Sunday, November 23, 2008

American Nasal Awards

I am watching the American Music Awards. Decided to live-post because I really wanted to expound on my dislike for Jamie Foxx. But now I am watching the Old Guys on the Block. This group actually looks like a cover band that is there to mock them. I was never a fan, so I am not sure, but have they always sung through their noses? Gosh, they may be the worst singers ever. Sort of the offspring of Aaron Neville. These medleys…. They are seemingly never-ending. Where did they find the fat hookers to dance with them?

There are two guys in the front row that are not enthralled by being at this award show. And I wonder how much time will go by before Kanye beats Jimmy Kimmel up. Scott Weiland is still alive? Good for him! Ooh, he is sounding a bit like the really old guy from the Stones. And as he introduces P!nk (my favorite), he states that she is performing sober. Interesting. Drugs are bad, boys and girls. P!nk looks pretty, even though her dress has a built in muff. Is she worried she may be cold? Oh, Weiland said that she was performing the song “Sober”. Still he had to get the irony that he introduced this, right? Well, I suppose we should be glad he gets anything. I think the Celebrity Death Pool had him going fairly soon.

Nice eyeliner, David Cook. My audio is off, or else Taylor Swift is doing a seriously bad job lip synching. I think she is lip synching. Dude, she is just sitting there and she needs to fake it? How bad is her voice without the studio? Is she the new Ashlee Simpson (congrats on the baby with the dumb name!). The Rascal Flatts guys hardly applauded. She is one of theirs. Shameful.

Jimmy Kimmel looks bloated. But Chad Kroger looks better since he straightened his poodle hair. Jay-Z has never won an American Music Award? He streak is not over. Jimmy, RUN! Kanye’s comin’ to gitcha.

Leona Lewis sings through her nose, too. (Though how could she not. Look at it. Yes, I am mean. So what?) Shall I redub this the American Nasal Awards? You know, the people are getting wild applause but when the camera cuts to audience reactions, they look pretty darn bored.

Oh, Miley. Maybe I am old, but her staging freaks me out. She’s sixteen today. Still a bit short of legality towards her boyfriend, but closer to her next career as a stripper, based on her choreography. Oh, Miley.

The thing on Alicia Keys forehead is too easy a target and thusly I am leaving it alone. They are honoring Mariah? Oh, for the whole #1 thing. Cool. But can anyone tell me why she is crazy? Is it the norm for women with pipes like that to go crazy? (Think Whitney).

Dude, Rihanna, quit taking your sweet ass time getting to the stage. You are like the pedestrians that crawl across the street, just begging me to hit them with my car. Though, that Chris kid is a keeper. He took her purse for her so she could slowly saunter to the stage. Nice boy.

Lil Wayne is some serious creepy! Kanye is so much cuter when he smiles. Why does he keep trying to keep the smile off his face? Is he fishing for street cred by looking so non-smiley? He is a gazillionaire. There’s your street cred, dude.

I wonder if I would have loved the Jonas Brothers if I were 13. I don’t think my niece is into them. Is Joe the non-curly haired one? Run, boys! “The Dream” wants to strangle you. Why would you say that on an award show about a bunch of little boys? Oh, here comes Beyonce. I hope that means Justin Timberlake will be donning a leotard to back her up again. Beyonce dances the way that Elizabeth Berkley moved in Showgirls. Kind of like a seizure/electrocution. I am starting to think I should have watched “24” instead of this. Yeah, I should have. They just followed the Jonas Brothers up with the Pussy Cat Dolls. My personal Hell. Is that Miley Cyrus up there with them? Just kidding. Damn that girl is bendy.

Aw, Annie Lennox. Did she ever have a thing with that floppy haired blond guy in her band? I love her. Hey she talked about him. But I guess it was never a thing.

Is it just me, or could Natasha Bedingfield be Chelsea Handler’s sister? Okay, I was ready to write this whole show off, and then they pull out Sarah McLachlan and is that Pink with her? Yay. I love both. Especially Sarah. Yes I am come from the Lilith Fair generation. Rock on, my sisters! (Sarah is on the show because she is releasing a greatest hits album. Not to be nitpicky, but haven’t most of her last couple of cd’s been compilations of previously released songs? Is motherhood sapping the creativity from her? Oh whatever. I am such a sucker for her, I will probably buy it.) Congrats on your second daughter, Sarah.

Oh, Queen Latifah! I love her too. And Alicia Keys looks a bit like my friend’s daughter Hannah. That was a good song to end it on. But generally, that show was a waste of time. (I am apparently woefully out of the loop in popular music tastes. Crap. It was hard enough tuning to Classic Rock and finding songs from High School on there. I am only 35! Jeepers!!!)

No comments: