutching the yellow couch pillows and an orange cat and prayed and hoped. I was careful to not hope too hard lest the karmic spirits be against me, and lo, they were. Sloth was sent home and the screecher stayed. Dang. BUT America! You have the right idea!

I love standards!

I was going to write this in iambic pentameter, but then realized I am not certain I have a grasp on that at all. Then I was just going to make it all rhyme, but what rhymes with idol? (sidle, bridle, Katherine Heigl, midol). Ooh...

I am watching American Idol.
singers make me cramp, need some Midol...
Won't someone put a bridle
on Katherine Heigl?

Well, that is a taste of what you would have gotten.
By the way, I am kidding Katherine (I am terrified of her). Jamie Foxx? Why did he name himself that? His real name is Eric Marlon Bishop. I was walking up the stairs at a karaoke place in LA once and had already been elbowed to the head by an unsuspecting Jerome Bettis and thusly managed to pour cheap red wine (whine) all over my pink Supergirl shirt with the glittery "S", thereby looking a mess, and possibly the victim of gunfire? I ran into a thugly looking Jamie Foxx on the stairs who snarled at me as I passed him with my sweet little smile. I therefore veto you, ERIC. And pledge to from this point on, call you Eric.

Kris Allen (That Guy) doesn't want to sing the throat olympics, according to Eric. I think that is a different kind of contest, dude. Not one for primetime television on a network show! (Though if on any network, it would be Fox). What did he sing again? He is back to being that guy. (Lower case because I am so bored). The child has a nice voice, and he sings well, but he is soooooo unremarkable. When commercials come right after he sang, he makes me forget what show I am watching.

I like Paula's necklace.

Allison put some black streaks into her hair. Yay. Maybe if she stays in, she can get to the point where all of her hair is dark. (I am an old fogey). I love "Someone to watch over me". She couldn't be singing this song any slower. I almost choked on the peanut from my M&M when she sang "put on some speed". Still, the contest is (or should be) between her and that screechy guy.

They just showed a Ford commercial. No where in it was an Idol contestant. Why does Ford insist on filming commercials with these people if they never use them? Are the commercials being aired in Asia? I just saw an ad for the new Fox show "Glee" some woman was screaming. I did not know that Jennifer Hudson was doing television.

Sloth is really embracing Obama's view of Cuba. I was so busy looking up US/Cuban relations that I did not really hear how he sang. I am sure he did lots of riffs and falsetto runs and was okay.

Wow, Danny Gokey is on board with the Cubans, too! (Are they having the Best Week Ever!?!) Danny does not like it when Eric "gets up in his grill". This is a great song and genre for Danny. I think he will be top three along with Allison and pizza face. (Yeah, I said it. Whatchu gonna do?). I don't see him winning, but he otter come close. He was fabulous tonight. He looked the part, too. I think he reads my blog and is now making hearts with his fingers instead of flashing numbers. Jordin did that and she won.

Here it comes! The best part of the evening. (Just kidding. The best part is when the show is over. This is the part where I wish I had acid with which to wash my eyes and ears out.) I wish that the Shrieker could sing once without shrieking. But I guess he would lose his whole identity then. When the song started it sounded like Supertramp's The Logical Song. I was all... "when I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful". Then he started singing some altogether different. I feel askew. He is feeling Could. Seriously. He sang that he was feeling could. He sounds off pitch to me. Could the golden child be off? (Ech, he grosses me out when he is onstage. I cannot place why.)

Ha! Kara just said he is confusing and sleazy. That's it! That's why he grosses me out (though she meant it in a positive way).

Bottom two, Kris and Sloth.
Sloth is going home.

Bye Anoop

So I was at work tonight and instead of being behind the dead, dead bar, I was in the hot, hot office with my manager who just discovered Allison and loves her because she comes from Spanish speaking places like him and doesn't that make her so great and talented? It was 9:05 pm and we were trying to figure out who had been booted from the show, but no one had posted it yet and so I am here in front of my telly at 12:50 am, having to watch the show to find out. I am certain I was right last night, but let's see.

We have to watch the asthmatic monchichi sing tonight. I may just fast-forward through that though.

Paula is gonna choreograph the group song. Thank God!! Maybe the group song will finally not suck. Say what you will about her, but she is a great dancer. But these kids cannot move. Let's see how they do... They are lipsyncing. What the frack? Well, they are not the most cohesive group. Wow. The only one who can dance is Sloth. The rest, well, they give me hope that one day I can follow simple musical theatre choreography. Still, Paula looks like a proud stage mother. Sing out Louise!

I am disappointed in Lil. I really thought she had what it took to win, but every week she has disappointed. This just reinforces that you have to know your audience. Very few people can start off their careers doing just what they want to do. Reassess, Lil. Maybe we will see you later. (I don't think we will. Sorry). Best wishes!

It is funny to see the girl judge reactions. They hold their arms out waiting for the camera light to go red and then they REACT!

Who is this woman singing? Whoever she is, she is a poster child for arm exercises. Damn, Woman. Your arms are Fabooo!

Thelma Houston? Why is your dress so short? Yeah, Paula and Simon are definitely doing it. Thelma sang to Simon and he and Paula were gazing into each others eyes with arms wrapped around one another.

Why does KC sunshine band get four chicks to dance around him? He is one Whopper short of a coronary. Oh, maybe THAT'S why! He has loads of money and may drop soon.

Dammit, Adam. I think I could like him as a person, so long as I never ever had to watch him perform.

Um, Archie, I am glad you did not win. But them were some awesome words you said tho the two in the bottom two. By the way, wow. Allison is bottom three? Wow. I really have no idea who is gonna win the whole thing. But I do know that it is Anoop that is going home tonight. Bye, Noopster. I still adore ya.

I am kind of glad two of them are leaving

We are dealing with the double send home this week. Simon is looking swell is his dad's old Hanes undershirt. Seriously, does this man not have a stylist? Or is his stylist wasted. Omigosh, is Paula his stylist?

I bet that Lil could sit for hours! I again, am underwhelmed by her performance. It had energy, but thats it. I can't understand why she is not as great as I felt like she could be. I guess sometimes you can be talented and still lack the ability to be a performer. But, um, swell new wig. Why was Paula with Lil yesterday? I'm with Simon, we are kicking Lil to the curb this week. Hey, this is disco weeek. Is Chaka Khan disco? I call foul.

Little monkey boy is up, aka That Guy. He has a bit of monchichi to him, but no where near what David Archuleta had. That boy is a monchichi come to life with a raspy voice. That Guy can count!! Good for you. Smarter than all the rest! Woo! Kid is original, have to give him that. Even if he borrowed one of Simon's dad's shirts this week. They must have had a sale at Wal-Mart. You know, this kid could win. The judges like it, though Simon flipped him off, I think. Seriously. I think I can see Simon's nipples, too.

Randy just said that they are looking for the best undiscovered talent. Then why do they keep allowing people onto the show who have had record deals?

Oh no, Danny starts his song off with WOO! That's a buzz kill for me. You know, no one ever considers the back-up singers, but they have to learn these songs (all of them) in a short time. They are pretty fabulous (though they don't always sound super awesome, they always are great).

I liked this song from Danny Gokey. And he should just win because he made a heart with his hands and I love that.

The song Allison chose is boooring and yet she still stands out. The kid has some talent and I don't mean just a little. She otter win the whole thing.

Ugh, here comes the DB, still embracing his kd Lang look. Can't he figure out another look? I can't look directly at him. He is my Medusa. I will turn to puke. Maybe he is Liberace reincarnated. Yeah, he still blows. I can't take his voice. Yucky yucky yucky. Nononononono. I think he is going to be a fatty in a few years. FAT. Then his lover Clay Aiken will kick him outta bed. Paula says she has never questioned her visceral response to him. I question mine. I have never reacted that way to someone. But I think Paula wants to give it to him. She was raising a ring-bedecked finger at him, akin to the witch in Hansel and Gretel. Push her in the fire! Save yourself!!

Here comes Sloth with Stayin' Alive. Great song choice as people keep comparing him to Justin T-Lake who plays a BeeGee on SNL. And the song is appropo in regards to his still being on the show. Dude is staying alive. (for now). I liked it, but I like him. Whoa, I think Paula is in heat.

Anoop. Noop. snore. Yawn. Bah. I suppose now is time to bid you adeiu. You and Lil can slink off to prepare for the concert this summer. I am sad. I love Anoop, but I never had any ideas of his winning the show.

I wish this show were over. Wish granted! Tada! Yay. See ya'll tomorrow!

Bottom Three:
Anoop, Lil, Sloth

Going home: Lil and Anoop

I think I am cranky this morning

Dang it, I am finding that I like Adam Lambert as a person. I just can't stand him performing. And now they bring on Jennifer Hudson. Hopefully it is for her to return her Academy Award and apologize for screaming at me in that awful movie.

She is weird in her performance. It's like she is out of breath and she keeps looking around like she is waiting for someone she needs to smack to come up to her. (Is she looking for Simon?) And there it is. She is shrieking at me again. She looks confused and sounds kind of pitchy, dawg.

I wonder if their ear pieces are not working because Miley sounds off tune, too. Maybe that is why Jennifer was looking irritated and fiddling with her ear. I did not realize how nasally Miley sings. She looks absolutely adorable. Her weird herky-jerky chicken dancing is not just demonstrated during her fast songs. Somehow she manages to dance that way to her ballady songs, too. It is funny to see a dolled up sixteen year old head bang to a slowish song.

Matt is voted off. Will they use the save? I feel like they might. They do. Sloth gets to stay. I wonder how this override of the public opinion will affect him and how people vote for him.

So ballad you could make it*

I just realized that I have written about AI 22 times. That does not include the times I wrote about this show on my other blog. I am a bit of a loser.


They are using Quentin Tarantino as mentor this week and they called him an icon (or something like that). He may have made (help make?) two of my favorite films: Reservoir Dogs and Four Rooms. He is still an ultimate nerd. They are going to sing songs from films. Hmmm. Whatever will they sing?

I feel like Anoop is leaving us this week. I am sad. I don't see him as THE winner, but I do like him. Allison is up first and she sings Aerosmith "Don't wanna miss a thing". I hate this song. It is so boring. She has such a great thing going for her and manages to keep me interested even when she is just kind of whispering the song. She has talent. She also has stage presence. I am only worried with her raspiness that she may destroy her singing ability. But she is great.

NOOOP!! He nailed the.most.boring.song.ever! Quentin was right in him needing to nail the harsh words in that song to capture the emotion and it was good! Yay.


Adam "DB" Lambert is up. They say they like his versions. Um, they are other people's versions that he appropriates. He can suck my arse. He is not creative. He just takes other people's creative visions as his own. He is the Madonna of AI. But heck, look how far it took her. Still dislike him. He abused the heck out of my ears with that crappy falsetto tonight. Nononononononononononononononononono.

Matt Giraud. Another Canadian prime minister song. He did this beautifully, or would have had he sang it more simply. His riffs put him off tune at times and took away from the beautiful melody. I like Sloth, but I feel like he could simplify. But at least his falsetto does not put me in a coma, Adam.

Danny Gokey sings Endless Love like he is just learning it. He ended it really well, but the beginning seemed off to me. He was coming in on notes badly, not quite sure where it was supposed to be. Once he got into it, though, it got really good.

Crap, I am going to have to learn That Guy's name. He is singing Falling Slowly from Once. I want to sing his harmony on this one. Dang. I love this song. I think I want to not know him because of the weird things he does with his mouth. Crapitty Crap. I like Kris. Dangly dang. I like what he did with the song.

Last but maybe not least is Lil. I like her and I had such high hopes for her, but I think she may be in over her head within this competition. Well, let's see what she does. Man, they are all ballady. Ugh. She keeps warping her notes and sounds like she was left out in the sun. Lil is becoming a mannequin for her wigs. I think she is going home. This is awful to me.

I am now officially a Tarantino fan. He seems like he would be fun to work with.

Bottom three: Lil, Sloth and Anoop. (Though I think Anoop should be replaced by Danny)

Lil Rounds is going home.

*Worst title ever. I was trying to do a play on words as in so glad you could make it... Sigh.

Take one down, 7 idols left.

I forgot to guess who was gonna leave. Um, bottom three: Scott, Lil, Danny. Scott is going home. If he doesn't, then the people are voting for the wrong reasons in a singing competition.

I am gonna go ahead and speed through most of this episode because they have Kelly Pickler and Flo Rida performing.

Are Paula and Simon doing it? Because they keep touching and looking at each other. Plus, they are very sassy to each other.

Is that Frankie Avalon? He looks phenomenal. And still sounds great. How old is he? He is almost 70. People are aging well.

What the hell? Was Lil lost? Did she blow the opening of the group song? They sound horrendous! Still hate the group song. Oh, and maybe that guy might be in the bottom three. Based on the group song, I would kick them all out and start all over.

AI contestants have been doing Ford commercials for years and I have yet to see one televised outside of AI. Heck, Scott does an amazing Simon impression. I would have thought that Adam would have been a better actor, but he looked stiff to me and I don't recall seeing Anoop in the commercial at all. (I do like that Adam seems gracious).

Oh man, is Anoop going to the bottom three? :( Maybe it is That Guy that will wind up there. But we all know that Adam ain't leaving. Aw, Anoop! Noooo. The Indian/American boys are having a rough week. Kutner (Kal Penn) committed suicide on House this week. Now they put my precious Anoop Dawg in the bottom three? Heavens to Murgatroid.

They just showed a Ford commercial and it was not an AI one!!

Okay, I was wrong with Danny in the bottom three. It is Anoop. But I still think that it is Scott going home, and no. They won't save him.

Kelly Pickler does not sound that great either... But I think Simon may have suddenly discovered her talent.

Well, it is Scott. And to save himself he sings "How can I convince you that what you see is real". Sorry, hon. You seem like a really nice kid. But it is time for you to head home. G'night! (And good luck).

Thank you America!

Dang

The baby pictures are always cute, though I remember thinking that David Cook looked exactly the same. Ryan Seacrest was a goofy looking kid, but dang if Randy was not adorable!!

I love this episode for the baby photos, but hate it for the fact that it makes me feel old. I remember the songs they sing that are from their birth year. AND the oldest kid is Danny Gokey, born in 1980! 80!?! I was seven. Ack.

He is singing Stand by Me and that was my first R rated movie that I saw in the movie theatre. I think I was 12 or 13. I can see Danny as a high school history teacher. Yawn. This song sucks. He is okay, but this is boring to me. These are some top songs of 1980, any of which would have been better. Apparently, I am the only one who was totally underwhelmed by it.

That guy is up. I don't think he is gonna have a full head of hair for much longer (sorry). He is mobbed by high clappers. Crap, I kind of like his version of a song I don't really like. Dang, I am starting to like him. Am I gonna have to learn his name? I even like that he is performing in the midst of all them chicks. Hmm, I am on a different path than the judges. They like those I hate and hate those I like (of all of the two that have performed thus far).

How many wigs does Lil own? I want to like this, but I am getting a weird vibe from Lil's version of Tina Turner. It is rather pageanty (oh my, am I channelling Simon?). I don't think she is gonna win anymore. I wonder what she is missing. Wow, the judges finally agree with me!

Anoop! So cute. But what is he gonna do to True Colors? Well, he miss-sang the lyrics, singing the darkness inside you can make you feel so strong, instead of small. That kind of changes the meaning of the song. The darkness making you feel strong is more of an anthem for sociopaths. I loved this song when it was on the radio when I was little. I used to record it and transcribe the words. Those words are still taped to the inside of the closet door in what used to be my room at my mom's house. Well, he sang it prettily and made it his own. I love him.

I dunno, maybe I am tired. I am not feeling any of these performances. I am kind of loving Simon for telling Anoop to not apologize for reacting to a criticism.

There is a blonde girl in a Kohl's commercial. (Takes place in a salon and they talk about Dana Buchman). Super cute. Look for her. I bet she gets a ton of work in the near future.

Ugh, it's Scott. I can't take him anymore. Wow, is he wearing mascara? Why is he still here? Blech. (He seems nice enough, but he sucks as a singer). Ha! He started to say he is versatile and they cut him off with the AI music. Ha!! Because he is not!

Allison is way cuter with dark hair. Oh no. Even Bonnie Raitt had a hard time making this song be awesome. Crap, I like Allison's voice in this. Wow. "I can't make you love me" would be a great song to be kicked out with. But she is going nowhere, because that was fabulous! Dang. Her voice is great for that.

Sloth! He sure likes his jeans snug. He does not quite bear the physique to justify his predilection. This was good. I feel like he tried to do too much with it. Had he simplified just a wee bit, it would have been fantastic.

It is a good thing that I recorded Fringe, or else I would have missed Adam Lambert. Well, I don't suppose I would have been too fraught by it. But here it is. Lucky me. (Though I think he might do well with singing Queen. Wonder if he will tackle that in this show's run).

Why are they showing ads for "Chicago" with images of the original cast?

Randy can't button his shirt, but he makes fun of the kids for the finger waving, too. I am liking him more and more.

Adam Lambert liked to wear capes and not play sports. Hmmm, would never have guessed (though I was a drama nerd, too). He is tackling a fabulous song. His girlish voice is sucky. This song can't be redone (again, I mean. The Donnie Darko version is beyond amazing.) This guy is a schmuck. I hate his version. I don't like his falsetto. Go listen to this version and see why. The song is haunting, not creepy. Adam Lambert is grody. Bah. Gary Jules liked Adam's version. Do the boys from Tears from Fears like it too? Am I alone in my distaste for Adam?

Go rent Donnie Darko! That is a fantastic movie!

Minor recap from someone else's recap

Stupid rassin' frassin' DVR did not tape the result show. I missed some spectacular group song, I am sure of it.

Here is a pretty good assessment of what I missed. I love this blogger if for nothing else, this: "And Adam, you just made me stop believing. Please stop tonguing the microphone when you fake sing. Ew. "

Oh, and Megan goes. Thank goodness. It is kind of bitchy of Simon to not let her sing to be saved, but at the same time... what's the point? She sucks.

This one is dedicated to Mary.

I just could not bring myself to watch the show last night. I was too tired and busily breeding fish on the Fish Tycoon app on my iPhone.

Why is Simon's hair getting more square (literally and figuratively, I guess). Does his stylist really think it is a good look, or does Simon demand it and the stylist just sighs and cuts (or, uh, doesn't cut)?

Geez, what is wrong with Allison's hair/clothes/shoes. Ack. I must be getting old, because that horrifies me.

Dude, is Ryan Seacrest human? Does he sleep? He looks a bit like a goldfish to me, and fish don't seem to sleep, either. He must have a gazillion jobs. (insert some inappropriate comment about his love life here).

ANOOP! Singing Usher and channelling Michael Jackson. Curious. Golly (I am trying this word on for size...), I love Anoop Desai. Ew, but he is visually raping the camera and I dislike that. Did I ever tell you about the time my friend M and I saw Lionel Richie and she stuck her hand up for him to touch and he touched and touched and touched. At first I was like, woooo! Lionel Richie! Then I was like whoa, Lionel Richie. Stop hand raping my friend. Which sounds way worse than it was, but it was a little weird.

Ha, Kara just said that it felt like a bunch of frat boys dared Anoop to sing Usher and then they showed a bunch of frat boys shaking their heads. Funny.

What is Megan Joy still doing here? She is actually beginning to make me crazy. Did I tell you guys I got a scooter? It is so cute and I rode it around last night. I am a little scared I am going to be a squashed bug on someone's windshield. I really don't want to die in a Fox 5 newsworthy way. Sigh, Megan is still singing. She wants to give me good lovin'. I would be satisfied with her just going away. She always looks a bit out of her element. I can't figure out why she wants to do this.

Is there a theme to this show? Is it sucking? Ha, I am so funny. Just kidding. I like Danny Gokey's voice. This song is a little boring, but he made me not fast forward through it. Aw, he looks like he really got into the emotion of that song. I appreciate that.

I think all the cat hair in this dang place is starting to affect my keyboard. Bill stay off of my computer.

Dude, Allison grew up hearing "Don't Speak" by No Doubt. Geez, I am old. She looks more like Cyndi Lauper, who I grew up listening to. Hmm, I am not really into this version. She is trying too hard.

The audience just likes to boo for the sake of booing. Kara gave Allison a great compliment in saying that she does not need to dress like a fool because she has the skills that don't need a costume. They booed this? They would prefer she sucks and gets to wear her ugly ensembles? And Paula tried to be all cool and call the guitar an axe. I know that it is called that, but by Paula Abdul?

I know what Simon Cowell was doing at sixteen. He was being booted out of schools, 16 in all.

Ugh, here comes Scott. Singing Billy Joel. Cliche alert. Ugh. I went to a church service once where the organist played all the songs really slowly and my mom and aunt tried to sing the songs faster, but no one helped them get the organist on track and we spent an awfully long time singing hymns. I think that Scott was that organist. Paula is proud that Scott makes us forget his challenge and I say, yes. Let's forget about his challenge and stop keeping him around.

Oh Sloth, I am not certain about this. It just sounded weird. Not quite right. I feel like he could have picked a better song. Matt Giraud does not look like he handles disappointment well.

Oh, no. Lil Rounds is singing Celine Dion. I have a bad feeling about this. As much as I am not a fan of CD, child can sing. I might have to rescind my thought that Lil could win the whole thing. Jeepers, make this stop. Her notes are piercing me straight through my brain. Hey, Lil... Loud does not equal good.

Man, I am bored. This is usually where I start petering out on the show. I won't this time, because I feel an obligation to Mary to keep up with my brilliant observations.

Oh my gosh, I just got teary-eyed when Lil's little one hugged Randy.

I am about to get teary-eyed for another reason. Adam Lambert is up and I tend to cry when I puke. Oh, and you people were right, he was wayyy more k.d. Lang than Elvis. He is embracing the look. I can actually feel my nerves freaking the hell out when he is singing. My whole body rejects this crap. I don't think acid is strong enough to wash this experience off of me.

Oh, I thought we were done, but that guy is still on the show. He is going to sing Bill Withers? I love that song.


Bottom 3:
Megan Joy
Scott MacIntyre
Lil Rounds

Going home:
Megan Joy
Or Scott. I was listening to the recap and he too makes the bile rise in my throat.

Called it.

I like results shows because I can fast forward through most of the shows' posturing and the ridiculous group song. Ech. I don't need to deal with all of Ryan's chatter, so I fast forward until I see who the bottom three are and who goes home. Enough for me. Maybe I am missing some clever musings, but I doubt it.

Season two winner is here? Clay Aiken?

I think that Paula flashed the "loser" sign at Ryan. I thought she was beefing with Simon. I still think they do occasionally get a room.

Man, Ruben's sweating puts Whitney Houston's to shame. Here I thought she held the crown for onstage sweating. I guess everyone gets dethroned eventually. One time, I went to NYC and saw Rent. Ruben and Clay were in the audience, just a few rows from me. They went to see Frenchie who was on AI with them. Clay: super social. Wandered through the crowd and chatted with people. Ruben snuck through the back after the show started. Because he is soooooo famous.

Sloth is bottom three? I bet it is because those jeans he wore demonstrated too much of his "talent". We are just not ready for that kind of exposure from you.

What a sucky walk that must be... To the loser chairs.

Is anyone else a little disturbed by the duet with Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson? He looks like an overeager old man whose overt advances on a young girl don't matter because he is just so old; yet if she let him, he would slobber all over her. Ew. (He's not even that old). Joss is feeding into it. Not helping. But British girls are crazy.

Megan Joy must be paying people to call for her. And enough with the sympathy vote already.

Hey! They did not do a group song. But they did bring out Stevie Wonder. When I see him, I think of the episode of The Cosby Show he was on. He still sounds great. Sad about his hair, though. Soon those braids will be two pigtails, the way his bald spot is growing.

Ugh, as if I needed more ammunition, the Screecher is dancing to Stevie like a hula dancer on Ecstasy. Ugh. Oh, awkward dancing, Megan. Awkward!

Aw, Michael will be okay. He seems like such a nice fella. Plus, his daughter will be happy to have him back home. Maybe it is guttural interpretation of the song that made us all mad. Whatever, bye.

I am gonna post this before the judges vote because they ain't saving him.

Holy Crap

Here we go again. Why is this show 2 hours long? I had better crack open a nice pinot grigio.

What is on the back of Paula's shoes that makes her walk like a chihuahua when you put socks on it's feet? Randy just said that it was hard to see Alexis go. I think it was because he wanted Allison to go. (Remember? When pressed, he said that of Alexis and the screecher, Allison would be the one to go home).

Aw, Scott's brother does not get to guide him anymore.

Wow, they got to go to Hitsville? That is so cool. I would love to get the stories of the history of Motown. Man, then they get to sing with Smokey Robinson. Can you imagine? I would be too awestruck to be able to complete a sentence, much less a song.

I always wanted to have a hot neighbor and just happen to be playing "Let's get it on" whenever he came home. But I never got a hot neighbor and I don't think Sloth's pants should be THAT tight when he sings this. However, maybe it is how he reaches them there high notes. I like him. He seems like a nice kid.

Oh, it's that guy. He is still on the show... I actually like his voice. But I forget about him as soon as he is off the screen. (Hmm, Paula's bangs are shellacked in place. They don't move at all). Simon just said that he is not conceited enough. I just think he is booooorrring. Seriously! He is so forgettable that during the commercials, I forgot what show I was watching.

Scott is wearing pink pants. I thought he could see a little... He says he is single. The pink pants are not going to help. I think he is going to make this song boring. Let's see... Ugh. He should sing the theme song for Miss America and leave it at that. ENOUGH ALREADY! Holy crap. What is he doing to this song? This is worse than awful. Oh I feel something, Paula. It is bile in my throat.

Oh snap! Paula just gave Simon crayons and a colouring book. Nice. Oh, and Scott says he did not know his pants were pink until right before the show. Seems the stylist is playing with him. Maybe the stylist is saying enough already, too.

Oh Megan. Let's hear you make this song sound like every other song you may ever sing. Wow, she is not hitting the notes very well. She looks a bit like Carrie Underwood today. Damn, she is flat. She does have the cocky that Simon wants out of that guy.

Man, Smokey is nice. I have to respect Randy Travis for not being super saccharinny. But Smokey said nice things about my boy Anoop. (Oops, I typed Anoops. Ha. An oops. Ha!) Wow, Noops can do a nice falsetto. Not one that makes me wish Freddie Krueger would shove a spike through my ear like he did to Johnny Depp. (Though look what it did for Johnny!)

Commercial break: I LOVE this McDonald's commercial. "Gimme back that fillet o'fish! Gimme that fish!" Brilliant!!!

Michael is singing "Ain't too Proud to Beg". Is that in a rap song? This is terrible. Man, they all suck. Send 'em all home and let Sloth and Lil battle it out. I just figured the song out that I was thinking of. "If I need it in the morning or the middle of the night, I ain't too proud to beg!" (TLC).

Oh Lil, I did not like that either. She was shrieking at me, and did it without managing to hit many of the notes. Why are they all off today?

I just saw Olivia Newton John! I like checking out the audience and playing who is famous.

Why is the screecher dressed to look Elvis? You ain't no Elvis. But if you were, I would like to hear that Elvis has left the building. Oh, I will concede he has talent, but I simply cannot stand him and I have suddenly forgotten his name. He grosses me out. I will have to bathe in acid now. And what's up Kara? This show ain't about you.

Danny Gokey will need to work on his stage presence. His voice is great, but he is soooo cheesy on stage. AND he totally disregarded Smokey's advice about singing the back-up. I wonder if that will anger his potential voters.

The way Allison is dressed, she looks like her papa was a rolling stone. Or a john. Yikes. This child can sing.

The best part of the show was Simon's application of a mustache on Paula. Ha.

My bottom three:
Scott, Megan, Michael.

Michael is going home.

Sucks watching when you already know who is booted.

Who is the scary harmonica player sitting on the edge of the stage? Is this his performance? They focus more on him than on Michael Sarver. I like Michael, but I can't see him winning this. His daughter (?) did not seem to like his performance.

I love the raspiness to Allison's voice. The next guy is so bland to me that I don't even recall his name. I love me some Lil Rounds. Honestly, this girl should just be removed from the show and given a contract.

Augh, I really dislike Adam Lambert. He skeeves me out. I know that everyone else seems to love him, but yuck. I am glad that Randy Travis seems to feel the same way I do. I always liked him. Ech, listening to him makes me feel contaminated. I wonder what spurs this visceral hatred from me. Ugh. Make it stop. Oh no, and he is wearing jeans with the exposed zipper. Tacky.

Scott MacIntyre is no good. Enough already.

I really like Alexis Grace, but I already know she is going home. I wish she would have connected to the desperation of the song more into her performance. It is a shame that Alexis is going already. I would think Scott or the guy whose name I can't recall should go before her.

Danny came out super weak, but he sold it. He engaged me enough to allow me to ignore the beginning. Plus, he is rather charming. I agree with Simon in regards to his outfit. That white jacket sucks.

ANOOP! J'adore. Dunno what it is about him that I find super appealing, but yay, Anoop! Sometimes Paula is super nerdy. But she looks good again. Anoop was great! The song could have gotten boring and he managed to keep it exciting and sweet.

Megan Joy. She is kind of one trick pony, like me when it comes to AI. Whoa... what is up with the boob sacks on that dress? Her twisty dance seems to be getting weirder, too. I think she is trying to reel it in, but forgets.

Sloth is really growing on me.