Tuesday, December 2, 2008

HarHumphrey

Jen won't watch it anymore. Apparently, it did not make the grade of watchable television for the busy busy girl. I, however, love Gossip Girl. I love it. I love the chemistry between Blaire and Chuck; Serena and the boy from Brooklyn whose name I suddenly can't remember, but seriously, how important is he? It's his dad I notice. Is that shameful? No, because I am 35 and I should be looking above the high school aged boys.

Oh, it frustrates me to see these kids drinking. Especially when I think about the puritan I was in high school. (Whaaa? You wanna do more than make out? You are outta here, fella. by the way, Eric Hemeon, if you happen to read this, I totally thought you were awesome and if you read this, contact me....)

In any case, I am feeling old. I like the DAD! What the he... Am I even allowed to watch this show anymore? No, this is not much of a show review, but what have you 3 readers come to expect of me? (One of those reader is me, and I have learned not to expect much. Sigh)

G'night kids. I am sleepy. Probably going to dream about how I was not attending balls and drinking martinis at age 17. Well, I am not even doing that now.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

American Nasal Awards

I am watching the American Music Awards. Decided to live-post because I really wanted to expound on my dislike for Jamie Foxx. But now I am watching the Old Guys on the Block. This group actually looks like a cover band that is there to mock them. I was never a fan, so I am not sure, but have they always sung through their noses? Gosh, they may be the worst singers ever. Sort of the offspring of Aaron Neville. These medleys…. They are seemingly never-ending. Where did they find the fat hookers to dance with them?

There are two guys in the front row that are not enthralled by being at this award show. And I wonder how much time will go by before Kanye beats Jimmy Kimmel up. Scott Weiland is still alive? Good for him! Ooh, he is sounding a bit like the really old guy from the Stones. And as he introduces P!nk (my favorite), he states that she is performing sober. Interesting. Drugs are bad, boys and girls. P!nk looks pretty, even though her dress has a built in muff. Is she worried she may be cold? Oh, Weiland said that she was performing the song “Sober”. Still he had to get the irony that he introduced this, right? Well, I suppose we should be glad he gets anything. I think the Celebrity Death Pool had him going fairly soon.

Nice eyeliner, David Cook. My audio is off, or else Taylor Swift is doing a seriously bad job lip synching. I think she is lip synching. Dude, she is just sitting there and she needs to fake it? How bad is her voice without the studio? Is she the new Ashlee Simpson (congrats on the baby with the dumb name!). The Rascal Flatts guys hardly applauded. She is one of theirs. Shameful.

Jimmy Kimmel looks bloated. But Chad Kroger looks better since he straightened his poodle hair. Jay-Z has never won an American Music Award? He streak is not over. Jimmy, RUN! Kanye’s comin’ to gitcha.

Leona Lewis sings through her nose, too. (Though how could she not. Look at it. Yes, I am mean. So what?) Shall I redub this the American Nasal Awards? You know, the people are getting wild applause but when the camera cuts to audience reactions, they look pretty darn bored.

Oh, Miley. Maybe I am old, but her staging freaks me out. She’s sixteen today. Still a bit short of legality towards her boyfriend, but closer to her next career as a stripper, based on her choreography. Oh, Miley.

The thing on Alicia Keys forehead is too easy a target and thusly I am leaving it alone. They are honoring Mariah? Oh, for the whole #1 thing. Cool. But can anyone tell me why she is crazy? Is it the norm for women with pipes like that to go crazy? (Think Whitney).

Dude, Rihanna, quit taking your sweet ass time getting to the stage. You are like the pedestrians that crawl across the street, just begging me to hit them with my car. Though, that Chris kid is a keeper. He took her purse for her so she could slowly saunter to the stage. Nice boy.

Lil Wayne is some serious creepy! Kanye is so much cuter when he smiles. Why does he keep trying to keep the smile off his face? Is he fishing for street cred by looking so non-smiley? He is a gazillionaire. There’s your street cred, dude.

I wonder if I would have loved the Jonas Brothers if I were 13. I don’t think my niece is into them. Is Joe the non-curly haired one? Run, boys! “The Dream” wants to strangle you. Why would you say that on an award show about a bunch of little boys? Oh, here comes Beyonce. I hope that means Justin Timberlake will be donning a leotard to back her up again. Beyonce dances the way that Elizabeth Berkley moved in Showgirls. Kind of like a seizure/electrocution. I am starting to think I should have watched “24” instead of this. Yeah, I should have. They just followed the Jonas Brothers up with the Pussy Cat Dolls. My personal Hell. Is that Miley Cyrus up there with them? Just kidding. Damn that girl is bendy.

Aw, Annie Lennox. Did she ever have a thing with that floppy haired blond guy in her band? I love her. Hey she talked about him. But I guess it was never a thing.

Is it just me, or could Natasha Bedingfield be Chelsea Handler’s sister? Okay, I was ready to write this whole show off, and then they pull out Sarah McLachlan and is that Pink with her? Yay. I love both. Especially Sarah. Yes I am come from the Lilith Fair generation. Rock on, my sisters! (Sarah is on the show because she is releasing a greatest hits album. Not to be nitpicky, but haven’t most of her last couple of cd’s been compilations of previously released songs? Is motherhood sapping the creativity from her? Oh whatever. I am such a sucker for her, I will probably buy it.) Congrats on your second daughter, Sarah.

Oh, Queen Latifah! I love her too. And Alicia Keys looks a bit like my friend’s daughter Hannah. That was a good song to end it on. But generally, that show was a waste of time. (I am apparently woefully out of the loop in popular music tastes. Crap. It was hard enough tuning to Classic Rock and finding songs from High School on there. I am only 35! Jeepers!!!)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My trip to LA was not like this at all.

Oh man, I had the most wicked crush on David Duchovny when he was on the X-Files. My ex bore a slight resemblance to him, even. Hmm. That's a little disturbing. I have a crush on Jensen Ackles from Supernatural now. Wonder if that means I am going to find someone that resembles him. That would not be too shabby because he sure is purty. (If you look like him, email me:)

I have been watching Californication and lo and behold, the crush remains. My crushes seem to lie dormant when the one in question is not in sight. Much like my crush on Simon Cowell that fades away between seasons and then flares up like a cold sore at the premiere of American Idol.

This show, Californication, blows me away (forgive the terminology). The things they do! The nakedness they display, not only in body but also in their acting. I don't think I could run around so confidently naked in front of the cast/crew and every person that will watch the show including parents and possible future dates (not to mention nieces/children/friends). Still, it is remarkably believable and interesting. The show is not even really about sex, but rather the connections/issues/ties, etc. that it seems to bring. I love that one of the main characters never is naked (Natascha McElhone). I don't know how to feel now that I have seen Paula Marshall's boobies and one of my favorite actresses (Judy Greer) as a happy prostitute. Big departure from her role as Becky Freeley in Miss Guided.

The cheating makes me crazy in a Fatal Instinct kind of way. I would frickin' lose my mind if I were treated the way some of these characters are treated. The general lack of faithfulness (that is an extremely strong word for what I am trying to say here because there is very little attempt at even coming close to faithfulness) is really frustrating to me. I can't stand the fact many of the characters seem to have not even an inkling of remorse while cheating on each other.

Still, Hank Moody actually tries to be true to his lady, though he is quick to throw in the towel when they are not considering themselves a couple.

This show could be labeled as a gigantic misogynistic portrayal of Hollywood. But I actually believe that this is a pretty darn honest show and it is presented with a lot of heart. Finally an intelligent show that has made it to two seasons! Yay.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS #1

I first noticed it back when watching Dharma and Greg. It was more difficult to come by in those days. I had to pause my VCR and slowly forward the tape in order to get rid of the tracking lines so I could read the words. In the days of a DVR, life is much simpler. Well, maybe not life, but certainly reading Chuck Lorre's wise words.

I love Big Bang Theory. I think it is one of the most clever shows on TV. I loved the episode where they mixed corn starch (or some derivative... What do I know, I am no physicist) mixture and let it bounce around on a Saran Wrap covered speaker. It looked like a little dancing Michelin Man. Hilarious. I loved the new take on Paper/Rocks/Scissors that was on the show tonight. They added lizard and Spock. Nice. These are the simple things that change the American cultural collective.

I will admit to being horrified at the way Johnny Galecki and guest star Sara Rue were rubbing saliva all over each other. The noises! I will have to sleep with the radio and the fan on tonight. Yuck. I hate TV kissy noises. And the way they dive after each with mouths agape and tongues a-flailing. It's like two mama birds with some weird attempt at trying to feed each other, while violently defending their own flock. (Hmm, maybe not the best analogy, but it's late and I am tired and you are just going to have to make due).

I like Chuck Lorre. I think he is clever and funny and witty and smart. I like that he is not afraid to say what he means even though he does seem to get censored a lot. If you have never noticed or never read his Vanity cards that are run after his shows, you can read them here (except for the censored ones. If you know where to find those, let me know!).

Companies that owe me money for having been advertised on this blog:
Michelin
Saran Wrap
CBS
Chuck Lorre Productions

Monday, November 17, 2008

Season 5, Episode 7: Business Trip

Pam's back on The Office. That's great. Who does not like Pam? While I think it is realistic that she would decide to not retake the computer class, I hate that she didn't. What are 12 weeks in the greater scheme of things? Does this mean that she is just going to go back to being Pam the receptionist /object of Scranton desire?

Michael went to Winnipeg. Nice. I loved how he talked to, how do you say, Marie (?) the Concierge. That is how Jen spoke French in Quebec. She, however, said it with a, how do you say, French accent. Good times!

When is that idiot who is engaged to Angela going to figure out that she is a wild mynx in bed with Dwight?

I am not feeling very clever, so that is all you get today.

The end.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I am the TV show whisperer. Listen to me!!

Now that I have finally learned what "Jump the shark" means, I want to declare that Ghost Whisperer has officially jumped the shark. It was bad enough when they killed off Aisha Tyler because she is awesome and interesting and so much prettier than Camryn Manheim which matters to me as I am very shallow.
They killed Jim? How lame. The relationship between Melinda and Jim was one of the reasons I tuned in. It is nice to see two people maintaining their individuality while still being a good couple. Killing Jim was bad enough but then he climbed into someone else's body? What did the actor do to piss the writers off?
Gah. I could totally guess how the episode was going to progress. I am close to vetoing this show from my list even though it makes me cry every single week. (Hey, I may be shallow, but I am a sappy sucker, too). I am double mad because Jim climbed into the body of a guy who was a lead on Jericho which means that Jericho is definitely not coming back and what is wrong with the Networks in that they are absolutely blind to good television (see Freaks and Geeks), but shows like The Biggest Loser have been on since 2004. Seriously, how many fatties are there for Jillian and Bob to beat into slimhood through weird television approved obstacles? (I had to look up their names because I watched this show once (as I will watch any show once) and Jillian would scare the weight off of me! But the dude seemed unnoteworthy and therefore I could not recall his name.
In any case, Ghost Whisperer... what the heck? Maybe they need some new writers? Or should just cancel before it sucks royally and I am forced to come back and delete this entry because I can't have anyone know that I actually watched this dribble drivel. SEE? It's making me dumber already!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Letter to New Amsterdam creators:

Okay, you guys tricked me. I thought this show would suck based on the pilot, but you redeemed yourselves in the second episode. We learned that the man is indeed fertile, yet a doting father, keeping his aging kin around him to do stuff for him. I think I would do the same. Still, I am worried that maybe some of his children were born without his knowledge and as it seems he has been in NYC forever, how could he not have "run into" one? (Forgive my crassness). John Amsterdam is growing on me. Suddenly he is handsome. (This always takes me a while to decide). But he is. And the actor is Danish. Did not expect that! I still think this is a fairly unattractive cast, but maybe I am starting to appreciate it? (Say it ain't so! I am okay with my shallowness).
I'm sold. Bring it on. But don't make it stupid. And stop showing me those Native American women who say he won't die. I get it. Boring.

"Where's the Beef?"

Dominique looks like a bit like Lisa D'Amato from Cycle 5.

Fatima has some issues. She is such a bitch. Ugh, I no likey. She is worse than the crappy "supermodels" of the 90's. Amis skipped..? Are these people just here for their 15 minutes of fame?

This is the cattiest group of people I have ever seen. I have that shirt, the one that Melvita has on. It looks better on her. Sigh. Ha! Dominique just called Whitney white trash. Hey kettle. I generally like the drama, but this is a bit much.

I feel like Claire is going to win this whole thing. But if Lauren can learn how to walk, she really has a great look.

Aimee does not like to get naked in front of others. Being a model is being naked all the time. Slipping in and out of clothes blackstage means nudity.

Oh, Fatima is going home. And Claire won the runway, I think. Nope. Katarzyna. Meanwhile, all the girls are talking about what Jaslene said to them (Amis: She said something really important to me, wait I forget what she said exactly.) I think her comments will inspire Lauren to get help with her walk.

Um, are they trying to say that Jay Manuel is a hunk of beef? Questionable. This is disgusting. Whose idea was this? Oh, Amis is going home. She is so bizarre. I want to like her, but she is throwing this chance away. Hey, she is being seen by a ton of people. Maybe this is her foray into acting? Damn, though, I thought Fatima would go.

Why is Tyra singing? What's going on? Tyra is commenting on how great everyone looks. I think she is setting Amis up for a massive roasting! But I love her (Amis) picture.

Anya looks like an old Jewish Polish man.

My picks:
Bottom two: Amis and Fatima.

Going home: Fatima.

Call order:
Anja.
Whitney
Katarzyna
Claire
Dominique
Staci-Ann
Lauren
Melvita
Marvita
Aimee

Bottom 2:
Fatima and Amis
Going home:
I kind of want Fatima to stay for the drama. And she is.
Goodbye Amis. You can go back to being Amy. Best wishes on the comedy circuit.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Makeover Show

Makeover show!

Omigod, I am so excited. I am seriously missing me some Marci right now. I don’t like watching this show without her. But on to making these girls look better/different.

I didn’t know that girls from Wisconsin could be so bitchy. Oh my damn! The female circumcision girl just called the Wisconsin girl BIG. Fatima is a mega-bitch. My goodness!

Ooh, they are going to go on a high fashion shopping spree at Walmart. Nice. Has anyone ever checked out the Walmart in Alexandria? Scary! No thanks. The one in Colorado is super awesome and I would shop there any day of the week.

Does the guy from Cover Girl look like Sean Hayes who played Jack on Will & Grace? He does. Take my word for it.

Why is a piece of Claire’s head shaved? She does not strike me as a punk.

Whoa, Allison is not attractive when she has no makeup on. But Fatima annoys me. I hate people like her who drop the biggest bombs on people and then act like it is your fault they said the most horrific thing possible.

Get on with the makeovers already! I wonder if they can de-ghetto-fy Dominique. I would not be a success on this show, because I can simply not bring myself to cheer and clap every time something happens. Wooo Tyra! Woo scissors! Woo lint! No.

Oh no. They made Anya look like a 65 year old Jewish man with long hair. Marvita and Lauren look pretty! I dig Claire’s platinum. Nice. Gag. Fatima is whining about her weave. Shut it. But damn if she doesn’t look beautiful. Allison looks like a girl on Beverly Hills 90210. No, Allison looks like Isla Fisher. Dominique has a bit of Amanda Peet in her. She still looks like a dude.

Who do I think will go home? I have no idea!
Bottom two:
Amis
Allison?
Dominique?

I dunno. No call for who is going home.
Damn! Called the bottom three! Woo!
Down to Allison and Dominique.

Bye Allison. Maybe this will teach her some humility. Based on her goodbye hug with Tyra, don’t think so.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

New Amsterdam Pilot

I have been looking forward to this show. They started promoting it last summer. So it had better be good because I know an attorney and am feeling litigious.

Starts off with a “Grey’s Anatomy” voiceover, dead people, sexy time, and a violent dream. Okay! Let’s go!

Why do immortal people always wear long black trench coats?

I’ll bet this guy can’t use email. He is still using one of the first cameras! My old boss was in his 50’s and he could not email. (Hell, we were lucky he could turn his computer on). This guy is 100s of years old. I’m gonna bet he can’t send an email.

Ew. He touched blood with his bare finger. Remember becoming blood brother/sisters with your best friend? You’d both prick a finger and the hold them together as your bond with them was made thicker than mud. Who was that I become blood sisters with…?

He can’t die until he finds “the one” and their souls are wed. I feel like I have that curse, too. My mom thinks I will find my true love in the nursing home. Super.

The people on this show are too normal looking. Where are the abnormally stunning medical professionals or confusingly gorgeous medical examiner? (I am not warped by television casting). Yikes, even the bartender has lost the genetic lottery. Some people are going to love this. Not me. I like to live temporarily in a world where even the homeless people are hot.

So far, I think I like “Woman’s Murder Club” better. (I think that WMC was cancelled. Bastards). I also liked Journeyman, but I think they cancelled that too. I am mad about that especially because I wanted to see if I could get used to the fact that the lead character “Dan” sounds just like Alan Alda.

I wonder if this guy is fertile. If so, how many little Amsterdams are running through the world? And do his great grandchildren have grandchildren by now? Has he accidentally had a “run-in” with one of his offspring?

The show had a cool photo montage of Times Square. I believe it was the Gridiron Building.

This show has no real emotion. It does not pull me in. They had an opportunity to delve into Amsterdam’s emotions with the old woman recognizing him, but they mostly brushed it off. It’s like they want us to think there is a ton under the surface, but refuse to do anything to prove it. So we are stuck with an empty shell of a show, where the shell is not even that attractive. I am not sold.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

New York City, Here We Come

Before I even begin watching, I just want to say that thus far I am sorely underwhelmed by the girls of cycle 10. They are mostly ugly and generally stupid. (You know, more so than normal). Yet, I have only seen one episode and in it they were left to their own devices in regards to hair and makeup and good Lord how I love the makeover show and why is that not the episode that is on tonight? (Holy mother of run-on sentences. I do feel run-on sentences go with the style of ANTM).

So, let's watch and see if they get prettier.

Off the cuff notes on the top 14:
Kimberly looks like a smushed Reese Witherspoon.
The plus size model has an oddly small head
Dominique looks like she is from Woodbridge. She terrifies me.

Kim makes herself an easy target. She needs to stop making comments about how people think she is a dumb blonde. I'd like her better if she kept her mouth shut.

The Somali girl has a high potential for getting annoying with her need to profess how strong she is. I get that she has been through a lot, but I don't feel I need to hear it everytime I see her. Plus, damn, she has not one bit of tact. I think it stems from her insecurity. She needs to settle down.

Why does Anya talk so strangely? I have never heard of anyone from Hawaii talking like her.

Claire is 24... really...?

First runway show is for Badgley Mischka. Nice! I love Badgley Mischka. I was in Saks once and saw this gorgeous dress on a rack all by its lonesome in the middle of an empty area. I wondered why it was all alone. I looked at the dress. It was a hand beaded (all over), cocktail length dress for $30,000. Yeah.

Omigod, can I say that I just got a little giddy when Paulina Porizkova came out? She was my favorite when I was little. I thought she was the epitome of beautiful. She still is. I still like her. Especially because she just called Dominique a transvestite. Oh, she is harsh! I DIG it.

I am looking forward to the throw down between Fatima (the Somalian) and Marvita.

Aimee looks like the girl from My Girl (Anna Chlumsky).

The throwdown was a let down. Sigh. But I was right about the reasons for Fatima's behavior.

The marquee Tyra mail is funny because it forces the girls to read the...way...they...normally...do...

Kim? always? talks? like? this? And? I? may? have? to? go? find? her? and? glue? her? mouth? shut?

Tyra looka like the doll she played in Life Size.

I like Lauren. I hope she figures it out a bit. Why would you want to model when you are so not really in that mind-set?

Some things they must change: the top knot on Dominiques head in addition to her frightening orange hue. Speaking of orange hue, change the color of Fatima's hair.

Um, Kim is an idiot. What are these girls doing here? Kim does not like fashion? Lauren is an awkward stick. Oh! Okay, bye Kim. Guess I don't have to glue her mouth shut. Good for her for getting out when she realized the modelling world was not for her.

Bye bye Atalya. I am glad she is gone. Based on the two pictures we have seen, she only has one face for the cameras. Boring.

Next week: MAKEOVER SHOW!

Girls Ain't Nothing But Trouble

Greatest opening dream sequence ever! Allison was having a silent movie dream in the vein of
Villian: "You must pay the rent!"
Lady in distress: "I can't pay the rent!"
Hero: "I'll pay the rent!"
Well done! The little one who plays the youngest of Dubois girls was laughing but they did a pretty good job of acting melodramatic.

I really like this show. A big part of it is the family dynamic aspect. Allison and Joe have been lauded (along with the couple from Friday Night Lights) as the most realistic couple on TV. Additionally, the characters in and of themselves are so real and multi-dimensional. I am not in the mood to wax poetic on why they are, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

In this episode, Joe has to deal with some of his eldest's teenager type actions, like asking to be dropped off a block from school, and having magical access to money. I am writing this as I watch, which is harder than it seems! I'm looking at the title and wondering how it will play in. The lead suspect of the case Allison is working on, has two daughters. Joe is dealing with Arielle. Are ALL girls trouble? I'd like to think I'm an angel.

Huh, I think I may be psychic, too! (Which is going to make my boss so happy as he seems to believe it is part of my job description). I said angel and Allison drew a sort of angel/fairy on her pad (okay, so it was more fairy than angel... Maybe I only have ESP2).

Ooh, Patricia Arquette needs to be fitted for a better bra. She's sporting the double set of boobs. (Overflow ain't purty). Man, she's got massive hooters. I never noticed before. I do love her. I think she's great in this role. I apologize for judging her for the spillage.

Unfinished ending to this episode. Hmph.