Friday, May 28, 2010

Simon says buh-bye

I lost interest halfway through the season. But I am back to see off my boy Simon.

Seacrest says that the race is tight between the two finalists. But when he asks the crowd to cheer for each one, the noise is way louder for Lee. I, however, already know that the chick won because of the awesome way that AI always runs over into the next show and I DVR all of my shows. So, thanks for that, Fox.

We start off with another crappy group song from the top ten. That bass player is hot. Wait, those Alice Cooper kids are cool. Hey, Alice Cooper? Awesome. Are Wayne and Garth gonna pop out, too? (I hear they are friends with the Coop).

Seriously, that bassist looks like what I imagine Taylor Momsen (Gossip Girl) thinks she looks like.

Hey, it's that guy from last season. I still can't remember his name. He is so unremarkable. Apparently the AI people think so, too, as they left the mics on during the beginning of his song, so we can hear Seacrest talk to the director. Oops. I wonder if That Guy is still married to his little blonde girl. I always feel like people who were married before becoming famous never stay married to that person. But he is still wearing his ring. Yup, still married, according to IMDB. Impressive.

Ooh, a Simon retrospective. Let's see how his Monchichi hairstyle has evolved over the years...

WOW. Seacrest and Randy are bad actors, and I am not paring homage to Michael Jackson here. Yikes. That little pseudo-celebration was hokey. I guess they did it on purpose to avoid the wrath of the Simon Cowell. Still.

Ugh, I forgot how bad this season was. I had selective amnesia. Everyone basically sucked. I feel like I am on a cheap cruise being forced to suffer through the "entertainment" in order to get at the free buffet and drink my face off. (Though, vicious circle? Bad entertainment=drinking more?).

Ooh! BeeGees! Damn, they can't hit their signature notes anymore. We need Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon to save the day.

Michael McDonald got old. Hmm, guess that happens. I hate that because I don't feel like I am getting older, yet he was old when I loved him as a little person. He sounds sooo good. He looks good, too. We'll just ignore the awkward hand grab/release thing the two Michaels did at the end.

Now it is time for the insult song. I have one, too.

(Sing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star).

This show is pretty stupid now, as we say bye to Simon Cowell.
What will next season look like, without the snark of that British guy?
(Poetic license in effect!)
Who cares? No one will see.
At least I can guarantee it won't be me.

Maybe I will not be following in Kara's footsteps and become a songwriter.

Are they trying to make Dane Cook relevant again? Remember when he was kind of funny? I saw him with Jen at the Improv and we laughed and clapped, and hi-fived the guys we shared a table with. I even have a signed comedy CD from him. Now I hide it.

The people are rhythmic clapping? Ugh. I hate that. Oh no! Muffin top attack. Is that the girl from Manassas? Yikes. Oh, the nauseating camera rip away from the creeps on stage. Maybe they were trying to say that Dane fit in with the creepy AI Castaways. Glad that's over.

Dude, the cleave is out on these ladies. Holy smokes. They are singing Christina's "Beautiful" and I guess they are like, and if you don't think I am beautiful, at least check out my rack. But that is a hard song to sing, and they did not sing it well.

Geez, who is their choreographer?

Oh, I would not be singing with Christina Aguilera. No way. That child could make anyone sound bad. She has the most talented singing voice I have ever heard. I am judging the hell out of her though for her hair and outfit. Wouldn't this sad ballad have earned a pretty dress? It looks like she forgot part of her costume and the way the tights and the bodysuit come together, it accentuates that part where the leg goes into the hip and it looks so weird.

Ricky Gervais!! Yay. Hmm, jokes fell flat. Oops. Is Ricky a vampire? He has the longest canines I have ever seen.

I like Lee. He has a great voice and that little bit of rasp that I adore. I'd rather he win. (Not that I am invested). Maybe Crystal can afford a dentist now. Though, did Bo Bice ever fix his jacked up mouth? This choreography is sooooo awkward. I feel weird watching them. Embarrassed. It seems like all the older singers are losing their upper registers. They can't quite get those higher notes. Sad. Otherwise they sound great. I love Hall and Oates. Especially the clapping songs like Private Eyes *clap* are watching you *clap clap*. Good to see that Oates got dressed up for the occasion in his finest red flannel.

Man, I am having some serious flashbacks. they are taking me through my entire life, musically. HA! They have Alanis out there and they changed the lyrics to "Would she go down with you to the theatre". Awesome. Hahaha. How come Alanis always looks like she is about to chomp down on the microphone like a T-Rex? Love her.

The two finalists got to keep their customized cars from Ford (I own stock in Ford so I am happy about this kind of thing). But that exchange was awkward. Crystal tried to celebrate with Lee and he basically blew her off. And then the energy level was -99. Weirdos.

AI is having some serious audio issues. What was up with the random guitar strumming during that boy who Kara has a crush on's song? Aw, all of my former acid wash jeans wearing girlfriends are flipping out. Bret, this is your year, dude. (Good and bad.) Just like you are singing, "every rose has it's thorn". Go on with yer bad self. And lay off the tanner.

They are delving into Simon's loves, or his flirting. I am offended. He loves ME! He tells me on AI the Wii game. Though if he in all honesty, kissing with his mouth wide open like he is going to ingest your face, I am going to have to break up with him.

Excellent. They choreographed a dance for "Pants on the Ground". That old man is a better dancer than all of the contestants combined. But he is singing "Git your pants on the ground". Isn't that going against the whole message? What on Earth is William Hung attempting to sing. That was a very confusing number.

They have this big send off for Simon, but they just kick Paula off? Seems kind of crappy to me. She shows a lot of style by being on this show and being so gracious. Good to see she is still a little loopy.

Kelly! She must have inherited that necklace from Paula. How on earth did Fantasia win? Compared to the other winners, her voice is crazy. (And not good crazy). Taylor Hicks is a curious winner, too. And where the heck is David Cook?

Simon actually gave a standing O. That's a first. And could his shirt be any more unbuttoned? Maybe he got a belly button piercing and wants the world to accidentally see it. Why did Paula join Simon on stage? It's weird. Like when people bring their kids up who then stand awkwardly to the side.

I am using the words "weird" and "awkward" a lot. Hmm.

Is it just me, or does Janet sound just like Michael? I love her hair. She looks fabulous even dressed like Stevie Nicks. I am going to fast forward through the rest of the song though. Bored. Oh, she gets a second song. Yay. I love Rhythm Nation. (Even though it took me three tries to spell AND then it is not even Rhythm Nation. It's Nasty. Dang.) She is loving the lace cut out sides of her jumpsuit because all of her posing is so we can see it. Does she have a bow on her butt? What is that? Oh, ha. It's her mic.

I really don't care about why these two should be the next American Idol. They are as impressive to me as that guy who won last year.

Okay, here we go. We find out the winner. It's... SIMON COWELL! What? Yeah, have you seen the cars he drives? This show made him a winner for sure! The singing winner is... (Lee looks like he gonna puke) .... what? Lee won? Yay. I thought I saw Crystal win. You tricked me, Fox. Or shall I say you outFoxed me. (Ha).

I think it is mean that they have to sing when they are so emotional. No one can do that well.

Okay, bye Simon.

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