Saturday, March 31, 2007

Expose. Season 3. March 28, 2007

Kiele Sanchez is hot. Who knew she had the pole skills? I loved all the cheesy sound effects they added to the "Expose" shoot. Swish goes the hat. Maybe Kiele forgot to turn off the cheesy acting for her death scene on the island. Hey! Maybe they can put her in the magic box, and wish her back to life... in her bikini... and trench coat...

When Sun asks Sawyer how Nikki got to the beach, I wish they would've referenced "Heathers" and he could have answered that she mumbled "Corn nuts", before her final death dance. BUT NO. Lost writers are not the same writers who write for "The Family Guy". They would have added that in for sure and then gone on a 23 second tangent about it.

Nikki (Kiele's Lost character) is a brazen fashion hussy, out searching the dirty island for her diamonds in a pair of white shorts! AND she manages to keep them clean. They would look khaki on me before I even got off the beach.

I liked how they refilmed some of the early stuff to show Nikki and Paolo. But, was Shannon suddenly wearing a wig, and if so, what did she do so drastically to her hair? Did she go all Britney for having been tossed off a hit show and then asked to leave Hawaii before she had a chance to get a DUI?

I can't wait to see how they get out this one. Will they dig themselves out? Will Nikki sift all that sand looking for each rock? Will the Lost writers leave us to suffer, knowing that they were buried alive?


Is it just me, or does the Arby's logo over the men chasing after the pickup truck to get their curly fries, look like a male part?

The Girl Who Takes Credit - March 28, 2007

This week the girls are going to be men and looking at them, it would seem to not necessitate much makeup for some of them. Is it just me, or are reality show producers running out of good looking people to put on their shows? This group is so uninteresting to me. The best looking one, in my opinion, is Renee, and she is pretty in the you-see-her-in-the-background-of-old-Aaron-Spelling-shows kind of way.

The show starts off with Natasha having phone sex with her mail orderee husband. They have a kid? Did I hear that right? I don't want to ever watch her growl into the phone again, please.

Why did they do that Raggedy Ann thing to Brittany's hair? That is the most god-awful thing I have seen since I accidentally dyed my friend's hair green in high school. Apparently you need to put some red into blonde hair before you dye it brown. Word to the wise.

The girls get to meet model Claudia Mason and Director of Elite Modeling, Cathy Gould. They demonstrate their best idiot faces and because this so impresses, repeat the agape mouth, wide eyed look at every opportunity.

Ah, and now they are men. Jaslene is an indifferent homeless man. This is a look she can really sell as we can see from
this photo shoot as well as this one from a few weeks ago. I hope there is a market for it!

Natasha, fresh from another round of phone sex, brings her A game to the
shoot. Toothpick flailin', crotch grabbin', gum foil grill flashin'! The girl is on fire as a skinny Eminem. Yes, skinnier than he used to be... I put foil on my tooth once and it sent a spark of pain through my system so severe that it changed my brown eyes to blue. True story!

I have to say I cheer when they cry. Maybe I should feel bad, but I don't. I gloat that they feel sad and leak from the eyes and nose and even more than that, I am thrilled to see that EVERYONE's nose looks red and huge when they cry.

It's time for Tyra to get all soft spoken and talk weird. I was thinking early on in the episode that they would give the boot (Louboutin?) to Dionne, but then I thought one of the fat girls was going. (Fat. Pheh. They are trying to tell me that size 8 to 10 is plus size? Not in America, honey!) Tyra tells weird Jael that she has some work to do, and then congratulates her for still being in the running for America's.Next.Top.Model. I have to admit that I would be confused by this. Work on what? Am I in trouble? I'm just sayin'. Jael got no advice, just an admonition.

Bye Diana. Apparently we will see you again, because you said we would on your way out the door. I'll hold my breath.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Buy Buy Buy

My DVR hates me and thus I was left to stare mouth agape at the commercials. Commercials! They still make those? Even though I fast forward through them all? I used to get together with one of my friends every year to watch the Clio’s, the Academy Awards of the commercial world.
Since I was forced to watch them, I decided to discuss them.

1. GE wind commercials. I love the one where the kid gets on a hill to capture the wind in a jar and runs to his grandfathers side to help him blow out 100 candles on his cake. The looks on all of their faces when the wind blows out of that jar!! Brilliant.

2. Windows Vista WOW. I love to be wowed, and this commercial reminds me to stop and look every now and then. It's so simple. But I won't buy Vista.

3. Toyota Yaris. Hee hee, so cute! I want a Yaris, but only because of this commercial. They totally swiped the idea from "Spy vs. Spy", but brilliantly executed. Nicely done, Toy oh tah!

1. Volkswagon, Safe happens. Um, so if you buy a VW, you are guaranteed to be in an accident? You'll be okay, but it will happen. That's what I get from these commercials. No thanks.

Which ones do you love and which make you want to throw your shoe at the TV set?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Top Ten Finalists

What is up with Ryan Seacrest and his skinny little ties? Oh look! Gwen Stefani! I forgot about her early video crotchtasticness. Remember how the camera was always angled up at her crotch and she would thrust into it? Awkward. She looks a bit like a lipless teacher. Or maybe naughty nurse with those big white shoes... Maybe the red lips just work for her. She borrowed a tie from Ryan.

Lakisha Jones: She looks kind of mean and she seems to have a bit of the Oprah. (You know, off in la-la land when the conversation is not about her.) I think she is shy, but whatever. I wonder if she doesn't bother with a handbag when she goes out, and opts instead to bury her phone, wallet and keys in her massive cleavage? Marci does not want her to win because she has a lisp and one American Idol winner with a lisp (Fantasia Barrino) was plenty. Me, I just want to stick a piece of gum between her two front teeth because those gaps make me restless for some reason. I predict she'll go far in the competition, but she won't win and then she'll just fall off the face of the earth.

Jack Osbourne stole his jacket from a homeless guy before the show. What..? His name is Chris Sligh? Oh, he looks like a pregnant Wal-Mart shopper. Look at that, he did a white boy moonwalk. Nono. Is it wrong that he reminds me of Porky Pig? Randy talked about his package. This show is going downhill fast! Oh Chris, I loved you at auditions. But the shine has dulled. He won't last.

Paula looks kind of hot tonight with her ponytail. I thought it was the lipgloss that was good, but it appears that we have some fresh collagen in da HOUSE. But what is she wearing? Is she trying to impress Gwen?

Gina Glocksen: I love this girl. She was great because she did not force the song out this time. She's pretty and seems to have some personality. This has to be the ugliest/most boring group of individuals I have seen since my last job (HA!).

Simon is so saucy. He told Gina that this was not one her best performances, it was her BEST performance. He said that to me once too.

Hmph: Sanjaya. I am too lazy to go and look up his last name. What the.. Hold on. What the hell? What the frack? Oh! He forgot the words. Wow, he is just so bad. He did manage to tear my eyes away from his freakish mouth to stare agape at the pony-hawk, as Ryan called it. Sanjaya always looks terrified/nervous/confused to me. I foresee the Adult film industry for him. His sister, too. She has got some talent, if you know what I mean. (She has big boobers.) I could see Sanjaya cavorting on a South American beach with doing Tai Chi with Ricky Martin.

Haley Scarnato: She should have been born 20 years ago so that she could have been best friends with Barbi Benton and sing songs on the ledo deck of the Love Boat before disembarking at Puerto Vallarta for some sandy romancy with Doc.

Phil Stacey: Did he bedazzle his jacket? I can't get past the fact that he looks like the martian popping thing. Look, the martian popping thing has blue eyes, like Phil. Coincidence? I don't think so. Am I the only one who thinks he is a bit weird looking?
Oh, he sings, too? Oh.

Melinda Doolittle has no neck. I want to goose her so she opens her eyes. She's got a great voice, but her need for us to be gentle with her (based on the way she minimizes herself) makes me want to kick her.

This show needs a dentist. Gaps and funky teeth abound. Not at the judges table though. Keep them lips closed! Them choppers is blinding.

Blake Lewis is not Black Lewis as I originally typed, nor is he Blake Edwards, Julie Andrews husband. He always seems a little off key to me. Maybe it is my TV. Blake is interesting. I think he will go far as long as he does not get cocky. I despise how he dances. It never has anything to do with the song. And his wee little mouth reminds me of Tom Ridge.
Simon compared Blake to Chris Daughtry whose CD I just bought and it totally rocks and am I such a dork that I own CD's by three American Idol contestants? (And even more so that I like them?)

Jordin Sparks is my favorite. I think she is gorgeous. Though I would kick her off the show for that outfit she wore. Gah! Great argument right there against ugly gray knee-high boots. I pick her to win. Jordin flashes fingers (which I hate) to allow you to better understand that she is #9. But then she makes a finger heart and all is forgiven.

Random acknowledgement: Paula has a wad of toilet paper on her finger.

Chris Richardson looks like a Nascar fan from Manassas. (Hi Friends!) He has a monchichi head. He also borrowed a tie from Ryan. Man, Ryan is really generous. I cannot, and will not ever subscribe to the white sneaker look.


I have to admit to fast forwarding through most of the vote off show. They are so mean in how they tell those kids whether or not they will be leaving. Bottom three: Haley, Phil and Chris Sligh. I thought Haley was going home. Damn, we have to listen to her warble for another week.

You know, Gwen Stefani is adorable. That song almost makes me forgive her for the "Bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S." I will never forgive her for "Wind It Up" where she bastardizes the Sound of Music. NEVER!

Paula is paying homage to Gwen again. She too, borrowed a tie from Ryan. What, did you have a yardsale, Seacrest?

Chris Sligh is out!
"Th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!".

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I watch Supernanny every week in the hopes that maybe some of the stuff she teaches to these hapless parents will worm its way into my head and I will just be a great parent someday, should I actually find a guy that's dumb enough to knock me up.
She basically teaches them all the same stuff, and yet every week I am confounded at the behavior of these little demons and have no clue as how to reel them in. She really is super, and not in the sarcastic, get out of my face way that Marci uses the word super.
I can tell you that if my ugly little crotch fruit told me they'd want to kill me, I'd send their tails flying across the room. But maybe that is why I am watching this show, as to learn that maybe physical abuse is not the best plan for creating perfect little angels.
I know of some people who could use the Supernanny's help. Can I call her on their behalf? And then hang around, hoping she will want to drive me around in her maxi-Cooper? (Cause that thing ain't no mini).

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

TV, my one true love

As everyone who reads my blog and/or knows me, I love me some television. Hell, I would marry it, if (insert group here) did not frown upon that sort of behavior. My television watching should not be for naught (not for naught... heh... ), and thus it has been decided (by me), to comment on the shows I watch. Perhaps I will throw in some films for good measure.
I cannot say with any sort of honesty that all the shows I watch are good. I thrive on ANTM, and fast forward through much of American Idol. I don't miss an episode of Medium, and am horrified to hear that they might cancel Veronica Mars!?!
I hated 30 Rock when it first aired, but I am cemented to the Big Yellow Couch for all episodes now. I recognize that Studio 60 is just The West Wing at Saturday Night Live, but I love it. I think it is quick and intelligent and lets me pretend to know about working on a comedy set. (Which would be so awesome.)
I watch a lot of television. Maybe now you won't have to.