The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

Last week, which I did not write about, had Renee crying because all the girls hate her. All it showed me was these girls are so YOUNG. But Renee has turned a new leaf and is making an effort to be nice and likeable. I guess that is great for her housemates, but sucks for us ANTM watchers. I predict she will be a raging bitch again before too long.

I cannot believe that three of those girls are moms! And them kids is cute! What the hell kind of name is Ta'Kya? Wholahay is a better name than that. I don't even know how to say it. Tah-key-ah? Tah-kai-ah? Tah-kyay? Hmph. Maybe it is just a weird spelling of Jen.

This week the girls acted for us. I don't think we need to fear any of them pulling a Jennifer Hudson. (Though I still don't get that award.) I think Whitelle (Whitney) got into a fist fight with Pedro on stage. She had two black eyes. But in the end it was Renee who won the acting challenge and she chose Dionne to be her mate. They got t-shirts, those lucky bitches. But Renee, with her new sunny disposition, was ecstatic. And then we got to see babies! Aw, cute little babies. Troy is soo adorable. But man, seeing Renee and her husband made me think of a Maury Povitch show I saw once about these pre-teens who wanted to get married and have kids right away. Whoa.

They finally killed that squirrel roosting on Brittany's head. What the heck were they thinking with that thing? Her hair never looked good. She looked much cuter once they killed it. I don't think she is very pretty, though. She looks like a girl who would have been depicted in soap ads in the early 20th century. But I feel for her and her nappy ole weave. Imagine having a ponytail where one strand of hair is pinching. That hurts! Multiply that so it is all over your head and you can't loosen the pinch. Bah!

The photo shoot brought in girls from past cycles. It was fun to see them again, but none of them seemed to be too impressive. Even Joanie, who was my favorite, let me down. She has this weird smile which I am sure comes from years of hiding her snaggletooth. But the most random shoot was with Jael. She is an odd cat. She is ugly and speaks weird, and is generally unpleasant. But she takes wicked good pictures. Not this time, though.

Dionne had a photo with Kim, the lesbian. She was nervous because apparently she is not a kisser. I quote her saying "I don't even kiss my boyfriend". Is she a hooker?

In the end, Jael tried to fool us with a prim milk maid dress. But I saw right through her. Tyra intimidated like animals in the wild do, by showing us her massive thighs that she could crush us with. (No more short skirts, PLEASE).

Bye Whitelle! Go finish your Ivy League degree from my dream school. (Jealous)

The Girl Who Takes Credit - March 28, 2007

This week the girls are going to be men and looking at them, it would seem to not necessitate much makeup for some of them. Is it just me, or are reality show producers running out of good looking people to put on their shows? This group is so uninteresting to me. The best looking one, in my opinion, is Renee, and she is pretty in the you-see-her-in-the-background-of-old-Aaron-Spelling-shows kind of way.

The show starts off with Natasha having phone sex with her mail orderee husband. They have a kid? Did I hear that right? I don't want to ever watch her growl into the phone again, please.

Why did they do that Raggedy Ann thing to Brittany's hair? That is the most god-awful thing I have seen since I accidentally dyed my friend's hair green in high school. Apparently you need to put some red into blonde hair before you dye it brown. Word to the wise.

The girls get to meet model Claudia Mason and Director of Elite Modeling, Cathy Gould. They demonstrate their best idiot faces and because this so impresses, repeat the agape mouth, wide eyed look at every opportunity.

Ah, and now they are men. Jaslene is an indifferent homeless man. This is a look she can really sell as we can see from this photo shoot as well as this one from a few weeks ago. I hope there is a market for it!

Natasha, fresh from another round of phone sex, brings her A game to the shoot. Toothpick flailin', crotch grabbin', gum foil grill flashin'! The girl is on fire as a skinny Eminem. Yes, skinnier than he used to be... I put foil on my tooth once and it sent a spark of pain through my system so severe that it changed my brown eyes to blue. True story!

I have to say I cheer when they cry. Maybe I should feel bad, but I don't. I gloat that they feel sad and leak from the eyes and nose and even more than that, I am thrilled to see that EVERYONE's nose looks red and huge when they cry.

It's time for Tyra to get all soft spoken and talk weird. I was thinking early on in the episode that they would give the boot (Louboutin?) to Dionne, but then I thought one of the fat girls was going. (Fat. Pheh. They are trying to tell me that size 8 to 10 is plus size? Not in America, honey!) Tyra tells weird Jael that she has some work to do, and then congratulates her for still being in the running for America's.Next.Top.Model. I have to admit that I would be confused by this. Work on what? Am I in trouble? I'm just sayin'. Jael got no advice, just an admonition.

Bye Diana. Apparently we will see you again, because you said we would on your way out the door. I'll hold my breath.