Joel McHale is not dumb

On May 25, when discussing Desperate Housewives, Joel stated that Edie hanged herself. He is not only wildly intelligent, his carefree delivery demonstrates his worldliness. Or, he has a good writer. Whatever. Good job, Soup!

Bug can pick 'em

I just want it on the record that I can pick American Idol winners. Of the three seasons that I have really watched (well, I started watching this season but lost interest pretty quickly...), I picked the winner from the very beginning each time. I picked Kelly, Carrie and Jordin. I am the smartest person in the world. (Or I have the same mentality as middle aged housewives and 12 year old girls.)

Into the Woods

Why did the guy who stabbed the Hardware shop owner break the window of the door to get in when the owner never even had the chance to lock it before getting stabbed? That's the kind of crap that makes me hate a television show.

As for the rest of it..

I am glad Susan went after What's his name.. But it all played out way too cleanly. That would never have happened in my life.

I am glad that Lynette's husband (the gay guy from Melrose Place) stood up for his marriage. I think that he is just as responsible and I appreciated his stance. I also understood where she was coming from and I hope that she can reignite the romance with her man. (Her husband man, I mean). And just because you enjoy someones company does not mean you wanna sleep with them. GEEZ.

As for Gabrielle and the Mayor guy... he is ugly and stupid and I don't see that working out. Besides, he is connected to the mafia? The story line is stupid and overbearing. And I am tired and bored of this. Let's get Ryan Reynolds to prance around shirtless on the show and my attention will be on it 100%.
Gnight.

Lost. No kidding.

Okay, I have to admit that I have no idea what is going on anymore. Locke's dad is locked (heh, get it? LOCKEd? ) up in a galley on the black ship. Locke drags Sawyer off to kill him, knowing that this is the guy that has been haunting Sawyer his whole life, the recipient of the "Dear Mr. Sawyer" letter that a young James wrote after his daddy killed his mummy.

I do understand that everyone is intricately tied together and that the show is a bit weird, but how did they bring Locke's dad to the island. They don't have the submarine anymore, after all... Also, is he really Lockes' Dad? I kind of thought that he was just a con man who tricked him. I didn't think he was actually the sperm donor.

Locke's dad says that he thinks the island is Hell and that everyone is already dead, making mention yet again of the fact that the plane was found with all the dead bodies inside.

What the heck is going on?

You know what? The show is weird, and I don't understand what is going on, but I'm in. Okay? DO YOU HEAR ME ABC? I SAID I AM IN! Until the end. I have faith that it will be good. But if it ends stupidly, I will go to each writer and personally step on each one's foot.

Is that what I think it is?

I was procrastinating writing my paper and thus found myself on the big yellow couch with a nice wine and Grey's Anatomy. Then I saw this:



Um, what the hell is that? Is that...? Could it be...? Would they show that on public television? Seriously, what else could it be? Where the heck were the ABC censors on that day? America gets up in arms about Janet Jackson's funky boob at the Superbowl, but seeing THAT is okay? I'm just saying.

Later in the show Meredith is taking her shirt off for Dr. McDreamy, but they show nothing. So a woman producing a show protects the skin of a woman and exposes the danglies of a man. Fascinating.

My Words of Wisdom. 4.12.07

Scrubs said goodbye to one of its own in its typical fashion; heavy on the humor with a dash of seriousness and a pinch of sadness.

What made me think, however, was the relationship between Eliot and pretty doctor boy. (Keith? Kevin?) I think it is Keith, so that's what we will call him. I hope that is right, so as not to confuse. Eliot has been busting her hump (her lovely lady lumps) to be the "cool" girlfriend. So when Keith tells her he is heading off to Las Vegas to do things that don't leave Vegas with his buddies over their first anniversary, she says cool.

Now, every other guy in the place wishes their girlfriend would be that way, and let them get away with murder. Keith's reaction? He wants to break up with her.

I have noticed something with men. When girls want to be with them, they are stand-offish and when girls are indifferent, they begin to cling. (Maybe everyone is like that.) Would Keith want to be a great boyfriend to Eliot had she not spent the first year of their relationship being apathetic to him as a mate? Is this a demonstration of how to make a guy want to be in a relationship?

The reasoning behind Eliot's behavior was that she was hurt so many times by men that she did not want to put herself in that position again. Is that wall appealing? Where lies the middle ground that allows for two people to happily be together without giving up everything, and also without the walls for protection?

I will leave you with my favorite line from the show spoken by the Pastor at the funeral.

"I love you and there is nothing you can do about it."

The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

Last week, which I did not write about, had Renee crying because all the girls hate her. All it showed me was these girls are so YOUNG. But Renee has turned a new leaf and is making an effort to be nice and likeable. I guess that is great for her housemates, but sucks for us ANTM watchers. I predict she will be a raging bitch again before too long.

I cannot believe that three of those girls are moms! And them kids is cute! What the hell kind of name is Ta'Kya? Wholahay is a better name than that. I don't even know how to say it. Tah-key-ah? Tah-kai-ah? Tah-kyay? Hmph. Maybe it is just a weird spelling of Jen.

This week the girls acted for us. I don't think we need to fear any of them pulling a Jennifer Hudson. (Though I still don't get that award.) I think Whitelle (Whitney) got into a fist fight with Pedro on stage. She had two black eyes. But in the end it was Renee who won the acting challenge and she chose Dionne to be her mate. They got t-shirts, those lucky bitches. But Renee, with her new sunny disposition, was ecstatic. And then we got to see babies! Aw, cute little babies. Troy is soo adorable. But man, seeing Renee and her husband made me think of a Maury Povitch show I saw once about these pre-teens who wanted to get married and have kids right away. Whoa.

They finally killed that squirrel roosting on Brittany's head. What the heck were they thinking with that thing? Her hair never looked good. She looked much cuter once they killed it. I don't think she is very pretty, though. She looks like a girl who would have been depicted in soap ads in the early 20th century. But I feel for her and her nappy ole weave. Imagine having a ponytail where one strand of hair is pinching. That hurts! Multiply that so it is all over your head and you can't loosen the pinch. Bah!

The photo shoot brought in girls from past cycles. It was fun to see them again, but none of them seemed to be too impressive. Even Joanie, who was my favorite, let me down. She has this weird smile which I am sure comes from years of hiding her snaggletooth. But the most random shoot was with Jael. She is an odd cat. She is ugly and speaks weird, and is generally unpleasant. But she takes wicked good pictures. Not this time, though.

Dionne had a photo with Kim, the lesbian. She was nervous because apparently she is not a kisser. I quote her saying "I don't even kiss my boyfriend". Is she a hooker?

In the end, Jael tried to fool us with a prim milk maid dress. But I saw right through her. Tyra intimidated like animals in the wild do, by showing us her massive thighs that she could crush us with. (No more short skirts, PLEASE).

Bye Whitelle! Go finish your Ivy League degree from my dream school. (Jealous)

24 - Season 6

I have spent an inordinate amount of time catching up on the first 5 seasons of 24 so that I could watch the new episodes of season 6 which have been heavily populating my DVR since January. I have about 6 hours under my belt now. Some things I have noticed about the new season are:

• Jack looks gooood. I like that shirt that makes his shoulders, chest and belly look yumm-o. That time in a Chinese prison did him good! Even if his hand looks like it was attacked by the Ebola virus.
• They have cast a ton of shorties. I guess Kiefer got tired of men like Dennis Haysbert (6'4 1/2") and D.B. Woodside (6'3") towering over his 5'11" frame. So in came Peter MacNicol (5'8") I think he looks like he could be older, teenier brother of Will Ferrell. and Chad Lowe (5'8 1/2"). What is it with the Lowe brothers and their political roles?

Really, I don't have much to say. Marilyn looks like Snow White and are they ever going to address the fact that Josh (Jack's nephew) looks JUST LIKE Kim? Who is the real father? And more importantly, thanks to Paul McCrane (listed at 5'8", which I don't believe because I am 5'5" and was just as tall as him), I only 1 degree away from Kiefer Sutherland. Yeah!

Expose. Season 3. March 28, 2007

Kiele Sanchez is hot. Who knew she had the pole skills? I loved all the cheesy sound effects they added to the "Expose" shoot. Swish goes the hat. Maybe Kiele forgot to turn off the cheesy acting for her death scene on the island. Hey! Maybe they can put her in the magic box, and wish her back to life... in her bikini... and trench coat...

When Sun asks Sawyer how Nikki got to the beach, I wish they would've referenced "Heathers" and he could have answered that she mumbled "Corn nuts", before her final death dance. BUT NO. Lost writers are not the same writers who write for "The Family Guy". They would have added that in for sure and then gone on a 23 second tangent about it.

Nikki (Kiele's Lost character) is a brazen fashion hussy, out searching the dirty island for her diamonds in a pair of white shorts! AND she manages to keep them clean. They would look khaki on me before I even got off the beach.

I liked how they refilmed some of the early stuff to show Nikki and Paolo. But, was Shannon suddenly wearing a wig, and if so, what did she do so drastically to her hair? Did she go all Britney for having been tossed off a hit show and then asked to leave Hawaii before she had a chance to get a DUI?

I can't wait to see how they get out this one. Will they dig themselves out? Will Nikki sift all that sand looking for each rock? Will the Lost writers leave us to suffer, knowing that they were buried alive?

Arby's

Is it just me, or does the Arby's logo over the men chasing after the pickup truck to get their curly fries, look like a male part?

The Girl Who Takes Credit - March 28, 2007

This week the girls are going to be men and looking at them, it would seem to not necessitate much makeup for some of them. Is it just me, or are reality show producers running out of good looking people to put on their shows? This group is so uninteresting to me. The best looking one, in my opinion, is Renee, and she is pretty in the you-see-her-in-the-background-of-old-Aaron-Spelling-shows kind of way.

The show starts off with Natasha having phone sex with her mail orderee husband. They have a kid? Did I hear that right? I don't want to ever watch her growl into the phone again, please.

Why did they do that Raggedy Ann thing to Brittany's hair? That is the most god-awful thing I have seen since I accidentally dyed my friend's hair green in high school. Apparently you need to put some red into blonde hair before you dye it brown. Word to the wise.

The girls get to meet model Claudia Mason and Director of Elite Modeling, Cathy Gould. They demonstrate their best idiot faces and because this so impresses, repeat the agape mouth, wide eyed look at every opportunity.

Ah, and now they are men. Jaslene is an indifferent homeless man. This is a look she can really sell as we can see from this photo shoot as well as this one from a few weeks ago. I hope there is a market for it!

Natasha, fresh from another round of phone sex, brings her A game to the shoot. Toothpick flailin', crotch grabbin', gum foil grill flashin'! The girl is on fire as a skinny Eminem. Yes, skinnier than he used to be... I put foil on my tooth once and it sent a spark of pain through my system so severe that it changed my brown eyes to blue. True story!

I have to say I cheer when they cry. Maybe I should feel bad, but I don't. I gloat that they feel sad and leak from the eyes and nose and even more than that, I am thrilled to see that EVERYONE's nose looks red and huge when they cry.

It's time for Tyra to get all soft spoken and talk weird. I was thinking early on in the episode that they would give the boot (Louboutin?) to Dionne, but then I thought one of the fat girls was going. (Fat. Pheh. They are trying to tell me that size 8 to 10 is plus size? Not in America, honey!) Tyra tells weird Jael that she has some work to do, and then congratulates her for still being in the running for America's.Next.Top.Model. I have to admit that I would be confused by this. Work on what? Am I in trouble? I'm just sayin'. Jael got no advice, just an admonition.

Bye Diana. Apparently we will see you again, because you said we would on your way out the door. I'll hold my breath.

Buy Buy Buy

My DVR hates me and thus I was left to stare mouth agape at the commercials. Commercials! They still make those? Even though I fast forward through them all? I used to get together with one of my friends every year to watch the Clio’s, the Academy Awards of the commercial world.
Since I was forced to watch them, I decided to discuss them.

Love:
1. GE wind commercials. I love the one where the kid gets on a hill to capture the wind in a jar and runs to his grandfathers side to help him blow out 100 candles on his cake. The looks on all of their faces when the wind blows out of that jar!! Brilliant.

2. Windows Vista WOW. I love to be wowed, and this commercial reminds me to stop and look every now and then. It's so simple. But I won't buy Vista.

3. Toyota Yaris. Hee hee, so cute! I want a Yaris, but only because of this commercial. They totally swiped the idea from "Spy vs. Spy", but brilliantly executed. Nicely done, Toy oh tah!

Hate:
1. Volkswagon, Safe happens. Um, so if you buy a VW, you are guaranteed to be in an accident? You'll be okay, but it will happen. That's what I get from these commercials. No thanks.

Which ones do you love and which make you want to throw your shoe at the TV set?

Top Ten Finalists

What is up with Ryan Seacrest and his skinny little ties? Oh look! Gwen Stefani! I forgot about her early video crotchtasticness. Remember how the camera was always angled up at her crotch and she would thrust into it? Awkward. She looks a bit like a lipless teacher. Or maybe naughty nurse with those big white shoes... Maybe the red lips just work for her. She borrowed a tie from Ryan.

Lakisha Jones: She looks kind of mean and she seems to have a bit of the Oprah. (You know, off in la-la land when the conversation is not about her.) I think she is shy, but whatever. I wonder if she doesn't bother with a handbag when she goes out, and opts instead to bury her phone, wallet and keys in her massive cleavage? Marci does not want her to win because she has a lisp and one American Idol winner with a lisp (Fantasia Barrino) was plenty. Me, I just want to stick a piece of gum between her two front teeth because those gaps make me restless for some reason. I predict she'll go far in the competition, but she won't win and then she'll just fall off the face of the earth.

Jack Osbourne stole his jacket from a homeless guy before the show. What..? His name is Chris Sligh? Oh, he looks like a pregnant Wal-Mart shopper. Look at that, he did a white boy moonwalk. Nono. Is it wrong that he reminds me of Porky Pig? Randy talked about his package. This show is going downhill fast! Oh Chris, I loved you at auditions. But the shine has dulled. He won't last.

Paula looks kind of hot tonight with her ponytail. I thought it was the lipgloss that was good, but it appears that we have some fresh collagen in da HOUSE. But what is she wearing? Is she trying to impress Gwen?

Gina Glocksen: I love this girl. She was great because she did not force the song out this time. She's pretty and seems to have some personality. This has to be the ugliest/most boring group of individuals I have seen since my last job (HA!).

Simon is so saucy. He told Gina that this was not one her best performances, it was her BEST performance. He said that to me once too.

Hmph: Sanjaya. I am too lazy to go and look up his last name. What the.. Hold on. What the hell? What the frack? Oh! He forgot the words. Wow, he is just so bad. He did manage to tear my eyes away from his freakish mouth to stare agape at the pony-hawk, as Ryan called it. Sanjaya always looks terrified/nervous/confused to me. I foresee the Adult film industry for him. His sister, too. She has got some talent, if you know what I mean. (She has big boobers.) I could see Sanjaya cavorting on a South American beach with doing Tai Chi with Ricky Martin.

Haley Scarnato: She should have been born 20 years ago so that she could have been best friends with Barbi Benton and sing songs on the ledo deck of the Love Boat before disembarking at Puerto Vallarta for some sandy romancy with Doc.

Phil Stacey: Did he bedazzle his jacket? I can't get past the fact that he looks like the martian popping thing. Look, the martian popping thing has blue eyes, like Phil. Coincidence? I don't think so. Am I the only one who thinks he is a bit weird looking?

Oh, he sings, too? Oh.

Melinda Doolittle has no neck. I want to goose her so she opens her eyes. She's got a great voice, but her need for us to be gentle with her (based on the way she minimizes herself) makes me want to kick her.

This show needs a dentist. Gaps and funky teeth abound. Not at the judges table though. Keep them lips closed! Them choppers is blinding.

Blake Lewis is not Black Lewis as I originally typed, nor is he Blake Edwards, Julie Andrews husband. He always seems a little off key to me. Maybe it is my TV. Blake is interesting. I think he will go far as long as he does not get cocky. I despise how he dances. It never has anything to do with the song. And his wee little mouth reminds me of Tom Ridge.

Simon compared Blake to Chris Daughtry whose CD I just bought and it totally rocks and am I such a dork that I own CD's by three American Idol contestants? (And even more so that I like them?)

Jordin Sparks is my favorite. I think she is gorgeous. Though I would kick her off the show for that outfit she wore. Gah! Great argument right there against ugly gray knee-high boots. I pick her to win. Jordin flashes fingers (which I hate) to allow you to better understand that she is #9. But then she makes a finger heart and all is forgiven.

Random acknowledgement: Paula has a wad of toilet paper on her finger.

Chris Richardson looks like a Nascar fan from Manassas. (Hi Friends!) He has a monchichi head. He also borrowed a tie from Ryan. Man, Ryan is really generous. I cannot, and will not ever subscribe to the white sneaker look.

VOTING OFF SHOW

I have to admit to fast forwarding through most of the vote off show. They are so mean in how they tell those kids whether or not they will be leaving. Bottom three: Haley, Phil and Chris Sligh. I thought Haley was going home. Damn, we have to listen to her warble for another week.

You know, Gwen Stefani is adorable. That song almost makes me forgive her for the "Bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S." I will never forgive her for "Wind It Up" where she bastardizes the Sound of Music. NEVER!

Paula is paying homage to Gwen again. She too, borrowed a tie from Ryan. What, did you have a yardsale, Seacrest?

Chris Sligh is out!

"Th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!".

Supernanny

I watch Supernanny every week in the hopes that maybe some of the stuff she teaches to these hapless parents will worm its way into my head and I will just be a great parent someday, should I actually find a guy that's dumb enough to knock me up.
She basically teaches them all the same stuff, and yet every week I am confounded at the behavior of these little demons and have no clue as how to reel them in. She really is super, and not in the sarcastic, get out of my face way that Marci uses the word super.
I can tell you that if my ugly little crotch fruit told me they'd want to kill me, I'd send their tails flying across the room. But maybe that is why I am watching this show, as to learn that maybe physical abuse is not the best plan for creating perfect little angels.
I know of some people who could use the Supernanny's help. Can I call her on their behalf? And then hang around, hoping she will want to drive me around in her maxi-Cooper? (Cause that thing ain't no mini).

TV, my one true love

As everyone who reads my blog and/or knows me, I love me some television. Hell, I would marry it, if (insert group here) did not frown upon that sort of behavior. My television watching should not be for naught (not for naught... heh... ), and thus it has been decided (by me), to comment on the shows I watch. Perhaps I will throw in some films for good measure.
I cannot say with any sort of honesty that all the shows I watch are good. I thrive on ANTM, and fast forward through much of American Idol. I don't miss an episode of Medium, and am horrified to hear that they might cancel Veronica Mars!?!
I hated 30 Rock when it first aired, but I am cemented to the Big Yellow Couch for all episodes now. I recognize that Studio 60 is just The West Wing at Saturday Night Live, but I love it. I think it is quick and intelligent and lets me pretend to know about working on a comedy set. (Which would be so awesome.)
I watch a lot of television. Maybe now you won't have to.