Sunday, November 23, 2008

American Nasal Awards

I am watching the American Music Awards. Decided to live-post because I really wanted to expound on my dislike for Jamie Foxx. But now I am watching the Old Guys on the Block. This group actually looks like a cover band that is there to mock them. I was never a fan, so I am not sure, but have they always sung through their noses? Gosh, they may be the worst singers ever. Sort of the offspring of Aaron Neville. These medleys…. They are seemingly never-ending. Where did they find the fat hookers to dance with them?

There are two guys in the front row that are not enthralled by being at this award show. And I wonder how much time will go by before Kanye beats Jimmy Kimmel up. Scott Weiland is still alive? Good for him! Ooh, he is sounding a bit like the really old guy from the Stones. And as he introduces P!nk (my favorite), he states that she is performing sober. Interesting. Drugs are bad, boys and girls. P!nk looks pretty, even though her dress has a built in muff. Is she worried she may be cold? Oh, Weiland said that she was performing the song “Sober”. Still he had to get the irony that he introduced this, right? Well, I suppose we should be glad he gets anything. I think the Celebrity Death Pool had him going fairly soon.

Nice eyeliner, David Cook. My audio is off, or else Taylor Swift is doing a seriously bad job lip synching. I think she is lip synching. Dude, she is just sitting there and she needs to fake it? How bad is her voice without the studio? Is she the new Ashlee Simpson (congrats on the baby with the dumb name!). The Rascal Flatts guys hardly applauded. She is one of theirs. Shameful.

Jimmy Kimmel looks bloated. But Chad Kroger looks better since he straightened his poodle hair. Jay-Z has never won an American Music Award? He streak is not over. Jimmy, RUN! Kanye’s comin’ to gitcha.

Leona Lewis sings through her nose, too. (Though how could she not. Look at it. Yes, I am mean. So what?) Shall I redub this the American Nasal Awards? You know, the people are getting wild applause but when the camera cuts to audience reactions, they look pretty darn bored.

Oh, Miley. Maybe I am old, but her staging freaks me out. She’s sixteen today. Still a bit short of legality towards her boyfriend, but closer to her next career as a stripper, based on her choreography. Oh, Miley.

The thing on Alicia Keys forehead is too easy a target and thusly I am leaving it alone. They are honoring Mariah? Oh, for the whole #1 thing. Cool. But can anyone tell me why she is crazy? Is it the norm for women with pipes like that to go crazy? (Think Whitney).

Dude, Rihanna, quit taking your sweet ass time getting to the stage. You are like the pedestrians that crawl across the street, just begging me to hit them with my car. Though, that Chris kid is a keeper. He took her purse for her so she could slowly saunter to the stage. Nice boy.

Lil Wayne is some serious creepy! Kanye is so much cuter when he smiles. Why does he keep trying to keep the smile off his face? Is he fishing for street cred by looking so non-smiley? He is a gazillionaire. There’s your street cred, dude.

I wonder if I would have loved the Jonas Brothers if I were 13. I don’t think my niece is into them. Is Joe the non-curly haired one? Run, boys! “The Dream” wants to strangle you. Why would you say that on an award show about a bunch of little boys? Oh, here comes Beyonce. I hope that means Justin Timberlake will be donning a leotard to back her up again. Beyonce dances the way that Elizabeth Berkley moved in Showgirls. Kind of like a seizure/electrocution. I am starting to think I should have watched “24” instead of this. Yeah, I should have. They just followed the Jonas Brothers up with the Pussy Cat Dolls. My personal Hell. Is that Miley Cyrus up there with them? Just kidding. Damn that girl is bendy.

Aw, Annie Lennox. Did she ever have a thing with that floppy haired blond guy in her band? I love her. Hey she talked about him. But I guess it was never a thing.

Is it just me, or could Natasha Bedingfield be Chelsea Handler’s sister? Okay, I was ready to write this whole show off, and then they pull out Sarah McLachlan and is that Pink with her? Yay. I love both. Especially Sarah. Yes I am come from the Lilith Fair generation. Rock on, my sisters! (Sarah is on the show because she is releasing a greatest hits album. Not to be nitpicky, but haven’t most of her last couple of cd’s been compilations of previously released songs? Is motherhood sapping the creativity from her? Oh whatever. I am such a sucker for her, I will probably buy it.) Congrats on your second daughter, Sarah.

Oh, Queen Latifah! I love her too. And Alicia Keys looks a bit like my friend’s daughter Hannah. That was a good song to end it on. But generally, that show was a waste of time. (I am apparently woefully out of the loop in popular music tastes. Crap. It was hard enough tuning to Classic Rock and finding songs from High School on there. I am only 35! Jeepers!!!)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My trip to LA was not like this at all.

Oh man, I had the most wicked crush on David Duchovny when he was on the X-Files. My ex bore a slight resemblance to him, even. Hmm. That's a little disturbing. I have a crush on Jensen Ackles from Supernatural now. Wonder if that means I am going to find someone that resembles him. That would not be too shabby because he sure is purty. (If you look like him, email me:)

I have been watching Californication and lo and behold, the crush remains. My crushes seem to lie dormant when the one in question is not in sight. Much like my crush on Simon Cowell that fades away between seasons and then flares up like a cold sore at the premiere of American Idol.

This show, Californication, blows me away (forgive the terminology). The things they do! The nakedness they display, not only in body but also in their acting. I don't think I could run around so confidently naked in front of the cast/crew and every person that will watch the show including parents and possible future dates (not to mention nieces/children/friends). Still, it is remarkably believable and interesting. The show is not even really about sex, but rather the connections/issues/ties, etc. that it seems to bring. I love that one of the main characters never is naked (Natascha McElhone). I don't know how to feel now that I have seen Paula Marshall's boobies and one of my favorite actresses (Judy Greer) as a happy prostitute. Big departure from her role as Becky Freeley in Miss Guided.

The cheating makes me crazy in a Fatal Instinct kind of way. I would frickin' lose my mind if I were treated the way some of these characters are treated. The general lack of faithfulness (that is an extremely strong word for what I am trying to say here because there is very little attempt at even coming close to faithfulness) is really frustrating to me. I can't stand the fact many of the characters seem to have not even an inkling of remorse while cheating on each other.

Still, Hank Moody actually tries to be true to his lady, though he is quick to throw in the towel when they are not considering themselves a couple.

This show could be labeled as a gigantic misogynistic portrayal of Hollywood. But I actually believe that this is a pretty darn honest show and it is presented with a lot of heart. Finally an intelligent show that has made it to two seasons! Yay.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS #1

I first noticed it back when watching Dharma and Greg. It was more difficult to come by in those days. I had to pause my VCR and slowly forward the tape in order to get rid of the tracking lines so I could read the words. In the days of a DVR, life is much simpler. Well, maybe not life, but certainly reading Chuck Lorre's wise words.

I love Big Bang Theory. I think it is one of the most clever shows on TV. I loved the episode where they mixed corn starch (or some derivative... What do I know, I am no physicist) mixture and let it bounce around on a Saran Wrap covered speaker. It looked like a little dancing Michelin Man. Hilarious. I loved the new take on Paper/Rocks/Scissors that was on the show tonight. They added lizard and Spock. Nice. These are the simple things that change the American cultural collective.

I will admit to being horrified at the way Johnny Galecki and guest star Sara Rue were rubbing saliva all over each other. The noises! I will have to sleep with the radio and the fan on tonight. Yuck. I hate TV kissy noises. And the way they dive after each with mouths agape and tongues a-flailing. It's like two mama birds with some weird attempt at trying to feed each other, while violently defending their own flock. (Hmm, maybe not the best analogy, but it's late and I am tired and you are just going to have to make due).

I like Chuck Lorre. I think he is clever and funny and witty and smart. I like that he is not afraid to say what he means even though he does seem to get censored a lot. If you have never noticed or never read his Vanity cards that are run after his shows, you can read them here (except for the censored ones. If you know where to find those, let me know!).

Companies that owe me money for having been advertised on this blog:
Michelin
Saran Wrap
CBS
Chuck Lorre Productions

Monday, November 17, 2008

Season 5, Episode 7: Business Trip

Pam's back on The Office. That's great. Who does not like Pam? While I think it is realistic that she would decide to not retake the computer class, I hate that she didn't. What are 12 weeks in the greater scheme of things? Does this mean that she is just going to go back to being Pam the receptionist /object of Scranton desire?

Michael went to Winnipeg. Nice. I loved how he talked to, how do you say, Marie (?) the Concierge. That is how Jen spoke French in Quebec. She, however, said it with a, how do you say, French accent. Good times!

When is that idiot who is engaged to Angela going to figure out that she is a wild mynx in bed with Dwight?

I am not feeling very clever, so that is all you get today.

The end.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I am the TV show whisperer. Listen to me!!

Now that I have finally learned what "Jump the shark" means, I want to declare that Ghost Whisperer has officially jumped the shark. It was bad enough when they killed off Aisha Tyler because she is awesome and interesting and so much prettier than Camryn Manheim which matters to me as I am very shallow.
They killed Jim? How lame. The relationship between Melinda and Jim was one of the reasons I tuned in. It is nice to see two people maintaining their individuality while still being a good couple. Killing Jim was bad enough but then he climbed into someone else's body? What did the actor do to piss the writers off?
Gah. I could totally guess how the episode was going to progress. I am close to vetoing this show from my list even though it makes me cry every single week. (Hey, I may be shallow, but I am a sappy sucker, too). I am double mad because Jim climbed into the body of a guy who was a lead on Jericho which means that Jericho is definitely not coming back and what is wrong with the Networks in that they are absolutely blind to good television (see Freaks and Geeks), but shows like The Biggest Loser have been on since 2004. Seriously, how many fatties are there for Jillian and Bob to beat into slimhood through weird television approved obstacles? (I had to look up their names because I watched this show once (as I will watch any show once) and Jillian would scare the weight off of me! But the dude seemed unnoteworthy and therefore I could not recall his name.
In any case, Ghost Whisperer... what the heck? Maybe they need some new writers? Or should just cancel before it sucks royally and I am forced to come back and delete this entry because I can't have anyone know that I actually watched this dribble drivel. SEE? It's making me dumber already!