Television Bug

Television's biggest star

2012-01-17T12:51:00.000-05:00

It seems that the biggest star on TV is the baby (well, generally babies) who plays little Beth on Glee. I just saw that she also plays the Scavo baby on Desperate Housewives. Is it wrong to be jealous of someone who can't even walk yet?

Glee-ality

2011-08-21T22:01:00.000-04:00

Final Four - Season one finale. Who is gonna win? Let's break it down, shall we? (alphabetically).

Alex: He is a diva, but he has talent. I just wonder if there is more than one layer to him? Also, he is just the male/gay version of Mercedes which could either make or break him. I would not tune in to see him (though I would watch anyway) because I don't think he is a very good actor.

Damian (aka: Ireland): He has been in the bottom three a lot. But that also means that Ryan has seen him often enough to be able to have thought about a character for him. His accent would make him a good candidate for the short character arc as he could be an exchange student. I think he charms Ryan, but he is not very talented. I am not a fan of his singing or his dancey eyebrows.

Lindsay: She's got the looks, the voice, the acting chops. She just needs to get out of her own way. I just don't know what Ryan would write for her. There is nothing that makes her quirky (obviously quirky).

Samuel: His smoldering gaze is the only look he's got. I liked him tons at first, but now I am bored and over him. He is a decent actor. But... meh. I can see Ryan liking him because he is different looking and he has the whole Christian thingy.

So they brought back all of the contestants.. So.. yay..

"We're taking all 12 of you to the top of a 35 story skyscraper in downtown LA" and then we are going to push you off one by one until we have a winner. Just kidding. Robert Ulrich only said the first part. But I know they are afraid! Actually, if I were the insurance provider for the show, I would be afraid. These kids are not the most graceful.

Lindsay feels like a Beatle. Well, the camera sure seems to find her a lot during the video. And based on the video, you would think that Marisa was still in it to win it.

I have no idea who is going to win, and where the heck is Idina Menzel? The other guest mentors are there. Punk.

Damnometer! Lindsay nailed it! Holy smokes! And it was so fun to watch the faces of the "audience".

Ireland picked a good song, and he is charming as heck! But he can't even snap for himself in rhythm. But his eyebrows are going in full force.

Samuel is cocky, or insecure, or something, but it is really interfering with his likeability. He should be a shoo-in by singing Jolene, because it is such an awesome song. The crowd seemed to like him.

Alex is coming out as Mercedes. I like his wig.

Time to decide. I still lean towards Lindsay because I do believe singing and acting ability is important. Zach just said that Ireland could be an exchange student. I bet if they cast Alex, he would play the role of a cross-dressing student who gets outed, or something.

Ryan is wearing my hat. Samuel won? Meh. Ireland won, too. Hmm. They all won? Lame-o. They just did that so they can actually keep whoever turns out to actually be the best fit on the show.

The end.

Generosity

2011-08-15T00:54:00.000-04:00

Generosity. I am lacking that today. Well, let's make a judgment call at the end of this diatribe, shall we? Just started the show and I already know that Ireland/Dancing Eyebrows is going home. He is the least talented singer of the bunch. Plus, his eyebrows are weird. (As am I. I have been typing with an Irish brogue... Also, drinking wine which makes typing ever so difficult.)

I think this show has a multitude of layers. I think that even if Lindsay doesn't win, her personality will take a shift to the better. As for dreadlocks (why do I suck so bad at names? Oh, like you'll remember who I am talking about in the future anyway...), his attitude is wicked annoying. I hate people who are so "oh, woe is me" until they have a modicum of success, then suddenly turn into entitled beyotches. Blech and boring. I think he needs some training. But the problem with our current reality television star churning machine is that they don't suffer the indignities of failure before success as most talented people do. (Like ME! In one day I went to four (4) auditions. I was told that I was too fat, too slim. Too ugly, too pretty. Too American, too European. Nose too big. Face too small. Whatever! Those are the things that make you strong! Failure!!! Mean people! Going home to wine (heh, I mean whine) to your cat about yet another role you did not land until you land the role. Then it is on, mutha brothers! ON! Or you chicken out and go to work as an assistant at a defence, er defense firm. (How did I get infected with the British bug?) No judgment. Just saying. People should have to work hard to get that level of success.

Where was I? Diatribe over. Suddenly I am exhausted. Oh, I have to watch this show.

I think Lindsay will win. She's pretty. She really can sing. She can act. If she can get past her sociopathism (is that a word? Ah, it is now.) then she will be great. Alex is the female version of Mercedes. Ireland is awful and Samuel is a close second but... he is a one trick pony. (sultry song glare...)

Yay. It's smiley boy time. Zach Woodlee is so cute. Shh. Lemme enjoy this...

Shhh...

Seriously... SHHHH...

Okay, Lindsay is still an arrogant cow. Knock it off. And Ireland thinks that shrugging his shoulders is akin to playing the drums. I cannot type the sound that I am making. But seriously, Zach is cute! Even when he says things like "I do need them to take this a bit more seriously, though. It is Glee we are talking about".

They seem to be losing control. It's like the inmates running the asylum. That said, they used Lindsay's audio most and she came across in the video well. So, I stand by her. BUT they just said Ryan and game changer, so maybe they will use all of these kids... Oh, no. That's not it. They all have to perform. Okay... That was sooooo unexpected.

The vocal coach chick (who is sooo pretty) really dislikes Lindsay. It practically oozes out of her. I applaud her ability to make Lindsay not notice. I wish they would assign Charlie Chaplin's "Smile". I love that song.

Is Ian Ryan Murphy's boyfriend?

Ireland needs botox injections in his forehead to settle those eyebrows down! Smeh. My personality, my arse. Time for you to go home. Okay, just kidding. He is charming. But, buh bye, now. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

Defying Gravity... Interesting choice for the girl they are attempting to get to change. "Something has changed within me." I think they are feeding her the win. Or they are trying to get her to quit on her own. ('Cause the song is about someone who bucks authority).

I dunno why, but Samuel has begun to annoy me. What is it? I think he is tedious. I think they all are, but maybe I just see something in Lindsay I can relate to (I too, am an insecure narcissist).

Whenever this show is over, I feel an urge to have an Itunes concert. "Isn't it grand? Isn't it great? Isn't it swell?"

Seriously!?! Ireland is staying? They're all staying? What's the point of that? Wimpy judges.

(Don't judge me as I am a little weepy for them. I am such a sap. Ugh)

Sexuality

2011-08-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

I believe it is time for another rousing edition of Bug reacts to The Glee Project. After last week's devastating release of my personal favorite Marissa, I'm not sure who I am rooting for anymore. This episode ought to help push someone into my favor. Meanwhile, I will drink wine and eat Ruffles Molten Hot Wings potato chips. (Feel free to send me new flavors to test out, or reward my mention of your product with All Dressed chips which I know can be found in America's hat*.)

This week's topic is sexuality. I think Marissa would have been great on this. And poor Ireland's head would have exploded. By the way, why is he still on the show? I said good day, sir (in a poor Irish accent).

I am afraid for my eyes during the homework assignment as these kids try to rape the guest from the stage every week. The Horror! Plus the nerdy seriel killer looking kid always does the same spastic dance which the show runners seem to think is spectacular and I think is an indicator of an imminent brain aneurism. I wonder how he will insert it into today's show. Maybe they should do a show called subtlety. THAT is something they could stand to learn. Hmm, they used the voyeuristic version of sexuality. They kept looking at Puck and Zizes and the casting guy as if they were expecting them to join in, perhaps?

Ugh! You have a girlfriend. We get it. Now, I am a big fan that he is loyal and true to her, but dude, you are an actor. You are acting. Sheesh. I think she will be okay with that and if not, you are going to have to give up one or the other. Ha! Ireland just said that he didn't think the scenes would be too sexual as it is Glee! Um, are we watching the same show?

The video: Teenage Dream - Katy Perry. Um, I thought the food in the kitchen was a little on the nose with Hannah. I'm sorry, but...
They cut so much that it never really went anywhere, for me. They stayed on Lindsay and Ireland the most, which made sense because they where the only ones that seemed to get the idea for the video. I didn't think the kitchen couple was flirting and Samuel seems to be a decent actor, but Alex not so much. That was my least favorite video of them all.

My guess for bottom three: Alex, Cameron, Lindsay. I pick Lindsay because of her vocal limitations per Nikki. Cameron mostly because I don't really like him and he won't do what a director asks of him.

I don't know if I wrote this in my last post, but I think the kids who get to perform in front of Ryan are lucky. Even though they are called bottom 3 and have the possibility of going home, Ryan gets to know them and see if he can write for them. I think he is way more likely to cast someone he knows he can write for.

Hmm, I was wrong on Lindsay. The bottom three are whining about being in the bottom. Suck it up, honeys. The acting life is a tough one, full of nos and negative things.

I kind of love Alex. He is super queenie, which could go awry in my ever so humble opinion. Yet, he has something that I am thoroughly charmed by. I hope he can channel his feelings into being a better actor. If he could just tap into his vulnerable side, he could win.

I love how very supportive Robert and Zach are when these kids sing in the bottom three. They have proud papa looks on their faces and clap vociferously.

Oh, is Cameron quitting? I think that they might let him go, but Ryan's desire to write for a Christian kid overrides his ability to see that Cameron would not be a good choice to win. He is too young. Maybe in a couple of years after this girlfriend has promised to save herself for their wedding day, and winds up pregnant with twins from her Algebra tutor, who happens to be Cameron's arch nemesis, and twin brother, and he vows to sleep with all of her friends to get back at her, will he be able to be on Glee.

See?

Haha. Ryan said he was sad because he felt that Cameron could have touched so many people. Isn't that why Cameron is leaving? He doesn't want to touch all of those people. And man! Ireland is like a cat. 9 lives. Always landing on his feet. But Cameron is a jerk for saying that he saved Ireland.

Cameron has to go tend to the bodies in his basement. ***

*I am just teasing!** I love Canada and everything it has to stand for. I am exceptionally grateful for the fantastic game Balderdash that hails from the Great White North. So no politely phrased hate mail, please.
**I am not, however,teasing about sending me these chips. Pleaseandthankyou.
***or crawl space. How would I know? He didn't talk about it on the show.

Pairability

2011-07-18T12:47:00.000-04:00

I am really into this show. I have to say that I am a proud "Gleek" Britney episode notwithstanding. (Though I did watch that episode again recently and did not hate it as much as I did the first time I saw it. Yep, drank the koolaid, I did.)

So they have culled the show of many of the people I thought were not meant to win. But every week we get to know these kids a little better and it makes it harder (or easier) to see them leave.

My current favorite is Marissa. She has been a solid, but quiet contender. As she is finding more success, we are seeing her sexy, booty poppin' side. I hope she can maintain herself so that her lips don't suddenly turn fuchsia. (That's an Emily reference, who went home in episode 2).

So they are doing duets this week. Awesome. They paired Ireland with Matheus. They sang The Lady is Tramp. (Which according to my mom, the song is about me). Their video was cute, but those two are hams and overacted their way to the end. Thank God the singing coach couched Matheus "rocker screams". Ugh, so don't need to hear that crap anymore. As for Ireland, I'm just not a fan. I don't know what it is about him, but no. He gives creepy looks, and sings like he's being muted. Just weird. Sorry.

They paired Hannah and Alex. I like her and I glad they taught Alex some humility last week, because he was on a train to divaville.

Ooh, I love the choreographers. She just told Hannah that everyone is sexy. Which, YES! So true. You just have to own it, baby. Find your sexy.

So Hannah and Alex are singing "Nowadays", a Broadway tune from Chicago, which was sung by two women. Oh no! They actually dressed Alex in drag? And what is that wig on Hannah's head? They are really forcing her to dig deep for the sexy. Sheesh! Alex looks good as a woman, and Hannah looks pretty, save for that wig... They bring a lot of sass, but not enough energy.

So now we get to see the video for "Don't You Want Me Baby" with Marissa and Samuel. The two frontrunners, if it were up to me. Crap, that's a hot video, and when she kisses him at the end, he dives in for more. She is a good actress. She gives a lot without doing too much. I really like her.

Finally we have Lindsay and Cameron. He is a little weird to me. He seems to be hiding a lot? I dunno. He makes me uncomfortable. And she is soooo cocky. Which is a shame, because she can back it up with talent and looks, but no one wants to be around that. Uh oh. She just felt the challenge of oomphing it up after seeing Marissa kiss Samuel. I see backfire coming? Let's see what happens. Oh, cute!! It was a cute video. She really is talented. He's pretty good, too. And then she lays one on him. It worked for me. Cameron has to go to confession, now. Wow, he is feeling serious guilt for Lindsay giving him an acting kiss. And my ex had no problem having a harem of women to do more than kiss. Interesting. But back to Cameron. He wants to be an actor? What's the plan? To have a lip double?

Okay, my bottom three would be Matheus, Ireland (what is that boy's real name??), and Hannah. I pick Hannah because she was overshadowed by Alex in the video. Let's have the real bottom three revealed: Oh, that's a game changer for sure! (Why is the choreography boy so cute?) Before watching them sing, I think Matheus is going home.

Hannah and Alex singing Valerie. They are sooo cute. I want more of them!!!!

Matheus and Ireland sing These Boots are Made for Walking. They worked well together but don't want more of them. And why does Matheus always wear his shirt unbuttoned to the naval?

I am officially a fan of Ryan Murphy. One, he tells Matheus not to listen to divas who will always try to bring you down. Then he calls Cameron out for getting kissed, crying, and then calling his mother. I like that he calls people out on their crap right away. It is intimidating, but at least you always know where you stand, right? So, are they going to have to do a final bottom three in addition to the duets?

Okay, off on my bottom three, though Matheus is going home. That I am sure of. But I love that they are teaching them how to be better actors, better people.

Top 12

2011-07-17T18:56:00.000-04:00

Time to check in on the dancers. I am not as in to this season as I would like to be. There is no one that is really compelling to invest in. As much as I love MM, she doesn't quite possess as much personality as I expected her to when I first saw her audition. I still like her a lot. She could win. As for Ryan, she is definitely missing something intangible that is vital to being an exciting dancer. Marci made a comment about her using her arms weirdly, or not extending them enough. It's true, they somehow seem to have the tensile strength of a cooked noodle. I'm ready for her to go. She's been in the bottom 3 consistently and the judges keep saving her.
The boys are pretty great this time, but they don't have the fire I am looking for either. The boy who could be Harry Shum, Jr.'s (of Glee) little brother always looks like he is about to cry and that makes me angry for some reason. (I don't seem to possess too much maternal instinct). They should utilize his sad face and make him do a pierrot dance.
Caitlynn overacts too much for me to like her a lot. She's always indicating to the audience. I think she is a fabulous dancer, but she seems more fit for a cruise ship, than as a key dancer because she doesn't ever become the dance. She is always performing it. I do appreciate Nigel not wanting to comment on her sexiness because he is afraid it will label him as a dirty old man. (TOO LATE!)
Mary Murphy and her teeth are back this season and I have already blown out six speakers. She does seem a little tougher this time around. And they are using Sonya more, which I adore. She is really intelligent and I like what she has to say.
Speaking of judges, I am loving guest judges. Yay for Kristin Chenoweth and the randomness of Jesse Tyler Ferguson. I get Kristin, but is Jesse a dancer? A Broadway guy? Or is he just a dance appreciator? Whatever, I liked having him there.
I think I am cranky because this is a pretty harsh review. Forgive me. I can be more funny later.

The elimination show:
Kat was nominated for an Emmy! That's very appropriate and I hope she wins. She makes the show. (8 noms for the whole show).

Okay, I love the little shorts and the saucy outfits that the dancers wear. But what the heck is Clarisse wearing? She looks like one of the girls I saw on 14th St. one night. Yikes.

Okay, what do they have to say to the girls? As we know, I think it is time for Ryan to go. I have a feeling the judges will agree. Yup. Good choice. Let's look at the boys.

I have no idea which will be sent home. I think it may be Alexander... and I am right.

I just need a really awesomely choregraphed dance to get back into the show. Bring Mia Michaels back.

Season 8. Episode 1

2011-06-17T12:45:00.000-04:00

I love watching these kids dance. It makes me think I can fly through the air, legs and arms spread akimbo. (Which is sadly disproved when I crash into walls, and or wrench my ankle in my attempts).

I have seen two auditions and I have already picked my winner. Melanie Moore is gorgeous. She has a bit of a Ginnifer Goodwin thing going for her. I cannot wait to see her in Mandy Moore or Mia Michaels choreography. (MM all the way).

The rest of the show seems to be the usual compilation of talent vs. wanting to be seen. One fella, calling himself "White Chocolate" further proves my point that white chocolate is just a wad of fatty tastelessness. (Okay, that's a bit extreme, but C'MON!)

Amber Williams is a little firecracker. She is in fierce competition with Melanie to be my favorite, though her wack-doodleness may become a little annoying. I hope she balances it out. (Sheesh, do I sound like an old lady, or what?) I have to say that when she takes the commentary from the judges, she is very polite. So. YES!

And finally, it's good to see Mia Michaels' protege back. I can't remember her name, but she's a great dancer.

Okay, I am already a little bored. The auditions go on far too long. Let's just get to the dancing.

More singing teenagers.

2011-06-16T15:55:00.001-04:00

I saw that my girlfriend Idina Menzel was going to be the guest person on the second episode of the Glee Project and thought, wait, they haven't aired the second episode yet? So I tracked down the first one, starring the cute Darren Criss to quietly judge in preparation for my girl.

Keeping in mind that it is a reality show about teen/20-somethings, I have a low bar. At the same time, we are dealing with kids singing! and dancing! Yes, please!

They sing a group song (Signed, sealed, delivered) to Darren. He has the appropriate facial reactions that one would have when people are overacting their little hearts out. Why do all the kids wink at me? It's unnerving. Also, the heavy metal shriek, aka the Adam Lambert, must stop. Ugh. "Wow" she says derisively, "You sure do have range...". But they can sing. Let's see where this goes.

Okay, not having seen much yet, I am ready to lay the judgment down. There is the fuchsia lipped girl who tries to verbally rape Darren and then proceeds to lay her sad little slutty mark down everywhere she goes. When asked what her yearbook superlative would be, she says "to be the best swimsuit model that I could be". She then follows that up with a direct to camera "I hope I get to wear a bikini". What is she trying to prove? Boring.

Then there is the girl who thinks she looks really young, and when confused for a boy, she does look like an extra from Oliver Twist. She complains about looking young and then proceeds to talk in a baby voice. Being someone who looks much younger than they are and not being a huge fan of it, this is further proof that looking young messes with people's heads. So stop saying it is so great to look young, unless you do and you know what the heck you are talking about.

Okay, the video was super cute, and I am starting to like these kids. I hope fuchsia lips calm down, and that pretty little "classically trained soprano" doesn't get her head so bloated that she is unable to fit into the studio. I find that Ireland has little to no personality and that child-girl needs to get out of her own way. The other guy in the bottom three has made no impact on me either, but I feel like he will self-direct himself home, if he is not careful. The other pretty girl reminds me so much of someone and I just can't place her.

Ireland sings Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl". He sings it in a new and improved way. He sings "I wish that I was Jessie's girl". He is committed to the notion and afterwards Ryan Murphy calls him out on it. Oops.

The other guy seems old. So he could be one of the football players.

The little girl one needs to stop seeing herself that way so that she can get ahead. Not just here, but in life.

Okay, they posted the list. I want to put my guess down for who they are sending home...
I think Ireland is in because his foible was charming. I think that other guy is out simply because he was attitudey to the cute dancey guy.

The one being sent home is:
Bryce (the other guy)

Damn, I am good. I would be a good casting agent. (Hire me to cast your project!)

"Never Been Kissed"

2010-11-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

Holy smokes, that boy from the Warblers is soooo cute. Good for Kurt for standing up to the meathead. Whoa! Should've seen THAT coming. But I didn't. I was too busy cheering Kurt on.

Poor Bieste. I want them to be nice to her. Though her in a tutu en pointe at the barre with the cigar was a fairly priceless image I don't want to leave my imagination for a long time. Why did Schuester tell her what the kids are doing with her image? I swear, he gets more and more dumb each episode.

Holy crap. Bieste is 40!?! I'm almost 40. My friend Jen is 40. There is a HUGE disparity in the way we look. AND Schuester will kiss anyone.

Have the Glee writers lost interest in Rachel? She spoke 55 words and she mouthed "okay" once. She was in 4 scenes, including the song which she sang. And yeah, I counted. What? It's who I am.
I mean, I get it. Her story arc was covered last season. But she looks HOT and makes me wanna cut bangs again. (That paragraph had 60 words in it, until I started typing this sentence...)

I want a confetti cannon.

I'm conflicted

2010-10-30T01:20:00.000-04:00

My nemesis hosted the gang from the film "The Sound of Music.
I watched. She, as is her way, made it all about her. I wouldn't expect less. ("I looove my faaavorite thiii-iiings")
Ugh.

But I love my BFF Julie Andrews.

Short Fuse

2010-10-28T23:35:00.000-04:00

I like shows that take place in DC. I really do. I'm sure it's because I live here, and whatever. But I do get annoyed when shows that are located here mispronounce names of our stuff, like our cities. It's pronounced Mah-Clane. Not Mc-clean. And Gibbs AND McGee mispronounced it. Grr. That's just wrong. Didn't anyone who works on the show ever live in VA?

Mah-clane!

Oh, and lady at 411. It's Gleeb, road, not Glee-bee road. (Glebe Rd) (Though that one I found hilarious and use all the time to the point that someone thought they were mispronouncing it when they said Gleeb. Ha!)

Shock to the System

2010-10-01T00:38:00.000-04:00

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy since the beginning. I was really sold on it at first. I loved the slightly off characters. It seemed to make sense to me that people who would choose to spend their lives elbow deep in people's bodies would be a little crazy.

Then they got too crazy.

I got bored. I think we all did. Grey's was no longer a destination show. (I knew of people who would have "Grey's night" with potluck dinners.)

Then they shot last season's finale. Holy smokes. When the gunman shot the Shrek doctor and then pulled Dr. Bailey out from under the bed, I thought I would never breathe again. Grey's Anatomy was back!

Okay, it is still neurotic and some of the things that annoyed me are still annoying. It's like getting back together with someone you dumped and you are not sure if you want to get as serious as you were before.

Tonight, when Cristina Yang loses her $**! in the OR and Meredith comes in and lies on the ground with her, I was in.

Actually, Cristina's storyline is the only one I am really interested in right now. I want to care about Meredith. I like that she left Derek in the clink. But Shonda Rhimes has some work to do to bring me back around to the others. By the way, having ditzy doctor who crushed on Shepherd move into Meredith's orphanage with them is not the way to do it. Meredith, who refused to acknowledge her father or sister for so long would not come around to this silly girl so easily.

It's Brittany......Bitch.

2010-09-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

I love Britney Spears. I love Glee. I do not love the two together. Wow. This was maybe the worst episode. The writing was heavy handed. Will Schuster is uptight. You know how I know? Because they told me 7000 times. I dunno if he is uptight, but after that little performance to "Sailing", I am thoroughly convinced that he is a super dweeb.

The songs seemed like karaoke. Bad karaoke. Let's break down the musical numbers, shall we?

1. Brittany sings "I'm a slave 4 U". Turns out she has a pretty good voice. She sings it a little slow, but it's good enough. I am glad for this sequence because we got to safely ogle her ridiculous body. Damn, I need to get to the gym. But the dancing was frenetic. The girl is a dancer. Couldn't they have choreographed a little better? And what was with her dancing with children whilst in the red pleather ensemble from "Oops, I did it again". Very confusing and distressing.

2. Brittany and Santana sing "Me against the Music". I was concerned with Santana's use of that cane and the fact that she thrust her crotch into the face of a disinterested boy. She's creepy just like Madonna was in the original video. I do love her voice and the relationship between her and Brittany. Brittany does do the whole tongue hyper-extended over her front teeth to lip sync "t"s. Question: why is Brittany's hair so dirty looking? I thought Britney did not get all white trashy until she met K-Fed. Oh, who am I kidding...
Britney shows up at the end of this song sequence and she looks old. Old. And, well, old.

3. Rachel sings "Hit Me Baby One More Time". They made it higher for her and she sang it. I mean that she made it all singy, and not cool. Like she is trying way too hard. Like a pageant kid. She also does the over-lip-synching.

4. Artie sings "Stronger". Baybay... Britney appears in a cheerios uniform at the onset of this song. She needs to fire her hair stylist. Her extensions look sooo crappy. Unless she puts them in herself. (Remember that Matt Lauer interview). This was sung fairly well, but smeh... Bored.

5. New Directions sing "Toxic". I love that they are finally letting Brittany sing. The kids in the audience flip out then proceed to have a massive group masturbation orgy. Very distressing. Very, very distressing. And why did Kurt place two hats over Mercedes' boobs? That was odd. Very odd. Then the massive freak out for the fire alarm going off? My school had two fire alarms in the last week and neither time did anyone rush out of the building. In fact, we contemplated staying. (We're fierce like that).

Rachel wears a revamped version of Britney's ensemble from "Hit Me". It does not look too different from what she normally wears. This show is confusing me.

The comments the kids make as they come out of anesthesia are pretty awesome.
Brittany "Are you a cat?" "I pet a snake"
Rachel "Is this real life" (Nice nod to David after dentist)

Why is Will so against Britney? And why is he so into Christopher Cross? That did not make any sense. Then they slid in an awesome Paramore song? Huh? How does Hayley Williams tie in to Britney? Also, she sang it wrong. Just one word, but still bugged me. But she sang it really well.

So, this episode was suckily written, but I learned that Britney makes you cool.

Raising Hope Pilot

2010-09-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

Raising ~~Princess Beyoncé~~ Hope.

Wow, so much happens in the first ten minutes of this show. It's tightly written and kept me engaged.

*Spoiler*

It's a shame they kill off the baby momma so quickly because the girl who plays her is super cute.

I love Martha Plimpton and I am so glad to see her in something again. She was briefly on a couple of episodes of "The Good Wife" and was great. I am glad she gets a meatier role. And she gets to say things like "dramastically".

They nail the poor white people family. (I try not to use white trash, because it is so very derogatory, but were I to use it in the colloquial sense, it would fit here.)

I think this show is so wrong, it's right and hopefully will continue with the "Omigosh, they didn't" type of chuckles.

SNL Katy Perry (Host-Amy Poehler)

2010-09-28T15:13:00.000-04:00

Katy Perry is a beautiful girl. I have not figured out why she is so desperate to be a cartoon. She sang "California Gurls" to a New York crowd, and seemed surprised when they did not respond to her "Come on" (and sing California gurls).

She did not sound bad. She started a little wobbly, but she figured out pretty quickly that she could stop singing the whoa-oh-oh- parts and leave that to the recording she was singing along to. In short, she sounded like I do when I sing along to the radio, except a little better.

She sounded great on the Teenage Dream song. (I love that song). I was prepared to say that she does not have a great voice, but she sang the hell out of the Boogerman song.

This entry took a turn. I was all, whatever Katy Perry, when I started. But she was cute. And I love how she poked fun at the Elmo debacle by wearing his face stretched across her massive boobs.
Well played, Perry.

Mid-September madness

2010-09-25T11:48:00.000-04:00

Joel McHale always wears this skinny ties. I was thinking he was just a super big Mad Men fan. But I just saw him standing next to Patrick Warburton, whom I have always thought is the tallest man on TV (wait, what about Raymond's brother from Everyone Loves Raymond maybe he is actual tallest), and Joel is a good inch or so taller than him. Maybe the ties are normal size, but they just look skinny on him.

So Paris Hilton is not welcome in Japan anymore... Anyone fancy a trip to Tokyo?

Back to School

2010-09-24T01:45:00.000-04:00

The Middle! I kind of love this show. I think I may even like it better than Modern Family. Scandalous thinking on my part, I know. I love the family dynamics here. I love the weirdness. I love Sue's optimism, Brick's bookishness (bookishness), and well, I think Axel wandering about in his boxers is unnerving. But you can't win them all. Let's see what the Hecks are up to.

When I was little school always started on or around my mom's birthday, which she considered to be the best birthday gift. I never understood. Wasn't she sad that her baby was leaving her?

The show opens on the end of summer and the madness that is the first day of school when you are the parents of three kids.

Ha! Sue's middle name is Sue. That's great.

This is another show that uses voiceover. Here, however, it works as we are in Frankie Heck's head as she lives her life as a mom. I feel like she is how I would be if I could ever roofie someone long enough to marry me and help me bear their children. Or maybe I just relate because I think I was (still am?) Sue Sue Heck. She gets to be in on the all inclusive Cross Country team. She wears her new team sweatshirt all the time, even though it is way too hot. I would do that.

As for Frankie (the mom), she opts to try to get ahead of problems. This leads to mayhem. I would do this and this would happen. Sigh.

This is a great show. Watch it.

Pilot

2010-09-24T01:08:00.000-04:00

I am not thrilled about watching this new comedy "Running Wilde". It just looks kind of stupid to me. I hate how they got all clever to name the kid "Puddle". The fact that the show is being told from this kids point of view is an interesting convention, but not one I am certain of thinking highly of.

I really love Will Arnett, but I feel like he needs a talented cast around him to keep his characters from becoming too over the top, or just simply too much. I like Keri Russell, but... well... I really don't have anything to say about her. I did love Waitress.

I would not even be watching the pilot if it were not for it being on right after Raising Hope which is another one I am on the fence on (leaning a bit more towards like than not, though). So here goes. I am gonna watch this show and then we can can discuss if I have changed my opinion.

Already we start with a voiceover... Ugh. It's a bit heavy-handed being told the story from the girl who does not talk. I have to admit that I lost interest pretty quickly and opted to wash my cat's water bowl instead. When I came back, there were natives in a pool.

I dunno about this show. It's not very sophisticated. I hate that networks think that American viewers are stupid. There is a sweetness between the two leads, but I am not thinking I will be back to see how they progress.

The Town

2010-09-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

Wow. This movie was non-stop action. It was violent. It was fast-paced. It was so much more.

This was an incredibly well written film. The stress level is flying off the roof, and they manage to bring a line in that makes you laugh and still stay true to the storyline and the characters. None of the characters are left hanging. In other words, everyone we meet is important and their story is completed, at least enough for us viewers to be satisfied.

Ben Affleck does a gorgeous job directing. He goes from a super saturated look, to black and white. Intense noise to dead silence. He uses these conventions carefully to create an extremely compelling film.

It's a Boston film, but not a Bahston film. The accents (save for maybe Blake Lively's) are not painfully noticeable. It just happened to take place in Boston.

Great story. Great film. Go see it. (Ben Affleck is getting sexier with age).

"Patricia Field"

2010-09-23T11:56:00.000-04:00

It's episode three of America's Next Top Model, season 15, I think. So, ostensibly we should have 14 current supermodels thanks to Tyra and her band of merry men. Alas... So Tyra is mixing it up Italian Vogue this season and reaching for the heights of TOP model. This is great as Tyra is so clever and never gets clichéd.
Par example:
2st episode: Catwalk for fashion show was several stories off the ground. (That's soo top model!)
3rd episode: Girls are fallen angels and are strapped into a harness.

Dear Tyra, you don't have to be so literal.

There is one girl, Rhianna, who looks like a leprechaun.

But I want to talk about Anamaria. She was kicked off last week. This child stated that she is on a severe calorie restricted diet. She likes how she looks and works hard to stay so slim. Then she added that her mum wants her to gain some weight. At her photo shoot, she looked like an Auschwitz survivor. I took this picture off of the TV which does not show how very scary skinny she is.

You could see her pelvic bone. Her elbows are bigger than her arms. She's 5'10" and weighs about 110. Gross. During her elimination Tyra tells her that she is very slender and that is not good for modeling. She goes on to say that Anamaria could be the most healthy girl, and other lame ass platitudes that make it okay for Anamaria to continue on her self destructive path.

This little girl is going to starve herself to death. And Tyra had an opportunity to do something about it. Tyra had a chance to take a firm stance against anorexia and did not take it. Unacceptable.

Simon says buh-bye

2010-05-28T13:22:00.005-04:00

I lost interest halfway through the season. But I am back to see off my boy Simon.

Seacrest says that the race is tight between the two finalists. But when he asks the crowd to cheer for each one, the noise is way louder for Lee. I, however, already know that the chick won because of the awesome way that AI always runs over into the next show and I DVR all of my shows. So, thanks for that, Fox.

We start off with another crappy group song from the top ten. That bass player is hot. Wait, those Alice Cooper kids are cool. Hey, Alice Cooper? Awesome. Are Wayne and Garth gonna pop out, too? (I hear they are friends with the Coop).

Seriously, that bassist looks like what I imagine Taylor Momsen (Gossip Girl) thinks she looks like.

Hey, it's that guy from last season. I still can't remember his name. He is so unremarkable. Apparently the AI people think so, too, as they left the mics on during the beginning of his song, so we can hear Seacrest talk to the director. Oops. I wonder if That Guy is still married to his little blonde girl. I always feel like people who were married before becoming famous never stay married to that person. But he is still wearing his ring. Yup, still married, according to IMDB. Impressive.

Ooh, a Simon retrospective. Let's see how his Monchichi hairstyle has evolved over the years...

WOW. Seacrest and Randy are bad actors, and I am not paring homage to Michael Jackson here. Yikes. That little pseudo-celebration was hokey. I guess they did it on purpose to avoid the wrath of the Simon Cowell. Still.

Ugh, I forgot how bad this season was. I had selective amnesia. Everyone basically sucked. I feel like I am on a cheap cruise being forced to suffer through the "entertainment" in order to get at the free buffet and drink my face off. (Though, vicious circle? Bad entertainment=drinking more?).

Ooh! BeeGees! Damn, they can't hit their signature notes anymore. We need Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon to save the day.

Michael McDonald got old. Hmm, guess that happens. I hate that because I don't feel like I am getting older, yet he was old when I loved him as a little person. He sounds sooo good. He looks good, too. We'll just ignore the awkward hand grab/release thing the two Michaels did at the end.

Now it is time for the insult song. I have one, too.

(Sing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star).

This show is pretty stupid now, as we say bye to Simon Cowell.

What will next season look like, without the snark of that British guy?

(Poetic license in effect!)

Who cares? No one will see.

At least I can guarantee it won't be me.

Maybe I will not be following in Kara's footsteps and become a songwriter.

Are they trying to make Dane Cook relevant again? Remember when he was kind of funny? I saw him with Jen at the Improv and we laughed and clapped, and hi-fived the guys we shared a table with. I even have a signed comedy CD from him. Now I hide it.

The people are rhythmic clapping? Ugh. I hate that. Oh no! Muffin top attack. Is that the girl from Manassas? Yikes. Oh, the nauseating camera rip away from the creeps on stage. Maybe they were trying to say that Dane fit in with the creepy AI Castaways. Glad that's over.

Dude, the cleave is out on these ladies. Holy smokes. They are singing Christina's "Beautiful" and I guess they are like, and if you don't think I am beautiful, at least check out my rack. But that is a hard song to sing, and they did not sing it well.

Geez, who is their choreographer?

Oh, I would not be singing with Christina Aguilera. No way. That child could make anyone sound bad. She has the most talented singing voice I have ever heard. I am judging the hell out of her though for her hair and outfit. Wouldn't this sad ballad have earned a pretty dress? It looks like she forgot part of her costume and the way the tights and the bodysuit come together, it accentuates that part where the leg goes into the hip and it looks so weird.

Ricky Gervais!! Yay. Hmm, jokes fell flat. Oops. Is Ricky a vampire? He has the longest canines I have ever seen.

I like Lee. He has a great voice and that little bit of rasp that I adore. I'd rather he win. (Not that I am invested). Maybe Crystal can afford a dentist now. Though, did Bo Bice ever fix his jacked up mouth? This choreography is sooooo awkward. I feel weird watching them. Embarrassed. It seems like all the older singers are losing their upper registers. They can't quite get those higher notes. Sad. Otherwise they sound great. I love Hall and Oates. Especially the clapping songs like Private Eyes *clap* are watching you *clap clap*. Good to see that Oates got dressed up for the occasion in his finest red flannel.

Man, I am having some serious flashbacks. they are taking me through my entire life, musically. HA! They have Alanis out there and they changed the lyrics to "Would she go down with you to the theatre". Awesome. Hahaha. How come Alanis always looks like she is about to chomp down on the microphone like a T-Rex? Love her.

The two finalists got to keep their customized cars from Ford (I own stock in Ford so I am happy about this kind of thing). But that exchange was awkward. Crystal tried to celebrate with Lee and he basically blew her off. And then the energy level was -99. Weirdos.

AI is having some serious audio issues. What was up with the random guitar strumming during that boy who Kara has a crush on's song? Aw, all of my former acid wash jeans wearing girlfriends are flipping out. Bret, this is your year, dude. (Good and bad.) Just like you are singing, "every rose has it's thorn". Go on with yer bad self. And lay off the tanner.

They are delving into Simon's loves, or his flirting. I am offended. He loves ME! He tells me on AI the Wii game. Though if he in all honesty, kissing with his mouth wide open like he is going to ingest your face, I am going to have to break up with him.

Excellent. They choreographed a dance for "Pants on the Ground". That old man is a better dancer than all of the contestants combined. But he is singing "Git your pants on the ground". Isn't that going against the whole message? What on Earth is William Hung attempting to sing. That was a very confusing number.

They have this big send off for Simon, but they just kick Paula off? Seems kind of crappy to me. She shows a lot of style by being on this show and being so gracious. Good to see she is still a little loopy.

Kelly! She must have inherited that necklace from Paula. How on earth did Fantasia win? Compared to the other winners, her voice is crazy. (And not good crazy). Taylor Hicks is a curious winner, too. And where the heck is David Cook?

Simon actually gave a standing O. That's a first. And could his shirt be any more unbuttoned? Maybe he got a belly button piercing and wants the world to accidentally see it. Why did Paula join Simon on stage? It's weird. Like when people bring their kids up who then stand awkwardly to the side.

I am using the words "weird" and "awkward" a lot. Hmm.

Is it just me, or does Janet sound just like Michael? I love her hair. She looks fabulous even dressed like Stevie Nicks. I am going to fast forward through the rest of the song though. Bored. Oh, she gets a second song. Yay. I love Rhythm Nation. (Even though it took me three tries to spell AND then it is not even Rhythm Nation. It's Nasty. Dang.) She is loving the lace cut out sides of her jumpsuit because all of her posing is so we can see it. Does she have a bow on her butt? What is that? Oh, ha. It's her mic.

I really don't care about why these two should be the next American Idol. They are as impressive to me as that guy who won last year.

Okay, here we go. We find out the winner. It's... SIMON COWELL! What? Yeah, have you seen the cars he drives? This show made him a winner for sure! The singing winner is... (Lee looks like he gonna puke) .... what? Lee won? Yay. I thought I saw Crystal win. You tricked me, Fox. Or shall I say you outFoxed me. (Ha).

I think it is mean that they have to sing when they are so emotional. No one can do that well.

Okay, bye Simon.

Will I be lost without it?

2010-05-24T19:43:00.003-04:00

Live blogging the last episode of Lost!

I am wondering if I am going to be happy with the wrap up of this convoluted show. If it is a dream, I am gonna be pissy about it.

I kind of want to see sideways Ben get together with Danielle Rousseau and be step-dad to Alex.

Matthew Fox lives up to his name. Yum. He wants to stop doing TV and focus on films. I think he is more of a television actor. I don't really see him in film. Just my opinion.

Oh, we are going to find out who Shepherd's ex-wife/baby mama is. I wonder if they will go with Julie Bowen. Nope. Well! Juliet. Wait until Sawyer finds out.

Okay, wow. I had big plans of writing about the end of this series I committed six years of my life to. But... I have nothing to say. Nothing. Really? They're all dead? That's the best the could come up with? Bah. Boring. Besides, wouldn't everyone on that plane be in the church? And who was playing Jack's son? Was it some kid who died on the plane?

More unanswered questions. But my response is the same as to the finale. Whatever.

Holy crap!

2010-05-21T00:37:00.005-04:00

I am half hour into Grey's Anatomy season finale and I am basically freebasing adrenaline. My heart is racing. I am shaky. I feel like I am in that hospital with them.

***Spoiler Alert***

The gunman just pulled Dr. Bailey from under the bed. My hands were already over my ears as I heard the Shrek-like doctor beg for his life and get shot. Then I commenced hyperventilating along with Miranda as I feared his bullets would find a home in her as well. I already have a fear that they are going to take out Meredith Grey. (I read in TV Guide that she wants out and that they are going to make the Grey in the title be Lexie).

Hot damn, Grey's Anatomy! You have made this show exciting again. This season has been so boring. Way to nail the finale (at least 30 of the 120 minutes so far!). Oh, it's on again. Be back soon.

Oh no! He found Derek! What's gonna happen?

I'm scared that he is patronizing him. Or that Meredith is going to screw it up. Nope. It's the silly doctor girl. Oof. Right in the heart. Sheet. Dang. Where will I get my Patrick Dempsey fix now?

Ooh, silly doctor girl is smart. She is humanizing herself so he can't kill her. Smart.

Hmm, the gunman backed off because he saw the SWAT team enter? I call bs on that. He was out to get Derek and nothing was going to stop him. He shot at least 3 doctors, a nurse, and a guard prior to getting to him. He would not have backed off because of the coppers. He was on a mission. He had him in his hand.

Aw crap. Silly doctor girl heard her life saving info from Oprah? Stinkin' Oprah. Always coming through to save the day.

He was going to take out Lexie? Now she is going to feel guilt forever. Wonder how that will be manifested in the next season.

Okay, the SWAT guy shot him. Those guys are expert marksmen. Why is he shot in the shoulder? They missed all vital organs and bone. Okay, maybe not bone, but important stuff fer sure. That is almost the most innocuous place on the body to hit. That is just stupid. They shoot to kill and nothing else. That guy had time to wave Lexie out of the way, while the shooter lay on the floor. I call BS again.

Gary Clark? That's the shooter's name? Sorry former Redskin. That's a sucky legacy there.

(Sidenote: I just saw a commercial for the series finale of Lost. Now that the show is done, Josh Holloway can finally cut his lame-o mullet.)

I wonder what the final body count is gonna be on this episode? We lost Dr. Pixie (Reed). That's it, so far. Uh oh. Dr. Webber just went in. He is definitely gonna be a goner.

Did Ellen Pompeo have a nose job at some point? She has that perfect plastic surgeon's nose. Slim bridge, slight upturn at the tip. Just curious.

Chandra Wilson (Bailey) is not a pretty cryer. She is not an ugly cryer either. She is a great actor, though. I don't know when how people cry became an item of import to me. Katherine Heigl was a pretty cryer. Diane Lane=not a pretty cryer. I want to stab her when she cries. (Sorry)

Back to the show: So sexy Scotsman Kevin McKidd (Dr. Owen Hunt) is on the scene. Is it me, or does he seem assholey when he talks to Meredith? When he walks into the OR, I think he is having a PTSD moment. I paused it, so I don't know if the shooter is there for real, or if I am right. But if he is there, how the heck did he get in without silly doctor girl noticing him? Let's find out. (un-pause).

I think it is PTSD. I think that Cristina is just freaking out. Hmm. Wait. I may be wrong. (What? I guess there is a first time for everything). Dang. The PTSD just shot Owen! (Ellen Pompeo cries pretty).

Oh, Dr. Sexy Eyes is smart, not just a pretty face. He may have saved Derek's life.

Meanwhile, back with Dr. Bailey, Mandy Moore, and Dr. Shrek. He's dying. It's sad. It's gonna be one of those things where he dies right before the saviors (SWAT) come and say they are safe to be moved. I hate that. AND he is saying to find Dr. Pixie (Reed) and tell her that he had a crush on her and I am yelling to the screen that they will find each other in the light though she may be just as tasteless there. How do they get actors to be so pale, when they die? Do they airbrush them?

Aw man. Gary Clark has another victim. Meredith is having a miscarriage. Brutal. Kick us while we are down, why doncha, Shonda? (Then a commercial for the news in which they mention Brett Michaels who has been in the hospital for a brain hemorrhage. I thought he may have been another victim. But he just had a stroke. Dude. What where you doing in the 80's/90's?)

Here comes the gun law PSA. (And no I don't think people should be able to just go and buy a gun. I also think ammo should be harder to come by.)

Man, Webber is a sexy man. Seriously. And he is keeping to his AA promise. Good for you, Dr. Webber! NO! Don't drink it!! Pouring it out. Well played, sir.

At the beginning of the show, Derek said he wished someone would shove something down his throat so he could see the inside of an OR. I thought, be careful of what you wish for!

Oh gosh, how in love I am with Callie and Arizona. Yay! Just yay. That is a sweet relationship and I am glad it is staying together.

One last thing, in regards to Meredith's pregnancy. Is it just me, or did she forget to remove the sticker from the pregnancy test? It just looked like the pregnancy was a sticker. I dunno. Shows over. That was a hell of a ride. Good show. I will be back next season, simply based on this episode. Well played! (And they got rid of two characters I was not too fond of, so there's that, too.)

Men!

2010-05-18T00:58:00.002-04:00

Why is it that a man can sit still and allow his lady to give him a massage for six hours, but when it's his turn to give the massage, it turns into two shoulder squeezes, then full body contact commences in a non-massage-inal type of way.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) covered this issue well tonight. And they also handled the fact that when men don't want to do something that a woman is forcing them to do, they do it so poorly that the woman will never again ask them to complete that task.

Seriously, I think they hand out a book to men in grade school that teaches them how to get out of doing stuff.

Canon 5D Mark II

2010-05-17T23:30:00.004-04:00

They shot the season finale of House (Fox) with the Canon 5D Mark II. You can tell straight from the gorgeous opening close up shots. That camera does macro so beautifully. It is a DSLR (digital single lens reflex), which is not generally considered for use as a video camera, but this one shoots fabulously! See this short and the making of it.

The nice thing about this camera is that it is small and that you can change the lenses. But what stinks is that you need to have it connected to some sort of rigging to keep the picture steady.

Geez, the color and the lighting is so beautiful. The depth of field is fantastic. I am in love.

This is the camera I want. It is about $3K for just the body which is a lot for me, but pennies when you consider the budget of a television show like House. They should get me one since I am writing about them here. Or maybe Canon should give me one and I will make movies for them to show on their website. After all, I have always been a Nikon SLR girl. I have a D60 and N6006, but after doing research, I have firmly settled on the Canon. (You know, when I have loads of money someday.) You hear that Mr. Adachi? I'm a film student, on the precipice of greatness. You can be the one I thank at the Academy Awards ceremony in 2017. Or you, David Shore, you can be the one I allow to help me produce my super awesome TV show that I will tell you about after you give me this great gift of the camera.

Say cheese!

XOXO

2010-05-17T22:33:00.003-04:00

What is up with Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen)'s hair? Those are the worst extensions I have ever seen. They are like the pieces of lint that I yank forcibly from the dryer vent, or possibly whatever a long haired girl might have a plumber remove from her stopped up tub drain. Ew.

AND! the child is a sixteen year old actress playing a fifteen year old girl. What is going on with her boobs? They look like old cougar boobs, all squished up into her armpits. I don't get it. Are they fake? Is she heavily cutletted? Why the massive cleave on the tyke? She is truly the first young cougar I have ever seen.

What's with this show? These kids are all teenagers, yet they get carded less than I do. Yes, I realize Manhattan is a different world, but their parents seem to be free in the pouring of alcohol as well.

My niece is the same age as the Gossip Girl characters. She had better not be doing this stuff.

Auditions Premiere

2010-01-15T22:19:00.005-05:00

So it begins AGAIN! At the end of every season, I declare that I am not a huge American Idol fan. In 2009, my great friend Jen got tickets for us to see the AI concert with the howler monkey and Anoooooop at the Verizon Center in DC. I responded, when seeing the tickets, with less than enthusiasm. (Jen was very disappointed with me). We went to the concert and had the best time ever though I believe that has more to do with Jen than it does with the immense talent of the AI crew. Still, my interest in the karaoke show wanes once the top ten is declared. Weird, isn't it, that that is when I start to write about it? Hmm.

In any case, I am watching the season premiere of the show tonight. I don't even know how many seasons it has been. As soon as I see Simon, I am yanked back in. Why do I have such a thing for him? And now he is leaving after the season? What to do?

Victoria Beckham is a guest judge and I feel like she and I could be great friends. Leave me alone. I live happily in my own little world. I call it Bugville. It's major! I thought Ellen was supposed to host. I am not thrilled about this. She hosted So You Think You Can Dance and was not funny or even very interesting to me. I am hoping she proves me wrong and is wildly entertaining.

This one girl auditioned because she totally nails the AI Wii game. I blame Simon for her thinking that her video game success will relate to show success because in an interview about the game, he claims that the game will help. I hope lots of people audition because the Simon avatar was all "1,000,000 percent YES!" on the game.

I also think that Proactiv should sponsor this show. (The guy who made me think this likes Chris Brown because he believes that he touches young people all around the world. Touches. more like punches. What? Too soon?) He wants to touch America. I think Chris Hansen will be speaking to him in a few years.

What the heck is that Swatch that Randy is wearing? Are the 80's really really really making a comeback? If so, there are certain things I would like to ban from this renaissance. Pegged pants. LA Gear shoes (though they may be more 90's. I still don't want to see them ever again). Frosty pink lipstick. MC Hammer. And grown men with Swatches. No. To be fair, I had two and I wore them at the same time on the same wrist. Awesome.

Andrew is awesome. He looks like a serial killer and acts like one, too. (Save for the missing arm cast, van, and sofa that he needs helping loading into aforementioned van). He is upset about waiting. This whole industry is a hurry up and wait industry. Kara said he needs a spanking. I thought she did not like him and now she is threatening him with a good time? She confuses me sometimes.

(Ooh, Simon smirked. I LOVE YOUUUU.)

She is a dream girl

2009-12-10T00:12:00.003-05:00

Mercedes Jones, played by Amber Riley, sang "And I am Telling You" wayyyyyy better on Glee tonight than Jennifer Hudson did in Screamgirls. I think JenHud should give her Academy Award to Amber Riley. And then she should go away for ever.

See, Jennifer? You CAN sing without screaming! Yay.

Marketers need new drugs

2009-06-18T16:09:00.003-04:00

What is up with the commercials these days? Most specifically car and anti-depression medication ads. Ugh.

1. Volkswagon. I already have issues with your marketing people, due to the series of ads that basically stated that if you drive a VW you WILL get hit. Now, they have a fella drenched in oil who unsuccessfully changed the oil in his brand new and very expensive Mercedes. The VW rolls up to inform him that oil changes are free and Volkswagon. That's great! However, a guy who just shelled out $50k-100K for a car is not going to be too worried about the cost of an oil change.

2. Lexus IS convertible: Promoting illegal endeavors (so it seems) during a time of economic crisis in which the average person cannot afford this car unless they commit illegal endeavors. Nice way to get around the recession, Lexus. Hey, future IS owners, go steal something and you can get away in your new convertible! Yay!

3. Cymbalta. You make me depressed watching your damn commercial. Seriously! Who does this Cymbalta ad hurt. Everyone.

4. Pristiq. There is a creepy little wind up doll that sticks around, even when the person is on anti-depression meds, to remind them that depression is always watching. I think this commercial is scary. That doll is gonna get you. Not the message I want from my anti-depression drugs. There it is! Augh!

Doobie doobie doo Dance!

2009-06-16T23:40:00.005-04:00

I have successfully avoided watching "So You Think You Can Dance" until this season. Marci likes it and if Marci likes something, chances are I will too. So I DVR'd it.

I am in.

Holy smokes, these kids can move. Makes me think that I can move... until I get up and kick my leg up six inches from the floor and feel something unpleasant happen to my hamstring. I keep forgetting how old and unbendy I am. Still, I am wiggling along to the music while I watch, perhaps with some bizarre ingrained belief that I could dance like that if I just tried.

Oh, the bodies! I love all the muscle and the leanness and the flexibility. It is amazing what a body can do. Then they showed me Sean Kingston, off-tune possible offspring of Biz Markie. He is really fat, after seeing all these fit dancers bodies. Thanks for ruining my high.

I loveeeeddddd the Bollywood dance. I was exhausted just watching them. It was good to see Wade Robson's choreography. I loved the Crash Test Dummies dance.

So, I am in. Okay? And if I suddenly feel an urge to dance, grab my hand and join me!

RIP Grasshopper

2009-06-10T15:33:00.003-04:00

I was watching Mental (episode 3, Book of Judges) which starred David Carradine. It was such a sad role to watch, knowing that he is dead. He was in a sort of disassociative state in which in seemed to have no connection to the real world, choosing instead to live in a fantasy brought upon by a lightning strike that hit him and killed his wife.

I don't know where I am going with this, but it struck me as sad. This was supposed to be aired while he was filming a new movie in Thailand. Instead, they are trying to figure out the details of his death. Then there is the whole lightning aspect which makes me sad for the people who were struck and killed by lightning recently, like the 12 year old boy in Fredericksburg, VA last week.

It was a sad episode. And it ended kind of gross with Estella Warren coming to "take care of unfinished business" with the good doctor. I dunno. Seemed a little cliched to me.

Goody Chelsea

2009-05-21T17:36:00.004-04:00

Is Chelsea Handler being styled by the women from The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?

(sorry for the crappy quality of the pictures)

It's over

2009-05-21T00:07:00.001-04:00

Crap. Now what am I going to write about?

I rolled my eyes so many times they rolled into the back of my head.

2009-05-20T23:02:00.007-04:00

I was just going to have this be a one word entry with the word being either "Damn" or "Yay". But then we were exposed to the brutal murder of P!nk's "So What". Hearing Jasmine Murray singing tonight made me wonder how she got there in the first place. Then I thought for sure that Scott was either going to wildly flail himself off the stage, or be pushed.
Dean-Anthony Bradford... has the same singing technique as Adam. Seriously. Lil Rounds was watching the camera so hard and did not start performing until she was sure it was on. That sucks for some reason.

Hey, it's Jason Mraz. I sang one of his songs with a band last night. I forgot all of the words. I could only wooo along. I have new respect for singers. I am going to crash their show again next week and attempt to sing a Paramore song. Hope I can recall the words. It was my first public singing (that no one could hear - whatever, I still sang in public).

Oh, someone got her boobs done. When Ryan said she ought to go out there and perform, I really expected to see a stripper pole descend from the rafters. Kara schooled bikini girl and showed she has an equally hot body. (The subsequent attempts at closing her dress were an added level of hilarity, especially when paired with the bitchy sidelong glances Katrina gave her).

Damn, Cyndi Lauper looks fabulous. She makes me want to go platinum again. She and Allison were great together. I have the words to "Time After Time" taped on the inside of the closet doors in my childhood bedroom. They are at bellybutton level which I assume was my eye level at the time of their taping.

Based on the last Ford commercial, Kris is a way better singer than Adam.

Oh yay! Crazy is back!!! Oh, she was not that entertaining.

The finale song was great. I liked them singing Queen. I even could listen to Adam singing for a second.

Well, here goes....

YAY!

It's almost over. Yay. a

2009-05-20T02:13:00.004-04:00

I am so over this season. It has taken me until tonight to watch last weeks shows. I can't figure out why people like Adam Lambert. His screeching is not talent. We got over the hair band sound in the 90's. I hate the timbre of his voice. Ech. And he will probably win. Strangely, all week there has been no info about who was booted, but I am thinking Gokey is gone. Oh, who cares. If Adam Lambert is an American Idol, then I am no longer a fan. His screeching is not fantastic, nor is it talent. It's just screeching. Dis.Like.

I am now watching the Wed's show and I see my new favorite person, Bill Hader. HADER!!! Oh, there is Jonah Hill. I saw you singing "Waterfalls" in Koreatown in LA. Dawg, YOU were pitchy. Oh. fast forward. Having a nine year old flick his groin at me is not pleasant. There have to be better was of promoting donations to third world countries.

I feel like Adam Lambert would become a major douchebag if given fame. And is it me, but is Katy Perry as annoying as Adam Lambert will be next year?

Okay, Kris is in. But you all know this already. Please let him win the whole thing!

Hey Danny, I think you have a career if you want it. Just go get it.

Okay, now I am watching this Tuesday's episode. I have to listen to the howler monkey and the monchichi.

Adam is resinging Mad World. He doesn't connect with the song for me, but neither does the audience and that's why they love him. I don't get it. They love him singing it, but he does not sing with the sadness of someone who would sing those words. They love this presentation of the song, but it is not his. This version belongs to the Donny Darko people. And, yes, they mastered it. He kind of sucks for stealing their version.

Kris sang Bill Withers. He made it his own. That way beats Adam. Okay, Kris still is a bit of "that guy" for me, but I wayyyyy prefer him to the male Jennifer Hudson. Please, I don't want to see Adam's tongue anymore. I think the microphone agrees with me. (I think American Idol producers owe him a lot of money).

Oh look, I just spotted Katie Holmes and her child with L. Ron Hubbard, Suri.

Okay, seriously. In regards to popular music, Kris Allen is far more likely to appeal to a wider group of people. Adam Lambert only appeals to ex-hair band fans and those who would have like the hair bands, but were too young or too old.

Blech. Can't listen anymore. Bedtime. But, I veto Adam. Yucky. No!

AMERICAN IDOL CROWNED TOMORROW.

These genes are tight

2009-05-15T17:19:00.003-04:00

I really wonder what casting people are thinking sometimes when they cast younger versions of their stars. On Gossip Girl, they decided to cast Brittany Snow as the teenage Lily van der Woodsen. That's great and Brittany was great, however, unless Lily now wears colored contacts, they missed a rather vital part of Kelly Rutherford's face. She has brown (or hazel) eyes and Brittany's eyes are unmistakeably blue.

Meanwhile, over on Lost, the casting agents went back in time and found the actual kid forms of Evangeline Lilly, Michael Emerson, and Josh Holloway. It's striking.

On a related note, casting agents of 90210, thank you for casting a girl that could soooo be the child of Rob Estes and Lori Loughlin.

It's a boys club

2009-05-06T23:02:00.003-04:00

Paula performed tonight. I feel like we got a glimpse into Britney's future. Paula did a great job lipsyncing, I guess. They did the whole song basically in the dark. But her dancers did gamely hold the mic stand for her. Then at the end, they turned her mic on so she could wheeze "Gentlemen, I'm just here for the music!" into it. (To be fair, she really did not seem out of breath, but her mic was right under her nose and made sounds everytime she took a breath). I want to be so much funnier with this, but I am still suffering from the indignities of having ridden my bicycle home from work in the rain and not only having to huff and puff my way up The Hill (not the Capitol one), but also having a wet bum. So do me a favor and imagine this being way funnier.

Oh, ew. Paula has the Tori Spelling cleaved chest. And No Doubt is back together and announces with a frightening performance of a really old song? When she came down the stairs, Gwen reminded me of the spider walk from The Exorcist. And why is she doing pushups? Is this show a tribute to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past which is a modern day Scrooged which was a modern (then) version of A Christmas Carol. Ghosts of performers past (No Doubt); Ghosts of performers future (Paula as Britney); um, and the final idol contestants as present? I dunno. This show is weird.

Nest week, the remaining kids get to go home and be celebrated. They showed some of the past contestants doing this and I did not recognize a bunch of them. If they are so great, why have they not done something with their careers? Hmmm? HMMMM? I am ornery again. Hmm.

First to be safe: pleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdampleasedon'tbeAdam
Yay! Kris is safe. Little monkey face. Who is that guy his wife is hugging?

Damn. I forgot to mutter "pleasedon'tbeAdam" and now he is safe. Crap.

I always find the songs they sing as their swan song appropriate. Cry, Baby.
Allison will do fine. My boss loves her.

need new eardrums

2009-05-06T13:46:00.003-04:00

Oh goodie. Rock week. This means the howler monkey will be in his element and I will be subjected to a swarmy screechy song. And he did not let me down. I think that the set is falling apart because his shrill voice is shattering glass and shredding the wires holding it in place. I am glad this show is almost over. (So why do I still watch? I am here to entertain YOU).

Allison should have sung Bobby McGee. I love that song. Cry Baby was boring.

I like the duet, but when they started hitting the song, they had a difficult time with staying in tune. But Kris and Danny sound great together.

I liked Kris' song. I am not much of a Beatles fan. I am also not on the same page as Kara. I thought he made a fairly repetitive song interesting without being shrieky.

Oh, man. Danny is now shrieking at me. Not as annoying as Adam, but damn near close. What is going on? Ugh. I bet they love him. Well, they seem to love screeching.

Allison/Adam duet. Screech/growl... Judges on feet...sigh.

Dunno who is going home. Everyone in bottom 3 except Howler Monkey.

Recaparooni

2009-04-30T09:23:00.001-04:00

I decided to try something new last night while watching American Idol. Instead of writing my commentary while I watch the show, I just watched the show and am now writing about it from Panera while I get my car inspected. I would like to say that this is my way of staying interesting in my writing or something equally as clever, but the truth is that I was simply too lazy to get off the couch and retrieve the computer.

I don’t get some people’s popularity. Yeah, I thought he was great in Ray, but that’s it. We all know my feelings about Scream Girls, and that dislike is not held only for the former AI contestant. It belongs to everyone involved (save for the geniuses with whom I may someday work). I don’t like Jamie Foxx’s singing, or his personality or his upper lip/teeth combo. It’s weird. I also don’t think he was singing live, but now I am just becoming ornery.

Another truth to be told, I really don’t think any one of the contestants of this year’s show is going to make an impact on the American collective. They all end up on Broadway anyway, ADAM. (Spamalot – Clay Aiken, Rent – Frenchie, Grease – Taylor Hicks). Speaking of Taylor, well, I have nothing to say, I fast forwarded through all three performances.

Could it be!?!? Oh glory day, Adam was bottom three. Then bottom two. I sat, clutching the yellow couch pillows and an orange cat and prayed and hoped. I was careful to not hope too hard lest the karmic spirits be against me, and lo, they were. Sloth was sent home and the screecher stayed. Dang. BUT America! You have the right idea!

I love standards!

2009-04-28T23:51:00.003-04:00

I was going to write this in iambic pentameter, but then realized I am not certain I have a grasp on that at all. Then I was just going to make it all rhyme, but what rhymes with idol? (sidle, bridle, Katherine Heigl, midol). Ooh...

I am watching American Idol.
singers make me cramp, need some Midol...
Won't someone put a bridle
on Katherine Heigl?

Well, that is a taste of what you would have gotten.
By the way, I am kidding Katherine (I am terrified of her). Jamie Foxx? Why did he name himself that? His real name is Eric Marlon Bishop. I was walking up the stairs at a karaoke place in LA once and had already been elbowed to the head by an unsuspecting Jerome Bettis and thusly managed to pour cheap red wine (whine) all over my pink Supergirl shirt with the glittery "S", thereby looking a mess, and possibly the victim of gunfire? I ran into a thugly looking Jamie Foxx on the stairs who snarled at me as I passed him with my sweet little smile. I therefore veto you, ERIC. And pledge to from this point on, call you Eric.

Kris Allen (That Guy) doesn't want to sing the throat olympics, according to Eric. I think that is a different kind of contest, dude. Not one for primetime television on a network show! (Though if on any network, it would be Fox). What did he sing again? He is back to being that guy. (Lower case because I am so bored). The child has a nice voice, and he sings well, but he is soooooo unremarkable. When commercials come right after he sang, he makes me forget what show I am watching.

I like Paula's necklace.

Allison put some black streaks into her hair. Yay. Maybe if she stays in, she can get to the point where all of her hair is dark. (I am an old fogey). I love "Someone to watch over me". She couldn't be singing this song any slower. I almost choked on the peanut from my M&M when she sang "put on some speed". Still, the contest is (or should be) between her and that screechy guy.

They just showed a Ford commercial. No where in it was an Idol contestant. Why does Ford insist on filming commercials with these people if they never use them? Are the commercials being aired in Asia? I just saw an ad for the new Fox show "Glee" some woman was screaming. I did not know that Jennifer Hudson was doing television.

Sloth is really embracing Obama's view of Cuba. I was so busy looking up US/Cuban relations that I did not really hear how he sang. I am sure he did lots of riffs and falsetto runs and was okay.

Wow, Danny Gokey is on board with the Cubans, too! (Are they having the Best Week Ever!?!) Danny does not like it when Eric "gets up in his grill". This is a great song and genre for Danny. I think he will be top three along with Allison and pizza face. (Yeah, I said it. Whatchu gonna do?). I don't see him winning, but he otter come close. He was fabulous tonight. He looked the part, too. I think he reads my blog and is now making hearts with his fingers instead of flashing numbers. Jordin did that and she won.

Here it comes! The best part of the evening. (Just kidding. The best part is when the show is over. This is the part where I wish I had acid with which to wash my eyes and ears out.) I wish that the Shrieker could sing once without shrieking. But I guess he would lose his whole identity then. When the song started it sounded like Supertramp's The Logical Song. I was all... "when I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful". Then he started singing some altogether different. I feel askew. He is feeling Could. Seriously. He sang that he was feeling could. He sounds off pitch to me. Could the golden child be off? (Ech, he grosses me out when he is onstage. I cannot place why.)

Ha! Kara just said he is confusing and sleazy. That's it! That's why he grosses me out (though she meant it in a positive way).

Bottom two, Kris and Sloth.
Sloth is going home.

Bye Anoop

2009-04-23T00:48:00.003-04:00

So I was at work tonight and instead of being behind the dead, dead bar, I was in the hot, hot office with my manager who just discovered Allison and loves her because she comes from Spanish speaking places like him and doesn't that make her so great and talented? It was 9:05 pm and we were trying to figure out who had been booted from the show, but no one had posted it yet and so I am here in front of my telly at 12:50 am, having to watch the show to find out. I am certain I was right last night, but let's see.

We have to watch the asthmatic monchichi sing tonight. I may just fast-forward through that though.

Paula is gonna choreograph the group song. Thank God!! Maybe the group song will finally not suck. Say what you will about her, but she is a great dancer. But these kids cannot move. Let's see how they do... They are lipsyncing. What the frack? Well, they are not the most cohesive group. Wow. The only one who can dance is Sloth. The rest, well, they give me hope that one day I can follow simple musical theatre choreography. Still, Paula looks like a proud stage mother. Sing out Louise!

I am disappointed in Lil. I really thought she had what it took to win, but every week she has disappointed. This just reinforces that you have to know your audience. Very few people can start off their careers doing just what they want to do. Reassess, Lil. Maybe we will see you later. (I don't think we will. Sorry). Best wishes!

It is funny to see the girl judge reactions. They hold their arms out waiting for the camera light to go red and then they REACT!

Who is this woman singing? Whoever she is, she is a poster child for arm exercises. Damn, Woman. Your arms are Fabooo!

Thelma Houston? Why is your dress so short? Yeah, Paula and Simon are definitely doing it. Thelma sang to Simon and he and Paula were gazing into each others eyes with arms wrapped around one another.

Why does KC sunshine band get four chicks to dance around him? He is one Whopper short of a coronary. Oh, maybe THAT'S why! He has loads of money and may drop soon.

Dammit, Adam. I think I could like him as a person, so long as I never ever had to watch him perform.

Um, Archie, I am glad you did not win. But them were some awesome words you said tho the two in the bottom two. By the way, wow. Allison is bottom three? Wow. I really have no idea who is gonna win the whole thing. But I do know that it is Anoop that is going home tonight. Bye, Noopster. I still adore ya.

I am kind of glad two of them are leaving

2009-04-21T23:52:00.003-04:00

We are dealing with the double send home this week. Simon is looking swell is his dad's old Hanes undershirt. Seriously, does this man not have a stylist? Or is his stylist wasted. Omigosh, is Paula his stylist?

I bet that Lil could sit for hours! I again, am underwhelmed by her performance. It had energy, but thats it. I can't understand why she is not as great as I felt like she could be. I guess sometimes you can be talented and still lack the ability to be a performer. But, um, swell new wig. Why was Paula with Lil yesterday? I'm with Simon, we are kicking Lil to the curb this week. Hey, this is disco weeek. Is Chaka Khan disco? I call foul.

Little monkey boy is up, aka That Guy. He has a bit of monchichi to him, but no where near what David Archuleta had. That boy is a monchichi come to life with a raspy voice. That Guy can count!! Good for you. Smarter than all the rest! Woo! Kid is original, have to give him that. Even if he borrowed one of Simon's dad's shirts this week. They must have had a sale at Wal-Mart. You know, this kid could win. The judges like it, though Simon flipped him off, I think. Seriously. I think I can see Simon's nipples, too.

Randy just said that they are looking for the best undiscovered talent. Then why do they keep allowing people onto the show who have had record deals?

Oh no, Danny starts his song off with WOO! That's a buzz kill for me. You know, no one ever considers the back-up singers, but they have to learn these songs (all of them) in a short time. They are pretty fabulous (though they don't always sound super awesome, they always are great).

I liked this song from Danny Gokey. And he should just win because he made a heart with his hands and I love that.

The song Allison chose is boooring and yet she still stands out. The kid has some talent and I don't mean just a little. She otter win the whole thing.

Ugh, here comes the DB, still embracing his kd Lang look. Can't he figure out another look? I can't look directly at him. He is my Medusa. I will turn to puke. Maybe he is Liberace reincarnated. Yeah, he still blows. I can't take his voice. Yucky yucky yucky. Nononononono. I think he is going to be a fatty in a few years. FAT. Then his lover Clay Aiken will kick him outta bed. Paula says she has never questioned her visceral response to him. I question mine. I have never reacted that way to someone. But I think Paula wants to give it to him. She was raising a ring-bedecked finger at him, akin to the witch in Hansel and Gretel. Push her in the fire! Save yourself!!

Here comes Sloth with Stayin' Alive. Great song choice as people keep comparing him to Justin T-Lake who plays a BeeGee on SNL. And the song is appropo in regards to his still being on the show. Dude is staying alive. (for now). I liked it, but I like him. Whoa, I think Paula is in heat.

Anoop. Noop. snore. Yawn. Bah. I suppose now is time to bid you adeiu. You and Lil can slink off to prepare for the concert this summer. I am sad. I love Anoop, but I never had any ideas of his winning the show.

I wish this show were over. Wish granted! Tada! Yay. See ya'll tomorrow!

Bottom Three:
Anoop, Lil, Sloth

Going home: Lil and Anoop

S3X

2009-04-20T01:52:00.007-04:00

The episode from 4/19/09 was goooood. Sarah is in heat and finds a gorgeous new fella in her office that strikes her fancy. So hot. I especially love how mid-sauciness, she gets him to sign a form that states the act that was about to happen was completely consensual. After the event, Sarah pops over to Kevin's house all mussed up (Good job hair people), where she interrupts a super charged moment between Kevin and his husband who open the door (literally) to a threesome. Sarah's appearance at the door does no favors for anyone, but it does allow for Kevin and Scotty to later discuss their marital plans. Meanwhile Kitty and her husband are having nothing but trouble. She is finding it easier to confide in a single father friend, than addressing the issue with her husband. Robert sees the issue, and contemplates when he lost her. I appreciate this whole exchange because it demonstrates that you always know when something is wrong in your relationship. If you don't, it is because you are choosing not to see it. I also appreciate that she won't deal with it. The whole issue is realistic and I am curious how they will get through it.

This whole episode was charged, hence the title. But I also liked how Justin took Rebecca up to the canyons and apologized to her for what he had done wrong, but then left her to sort through it herself, versus forcing her to deal with that situation right away. Personally, I need time to sort through my feelings. If I am forced to react, I never go with the right reaction.

I like this show, but I like shows about relationships. I want Kevin and Scotty to stay together and not do stupid things. I want Sarah to have wild encounters. I want Kitty and Robert to figure it out. I want them to drop the ego and address the problem. I am not sure how I feel about Nora and that guy, but it makes me happy, too. I know it is a TV show, but when things work out on the screen, I have bigger hopes of things working out for me. Enough with the bad behavior in relationships already.

Did you know that Laura Innes (Dr. Weaver, ER) directed this episode? She is directing? Good for her. I think she is great.

Amy Poehler

2009-04-20T01:39:00.003-04:00

I watched the SNL show of Amy's work that aired this weekend. I always thought she was funny, but I did not realize HOW funny, not to mention clever and awesome she is until I saw a bunch of her skits all in a row. My favorite is Caitlin and her uncle Rick, Rick, Rick! She is hysterical as the hyper spastic child who speaks like what we used to call "Orange Grove People". (Don't ask. It was on a set of a movie in which we sat around in the stands for hours doing absolutely nothing and we came up with the fantastical OGP who spoke like Caitlin and we spoke like that for hours).
Seriously, her talents are being wasted on her new show Parks and Recreation. I am not sold on it yet. She plays a character that differs from "Michael Scott" on The Office only by gender and job. It is uninteresting. Tina Fey plays a similar type character on 30 Rock in that she is a boss, she is insecure and a little weird. But Liz Lemon is interesting because she knows she is not cool. She does not really try to be. That is the main difference, I think, between her and Michael and Leslie Knope.
Leslie makes me uncomfortable and I can't really relate to her. I can relate to Liz Lemon. I wish that Amy would have developed a more complex character. 'Cause damn, the girl is funny, and awesome and deserving of a far better vehicle than the P&R crap.

I think I am cranky this morning

2009-04-16T12:35:00.002-04:00

Dang it, I am finding that I like Adam Lambert as a person. I just can't stand him performing. And now they bring on Jennifer Hudson. Hopefully it is for her to return her Academy Award and apologize for screaming at me in that awful movie.

She is weird in her performance. It's like she is out of breath and she keeps looking around like she is waiting for someone she needs to smack to come up to her. (Is she looking for Simon?) And there it is. She is shrieking at me again. She looks confused and sounds kind of pitchy, dawg.

I wonder if their ear pieces are not working because Miley sounds off tune, too. Maybe that is why Jennifer was looking irritated and fiddling with her ear. I did not realize how nasally Miley sings. She looks absolutely adorable. Her weird herky-jerky chicken dancing is not just demonstrated during her fast songs. Somehow she manages to dance that way to her ballady songs, too. It is funny to see a dolled up sixteen year old head bang to a slowish song.

Matt is voted off. Will they use the save? I feel like they might. They do. Sloth gets to stay. I wonder how this override of the public opinion will affect him and how people vote for him.

So ballad you could make it*

2009-04-15T02:37:00.004-04:00

I just realized that I have written about AI 22 times. That does not include the times I wrote about this show on my other blog. I am a bit of a loser.

They are using Quentin Tarantino as mentor this week and they called him an icon (or something like that). He may have made (help make?) two of my favorite films: Reservoir Dogs and Four Rooms. He is still an ultimate nerd. They are going to sing songs from films. Hmmm. Whatever will they sing?

I feel like Anoop is leaving us this week. I am sad. I don't see him as THE winner, but I do like him. Allison is up first and she sings Aerosmith "Don't wanna miss a thing". I hate this song. It is so boring. She has such a great thing going for her and manages to keep me interested even when she is just kind of whispering the song. She has talent. She also has stage presence. I am only worried with her raspiness that she may destroy her singing ability. But she is great.

NOOOP!! He nailed the.most.boring.song.ever! Quentin was right in him needing to nail the harsh words in that song to capture the emotion and it was good! Yay.

Adam "DB" Lambert is up. They say they like his versions. Um, they are other people's versions that he appropriates. He can suck my arse. He is not creative. He just takes other people's creative visions as his own. He is the Madonna of AI. But heck, look how far it took her. Still dislike him. He abused the heck out of my ears with that crappy falsetto tonight. Nononononononononononononononononono.

Matt Giraud. Another Canadian prime minister song. He did this beautifully, or would have had he sang it more simply. His riffs put him off tune at times and took away from the beautiful melody. I like Sloth, but I feel like he could simplify. But at least his falsetto does not put me in a coma, Adam.

Danny Gokey sings Endless Love like he is just learning it. He ended it really well, but the beginning seemed off to me. He was coming in on notes badly, not quite sure where it was supposed to be. Once he got into it, though, it got really good.

Crap, I am going to have to learn That Guy's name. He is singing Falling Slowly from Once. I want to sing his harmony on this one. Dang. I love this song. I think I want to not know him because of the weird things he does with his mouth. Crapitty Crap. I like Kris. Dangly dang. I like what he did with the song.

Last but maybe not least is Lil. I like her and I had such high hopes for her, but I think she may be in over her head within this competition. Well, let's see what she does. Man, they are all ballady. Ugh. She keeps warping her notes and sounds like she was left out in the sun. Lil is becoming a mannequin for her wigs. I think she is going home. This is awful to me.

I am now officially a Tarantino fan. He seems like he would be fun to work with.

Bottom three: Lil, Sloth and Anoop. (Though I think Anoop should be replaced by Danny)

Lil Rounds is going home.

*Worst title ever. I was trying to do a play on words as in so glad you could make it... Sigh.

SNL

2009-04-15T02:28:00.002-04:00

I think the Gilly skit on SNL is stupid. I would like them to stop doing it. Does anyone think it is funny? They are wasting Kristin Wiig's talent. Bah.
I did think that Zac Efron was fantastic AND Michaela Watkins as the blogger from bitchpleeze.com freakin' made me explode from laughter. When she said "more like Zac what the Eff is wrong" and then he came out and she did a spit take and spilled her iced coffee all over Seth Meyer. I died from laughter and then watched that scene over and over again. Comedic brilliance. J'adore, Michaela!

Take one down, 7 idols left.

2009-04-09T02:01:00.005-04:00

I forgot to guess who was gonna leave. Um, bottom three: Scott, Lil, Danny. Scott is going home. If he doesn't, then the people are voting for the wrong reasons in a singing competition.

I am gonna go ahead and speed through most of this episode because they have Kelly Pickler and Flo Rida performing.

Are Paula and Simon doing it? Because they keep touching and looking at each other. Plus, they are very sassy to each other.

Is that Frankie Avalon? He looks phenomenal. And still sounds great. How old is he? He is almost 70. People are aging well.

What the hell? Was Lil lost? Did she blow the opening of the group song? They sound horrendous! Still hate the group song. Oh, and maybe that guy might be in the bottom three. Based on the group song, I would kick them all out and start all over.

AI contestants have been doing Ford commercials for years and I have yet to see one televised outside of AI. Heck, Scott does an amazing Simon impression. I would have thought that Adam would have been a better actor, but he looked stiff to me and I don't recall seeing Anoop in the commercial at all. (I do like that Adam seems gracious).

Oh man, is Anoop going to the bottom three? :( Maybe it is That Guy that will wind up there. But we all know that Adam ain't leaving. Aw, Anoop! Noooo. The Indian/American boys are having a rough week. Kutner (Kal Penn) committed suicide on House this week. Now they put my precious Anoop Dawg in the bottom three? Heavens to Murgatroid.

They just showed a Ford commercial and it was not an AI one!!

Okay, I was wrong with Danny in the bottom three. It is Anoop. But I still think that it is Scott going home, and no. They won't save him.

Kelly Pickler does not sound that great either... But I think Simon may have suddenly discovered her talent.

Well, it is Scott. And to save himself he sings "How can I convince you that what you see is real". Sorry, hon. You seem like a really nice kid. But it is time for you to head home. G'night! (And good luck).

Thank you America!

Dang

2009-04-09T00:59:00.004-04:00

The baby pictures are always cute, though I remember thinking that David Cook looked exactly the same. Ryan Seacrest was a goofy looking kid, but dang if Randy was not adorable!!

I love this episode for the baby photos, but hate it for the fact that it makes me feel old. I remember the songs they sing that are from their birth year. AND the oldest kid is Danny Gokey, born in 1980! 80!?! I was seven. Ack.

He is singing Stand by Me and that was my first R rated movie that I saw in the movie theatre. I think I was 12 or 13. I can see Danny as a high school history teacher. Yawn. This song sucks. He is okay, but this is boring to me. These are some top songs of 1980, any of which would have been better. Apparently, I am the only one who was totally underwhelmed by it.

That guy is up. I don't think he is gonna have a full head of hair for much longer (sorry). He is mobbed by high clappers. Crap, I kind of like his version of a song I don't really like. Dang, I am starting to like him. Am I gonna have to learn his name? I even like that he is performing in the midst of all them chicks. Hmm, I am on a different path than the judges. They like those I hate and hate those I like (of all of the two that have performed thus far).

How many wigs does Lil own? I want to like this, but I am getting a weird vibe from Lil's version of Tina Turner. It is rather pageanty (oh my, am I channelling Simon?). I don't think she is gonna win anymore. I wonder what she is missing. Wow, the judges finally agree with me!

Anoop! So cute. But what is he gonna do to True Colors? Well, he miss-sang the lyrics, singing the darkness inside you can make you feel so strong, instead of small. That kind of changes the meaning of the song. The darkness making you feel strong is more of an anthem for sociopaths. I loved this song when it was on the radio when I was little. I used to record it and transcribe the words. Those words are still taped to the inside of the closet door in what used to be my room at my mom's house. Well, he sang it prettily and made it his own. I love him.

I dunno, maybe I am tired. I am not feeling any of these performances. I am kind of loving Simon for telling Anoop to not apologize for reacting to a criticism.

There is a blonde girl in a Kohl's commercial. (Takes place in a salon and they talk about Dana Buchman). Super cute. Look for her. I bet she gets a ton of work in the near future.

Ugh, it's Scott. I can't take him anymore. Wow, is he wearing mascara? Why is he still here? Blech. (He seems nice enough, but he sucks as a singer). Ha! He started to say he is versatile and they cut him off with the AI music. Ha!! Because he is not!

Allison is way cuter with dark hair. Oh no. Even Bonnie Raitt had a hard time making this song be awesome. Crap, I like Allison's voice in this. Wow. "I can't make you love me" would be a great song to be kicked out with. But she is going nowhere, because that was fabulous! Dang. Her voice is great for that.

Sloth! He sure likes his jeans snug. He does not quite bear the physique to justify his predilection. This was good. I feel like he tried to do too much with it. Had he simplified just a wee bit, it would have been fantastic.

It is a good thing that I recorded Fringe, or else I would have missed Adam Lambert. Well, I don't suppose I would have been too fraught by it. But here it is. Lucky me. (Though I think he might do well with singing Queen. Wonder if he will tackle that in this show's run).

Why are they showing ads for "Chicago" with images of the original cast?

Randy can't button his shirt, but he makes fun of the kids for the finger waving, too. I am liking him more and more.

Adam Lambert liked to wear capes and not play sports. Hmmm, would never have guessed (though I was a drama nerd, too). He is tackling a fabulous song. His girlish voice is sucky. This song can't be redone (again, I mean. The Donnie Darko version is beyond amazing.) This guy is a schmuck. I hate his version. I don't like his falsetto. Go listen to this version and see why. The song is haunting, not creepy. Adam Lambert is grody. Bah. Gary Jules liked Adam's version. Do the boys from Tears from Fears like it too? Am I alone in my distaste for Adam?

Go rent Donnie Darko! That is a fantastic movie!

End of an ERa

2009-04-02T23:03:00.005-04:00

I think I have watched every episode of ER. Back in the first couple of seasons, every single episode brought me to tears. Watching Dr. Carter fumble his way through his internship, while helping an old man lose his longtime spouse; or attempting to talk a transgender man (to woman) off of the roof (she plunged to her death and I wept along with John Carter) made this a show that was poignant and compelling. Who wouldn't love the playboy pediatrician in Doug Ross? I remember an episode were he near lost his mind on a parent who was abusing his kid. Who does not want to see that passion and that protectiveness of a child (by a sexy man)?

My friends used to come over every Thursday night to make dinner and watch the show. My sister made this the one show she watched (though my brother had a knack for calling right as the show started). We all gathered together to watch Susan Lewis's departure and were really sad. It did not seem right to lose her. In the meantime, we have lost everyone save for Nurse Haleh. Some people came back again, but mostly it seemed like a hospital would be, with occasional changes in staff. I was sad at the loss of characters that I had come to love but the stories were so well written that I believed in every new character and I wanted to know their lives.

We even had actor changes for some characters. Mark Greene's daughter, one a raven haired cutie (whose sister was on the Nanny and now on Californication) became a curly haired blonde girl. Strangely, the first actress looked like the woman who played her mother while the second looked more like her new stepmother, Elizabeth Corday. Sam Taggert traded her son in for a new model, too.

Another thing I noticed a long time ago was that Frank, who is now their desk guy, had been a cop. He was married to the nurse Lydia (or dated her or something). But they never addressed that once he started working in the ER. I can't seem to find proof of this though, so I may be wrong. But I really have the two of them together in my memory. Prove me right or wrong if you can, please.

The cinematography was incredible for the time. It was gritty, bumpy and realistic. They moved so quickly and you never knew which way the camera would veer off. Everything moved quickly. It was easy to believe you were really in the ER. I think it was the first time they used long steady-cam shots on television. They never stopped to explain what they were doing which is why I learned a flippin' boatload from this show. I used to tape it and watch it with my finger on the pause button so that I could look up what the heck they were talking about in my medical dictionary. I got so versed that when I took a practice MCAT for fun, I did extremely well.

Oh, and the cast. The beautiful cast. George Clooney upending the world with that Caesar haircut. The sweet cuteness of Noah Wiley. A former nerd being The Man in the hospital. Sherry Stringfield and Maura Tierney were so cool to me (and I could go on and on about Linda Cardellini and Parminder Nagra and others). Even Goran Visnjic who was not sexy to me at all in "Practical Magic" was super sexy as Luka Kovac. Maybe I like the scrubs. Mmmm.

The triumphs and tragedies that the characters faced were so deep that I felt like they happened to friends. Yes, I am a crazy TV watcher, but even I turn the TV off and stop thinking about characters. Still, this show affected me. I can't imagine how the loss of Michael Crichton in 2008 affected the cast and crew. But I can say that the loss of Mark Greene saddened me.

My favorite character was Susan Lewis. I loved her. She didn't tolerate any crap. One of my favorite episodes included some guy who was being rude to her. He was on a bed in curtains, lying on his stomach. She told him she was taking his temperature, but then stuck a sunflower in his bum and opened the curtain for all to see. Ha!

Do you guys remember when Dr. Carter was shocked by Chen and her accidental application of the defibrillator paddles? Or the twelve seconds that Maria Bello was on the show, and how she just disappeared without warning? Or how annoying Mariska Hargitay's character was on the show yet how cool and sexy she really seems to be? What about the guy who saved the turkey from being killed for Thanksgiving only to be attacked by it. He broke its neck and went to the ER for stitches and Tag was in an exam room plucking it for dinner. Feathers everywhere!!!

This would not be a retrospective without Dr. "Rocket" Romano. Marci and I met him in New Jersey and he could not have been a nicer, more soft-spoken person. But what a character on the show. And how gross was the attack on him by the helicopter, twice!?! I must have rewound that and watched a million times.

It is weird to think that our portal into an emergency room is closing. I am really sad. And once again, the show brought me to tears. This time in the first few moments of the retrospective, and the tears never stopped.

Thank you.

Is there life on Mars?

2009-04-02T01:12:00.002-04:00

This will ruin the last show for you if you have not seen it, so go watch the show first and then come back to read this.

Wow. That was not what I had expected at all. So his "family" is really the people at the 1.2.5. I like how the little things came together, like why Windy kept calling Sam 2B. I guess I did not expect the title of the show to be literal. The Obama girl president thing was a bit hokey for my taste, but I like the turn of events. The weird little robots were the computer glitches? I dunno.

Well, I respect the fact that they completed the story. I always was proud of Twin Peaks for not extending just because the show was popular.

So, all in all... the ending was a bit cheesy, but it worked and I am mostly okay with it. It does not compare to the clever writings of the whole show and it felt a bit contrived, like they were attempting to quickly explain everything. Still, they managed to complete it and that is wayyy better than how Journeyman ended. (Why was he jumping all over time?).

Good show.

Happy, oh happy... The end, the end, the end*

2009-04-01T23:56:00.005-04:00

When I first started watching this show, I was not certain how I would possibly feel about it. The premise is so crazy. How would they ever explain it? I also was not sure how I felt about Jason O'Mara. The only place I had really seen him was as a creepy sociopath that haunted Kyra Sedgwick's Brenda Lee Johnson on "The Closer". I did not like him then.

But I watched Life on Mars. I dutifully sat before my telly on the big yellow sofa to see what shenanigans Sam Tyler would get up to in his adopted time of 1973. And I loved every second of it. This is a brilliant show. Well thought out, written, acted and directed.

Tonight is the series finale. While I am glad the show is not being dragged through some ludicrous oblivion because it is on wayyyyy too long, I am sad that it is over so quickly. I loved the setting of 1973. It was tangible to me. I felt like I truly saw what it was like to be a cop in 1973, to be alive in that era.

I loved Gretchen Mol's feminist cop. I wanted to tell her, you won't have to wait long to be a cop, babe. But thank you for fighting your way through the male bullshit to get to do what you want to do. (Though we could go on and on about how male driven our society is TODAY, but another time).

I loved the lack of political correctness. I feel like it started as a great idea to be more cognizant of people's feelings, which, as usual, got out of hand and now people get worked up about the most ridiculous things. Honestly, if you don't like what someone says, tell 'em to shut up, or walk away.

I loved the story lines. New York was seedy, and interesting. The people were in a creative time, looking to understand the war, and the way of the world, while dabbling in free love and drugs. Fascinating. Can you imagine these behaviors today? (Well, the free love, anyway).

The story line of Sam and his family was great, too. I can't imagine what I would do in his place, but I imagine I would sit my little self down and say things like study harder and blah blah blah. And I would give myself cool names like Cyndi Lauper and (geez all the names coming to mind are belonging to people who were already famous in 1973)... I love the tie-in with 2008 and 1973. It is fun to see Sam Tyler yelling at a police det. who is going to see Soylent Green and who happened to have pissed Sam off that soylent green is people. Ha!

I wonder if he will go back to the future? If he doesn't, will he simply have ceased to exist in that time? Or, will he have existed up until he went back in time, and now will die in a coma? Will he go back to the future and find Annie there? How do you go back to normal after this experience? And why did he go back in time anyway?

Well, it is time. I am going to sit down and watch Harvey Keitel, Gretchen Mol, Michael Imperioli and Jason O'Mara end a really great show. Tomorrow more tears will come at the ending of er. I saw every episode of that show.

*Innocence Mission - "Happy, The End"

Minor recap from someone else's recap

2009-04-01T23:51:00.003-04:00

Stupid rassin' frassin' DVR did not tape the result show. I missed some spectacular group song, I am sure of it.

Here is a pretty good assessment of what I missed. I love this blogger if for nothing else, this: "And Adam, you just made me stop believing. Please stop tonguing the microphone when you fake sing. Ew. "

Oh, and Megan goes. Thank goodness. It is kind of bitchy of Simon to not let her sing to be saved, but at the same time... what's the point? She sucks.

This one is dedicated to Mary.

2009-04-01T13:49:00.003-04:00

I just could not bring myself to watch the show last night. I was too tired and busily breeding fish on the Fish Tycoon app on my iPhone.

Why is Simon's hair getting more square (literally and figuratively, I guess). Does his stylist really think it is a good look, or does Simon demand it and the stylist just sighs and cuts (or, uh, doesn't cut)?

Geez, what is wrong with Allison's hair/clothes/shoes. Ack. I must be getting old, because that horrifies me.

Dude, is Ryan Seacrest human? Does he sleep? He looks a bit like a goldfish to me, and fish don't seem to sleep, either. He must have a gazillion jobs. (insert some inappropriate comment about his love life here).

ANOOP! Singing Usher and channelling Michael Jackson. Curious. Golly (I am trying this word on for size...), I love Anoop Desai. Ew, but he is visually raping the camera and I dislike that. Did I ever tell you about the time my friend M and I saw Lionel Richie and she stuck her hand up for him to touch and he touched and touched and touched. At first I was like, woooo! Lionel Richie! Then I was like whoa, Lionel Richie. Stop hand raping my friend. Which sounds way worse than it was, but it was a little weird.

Ha, Kara just said that it felt like a bunch of frat boys dared Anoop to sing Usher and then they showed a bunch of frat boys shaking their heads. Funny.

What is Megan Joy still doing here? She is actually beginning to make me crazy. Did I tell you guys I got a scooter? It is so cute and I rode it around last night. I am a little scared I am going to be a squashed bug on someone's windshield. I really don't want to die in a Fox 5 newsworthy way. Sigh, Megan is still singing. She wants to give me good lovin'. I would be satisfied with her just going away. She always looks a bit out of her element. I can't figure out why she wants to do this.

Is there a theme to this show? Is it sucking? Ha, I am so funny. Just kidding. I like Danny Gokey's voice. This song is a little boring, but he made me not fast forward through it. Aw, he looks like he really got into the emotion of that song. I appreciate that.

I think all the cat hair in this dang place is starting to affect my keyboard. Bill stay off of my computer.

Dude, Allison grew up hearing "Don't Speak" by No Doubt. Geez, I am old. She looks more like Cyndi Lauper, who I grew up listening to. Hmm, I am not really into this version. She is trying too hard.

The audience just likes to boo for the sake of booing. Kara gave Allison a great compliment in saying that she does not need to dress like a fool because she has the skills that don't need a costume. They booed this? They would prefer she sucks and gets to wear her ugly ensembles? And Paula tried to be all cool and call the guitar an axe. I know that it is called that, but by Paula Abdul?

I know what Simon Cowell was doing at sixteen. He was being booted out of schools, 16 in all.

Ugh, here comes Scott. Singing Billy Joel. Cliche alert. Ugh. I went to a church service once where the organist played all the songs really slowly and my mom and aunt tried to sing the songs faster, but no one helped them get the organist on track and we spent an awfully long time singing hymns. I think that Scott was that organist. Paula is proud that Scott makes us forget his challenge and I say, yes. Let's forget about his challenge and stop keeping him around.

Oh Sloth, I am not certain about this. It just sounded weird. Not quite right. I feel like he could have picked a better song. Matt Giraud does not look like he handles disappointment well.

Oh, no. Lil Rounds is singing Celine Dion. I have a bad feeling about this. As much as I am not a fan of CD, child can sing. I might have to rescind my thought that Lil could win the whole thing. Jeepers, make this stop. Her notes are piercing me straight through my brain. Hey, Lil... Loud does not equal good.

Man, I am bored. This is usually where I start petering out on the show. I won't this time, because I feel an obligation to Mary to keep up with my brilliant observations.

Oh my gosh, I just got teary-eyed when Lil's little one hugged Randy.

I am about to get teary-eyed for another reason. Adam Lambert is up and I tend to cry when I puke. Oh, and you people were right, he was wayyy more k.d. Lang than Elvis. He is embracing the look. I can actually feel my nerves freaking the hell out when he is singing. My whole body rejects this crap. I don't think acid is strong enough to wash this experience off of me.

Oh, I thought we were done, but that guy is still on the show. He is going to sing Bill Withers? I love that song.

Bottom 3:
Megan Joy
Scott MacIntyre
Lil Rounds

Going home:
Megan Joy
Or Scott. I was listening to the recap and he too makes the bile rise in my throat.

If that is motherhood, I am IN

2009-03-29T23:43:00.003-04:00

I am "live" blogging from the pilot episode of "In the Motherhood". Let's see what we think of this show. Forgive me if this is disjointed as I am writing as I watch.

OH NO! Karen from Will & Grace just said that if you don't use your goods, they seal up after a ten months!

Okay, four minutes in and I am hooked, line and sinker....

Uh, is that Horacio Sanz? Wow, he lost weight. He looks great! Wow.

Karen from W&G is saying she is fifty (Whaa?) and then that she is already menopausal. Please tell me women are not menopausal at 50. Are they? Is fifty old? Dude, I am screwed. I suppose I must be pre-menopausal. Yikes. Dude, and she is like 50? Really? OMG! I just looked her up on IMDB and she IS 50! Damn! She is hot. You know what? I think 50 is no longer old. Women are looking damn fine these days.

This third date thing is not really expected is it? I have been hearing a lot about that whole third date thingy on TV lately (thank you, Gary Unmarried). But, well, I guess it is not something I need to worry about as I can't seem to get past the second date.

I think I could love this show, but mostly because I love Megan (fifty is nifty) Mullally and Cheryl Hines. (They remind me of my girls).

I'm gonna make you my special lady

2009-03-29T23:19:00.002-04:00

Does anyone watch the Showtime show "The United States of Tara"? I love this. I have always been fascinated by Multi-personality disorder. While I find it bizarre, I have never questioned the possibility of the reality of this disorder. When I go to the dentist and know I have a painful and tedious procedure to endure, I go to a different place in my head. Imagine dealing with a horribly traumatic event every single day. The whole dissociative disorder makes complete sense to me.

The show is written by Diablo Cody and I am impressed with her departure from "Juno". I was worried that she would not be able to produce something different enough from the witty reparte' that she demonstrated in Juno that would keep her interesting and current, but here I am.

Tara has gone off of her medication in order to get a grip of her alters. She has a new one, "gimme". Gimme is a a personification of her id. This feral aspect of her personality seems to me as a step closer to understanding the issues that brought Tara to this place. I cannot wait to see how things develop. Tara is getting to the point where she is experiencing things along with her alters. To me this seems as a step towards Tara losing her alters and just living her life as Tara.

In any case, this show is brilliant. The acting is fantastic and the story is great.

Called it.

2009-03-26T23:27:00.003-04:00

I like results shows because I can fast forward through most of the shows' posturing and the ridiculous group song. Ech. I don't need to deal with all of Ryan's chatter, so I fast forward until I see who the bottom three are and who goes home. Enough for me. Maybe I am missing some clever musings, but I doubt it.

Season two winner is here? Clay Aiken?

I think that Paula flashed the "loser" sign at Ryan. I thought she was beefing with Simon. I still think they do occasionally get a room.

Man, Ruben's sweating puts Whitney Houston's to shame. Here I thought she held the crown for onstage sweating. I guess everyone gets dethroned eventually. One time, I went to NYC and saw Rent. Ruben and Clay were in the audience, just a few rows from me. They went to see Frenchie who was on AI with them. Clay: super social. Wandered through the crowd and chatted with people. Ruben snuck through the back after the show started. Because he is soooooo famous.

Sloth is bottom three? I bet it is because those jeans he wore demonstrated too much of his "talent". We are just not ready for that kind of exposure from you.

What a sucky walk that must be... To the loser chairs.

Is anyone else a little disturbed by the duet with Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson? He looks like an overeager old man whose overt advances on a young girl don't matter because he is just so old; yet if she let him, he would slobber all over her. Ew. (He's not even that old). Joss is feeding into it. Not helping. But British girls are crazy.

Megan Joy must be paying people to call for her. And enough with the sympathy vote already.

Hey! They did not do a group song. But they did bring out Stevie Wonder. When I see him, I think of the episode of The Cosby Show he was on. He still sounds great. Sad about his hair, though. Soon those braids will be two pigtails, the way his bald spot is growing.

Ugh, as if I needed more ammunition, the Screecher is dancing to Stevie like a hula dancer on Ecstasy. Ugh. Oh, awkward dancing, Megan. Awkward!

Aw, Michael will be okay. He seems like such a nice fella. Plus, his daughter will be happy to have him back home. Maybe it is guttural interpretation of the song that made us all mad. Whatever, bye.

I am gonna post this before the judges vote because they ain't saving him.

Holy Crap

2009-03-25T23:26:00.005-04:00

Here we go again. Why is this show 2 hours long? I had better crack open a nice pinot grigio.

What is on the back of Paula's shoes that makes her walk like a chihuahua when you put socks on it's feet? Randy just said that it was hard to see Alexis go. I think it was because he wanted Allison to go. (Remember? When pressed, he said that of Alexis and the screecher, Allison would be the one to go home).

Aw, Scott's brother does not get to guide him anymore.

Wow, they got to go to Hitsville? That is so cool. I would love to get the stories of the history of Motown. Man, then they get to sing with Smokey Robinson. Can you imagine? I would be too awestruck to be able to complete a sentence, much less a song.

I always wanted to have a hot neighbor and just happen to be playing "Let's get it on" whenever he came home. But I never got a hot neighbor and I don't think Sloth's pants should be THAT tight when he sings this. However, maybe it is how he reaches them there high notes. I like him. He seems like a nice kid.

Oh, it's that guy. He is still on the show... I actually like his voice. But I forget about him as soon as he is off the screen. (Hmm, Paula's bangs are shellacked in place. They don't move at all). Simon just said that he is not conceited enough. I just think he is booooorrring. Seriously! He is so forgettable that during the commercials, I forgot what show I was watching.

Scott is wearing pink pants. I thought he could see a little... He says he is single. The pink pants are not going to help. I think he is going to make this song boring. Let's see... Ugh. He should sing the theme song for Miss America and leave it at that. ENOUGH ALREADY! Holy crap. What is he doing to this song? This is worse than awful. Oh I feel something, Paula. It is bile in my throat.

Oh snap! Paula just gave Simon crayons and a colouring book. Nice. Oh, and Scott says he did not know his pants were pink until right before the show. Seems the stylist is playing with him. Maybe the stylist is saying enough already, too.

Oh Megan. Let's hear you make this song sound like every other song you may ever sing. Wow, she is not hitting the notes very well. She looks a bit like Carrie Underwood today. Damn, she is flat. She does have the cocky that Simon wants out of that guy.

Man, Smokey is nice. I have to respect Randy Travis for not being super saccharinny. But Smokey said nice things about my boy Anoop. (Oops, I typed Anoops. Ha. An oops. Ha!) Wow, Noops can do a nice falsetto. Not one that makes me wish Freddie Krueger would shove a spike through my ear like he did to Johnny Depp. (Though look what it did for Johnny!)

Commercial break: I LOVE this McDonald's commercial. "Gimme back that fillet o'fish! Gimme that fish!" Brilliant!!!

Michael is singing "Ain't too Proud to Beg". Is that in a rap song? This is terrible. Man, they all suck. Send 'em all home and let Sloth and Lil battle it out. I just figured the song out that I was thinking of. "If I need it in the morning or the middle of the night, I ain't too proud to beg!" (TLC).

Oh Lil, I did not like that either. She was shrieking at me, and did it without managing to hit many of the notes. Why are they all off today?

I just saw Olivia Newton John! I like checking out the audience and playing who is famous.

Why is the screecher dressed to look Elvis? You ain't no Elvis. But if you were, I would like to hear that Elvis has left the building. Oh, I will concede he has talent, but I simply cannot stand him and I have suddenly forgotten his name. He grosses me out. I will have to bathe in acid now. And what's up Kara? This show ain't about you.

Danny Gokey will need to work on his stage presence. His voice is great, but he is soooo cheesy on stage. AND he totally disregarded Smokey's advice about singing the back-up. I wonder if that will anger his potential voters.

The way Allison is dressed, she looks like her papa was a rolling stone. Or a john. Yikes. This child can sing.

The best part of the show was Simon's application of a mustache on Paula. Ha.

My bottom three:
Scott, Megan, Michael.

Michael is going home.

Sucks watching when you already know who is booted.

2009-03-23T14:22:00.004-04:00

Who is the scary harmonica player sitting on the edge of the stage? Is this his performance? They focus more on him than on Michael Sarver. I like Michael, but I can't see him winning this. His daughter (?) did not seem to like his performance.

I love the raspiness to Allison's voice. The next guy is so bland to me that I don't even recall his name. I love me some Lil Rounds. Honestly, this girl should just be removed from the show and given a contract.

Augh, I really dislike Adam Lambert. He skeeves me out. I know that everyone else seems to love him, but yuck. I am glad that Randy Travis seems to feel the same way I do. I always liked him. Ech, listening to him makes me feel contaminated. I wonder what spurs this visceral hatred from me. Ugh. Make it stop. Oh no, and he is wearing jeans with the exposed zipper. Tacky.

Scott MacIntyre is no good. Enough already.

I really like Alexis Grace, but I already know she is going home. I wish she would have connected to the desperation of the song more into her performance. It is a shame that Alexis is going already. I would think Scott or the guy whose name I can't recall should go before her.

Danny came out super weak, but he sold it. He engaged me enough to allow me to ignore the beginning. Plus, he is rather charming. I agree with Simon in regards to his outfit. That white jacket sucks.

ANOOP! J'adore. Dunno what it is about him that I find super appealing, but yay, Anoop! Sometimes Paula is super nerdy. But she looks good again. Anoop was great! The song could have gotten boring and he managed to keep it exciting and sweet.

Megan Joy. She is kind of one trick pony, like me when it comes to AI. Whoa... what is up with the boob sacks on that dress? Her twisty dance seems to be getting weirder, too. I think she is trying to reel it in, but forgets.

Sloth is really growing on me.

13 minus 2

2009-03-15T16:50:00.002-04:00

An HOUR to get rid of two?

They have a new rule that they can save a contestant based on some of the previous contestants too early dismissal. But if you look at Daughtry, Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson (to my chagrin), they all have had successful careers. They don't really need the save. I bet they have had better success having been booted early than had they won the AI title.

Megan looks lost during this group song. This is embarrassing to watch. I wonder if it is as embarrassing to perform.

Jasmine is in the bottom group. Megan, too. But Jasmine is the one going home. This whole judge saving thing is a little cruel. Dash the poor kid's hope just one more time.

Anoop and Jorge are in the bottom group. I picked them all. I am proud of myself. Please send Jorge home.

KELLY! Squeeee! What the heck is she wearing and why am I starting to feel dirty whenever Ryan and Simon talk to each other? (I dedicate this song to you, American Idol. My life would suck without you. Just kidding, but we do spend an inordinate amount of time together).

Yay! Anoop! I actually feel a little bad for Jorge. He seems nice enough, if a bit creepy.

Top 13 - AKA Gingko Biloba

2009-03-15T15:27:00.005-04:00

I write from a prone position on my big yellow couch. It is hard to type this way. Lil Rounds was just up and while I still think she will win, I was not too excited about her singing this song. Plus, her makeup made her look cross-eyed and her outfit was hideous. But, it ain't no body's bidness.

Who started the whole finger waving thing? I am going to have to watch the first season again. Why does it piss me off so royally? Maybe it is annoying to me because I don't vote.

Scott MacIntyre is the pride of Scottsdale? Is his brother named Dale? Can we puhleaze do something about his fro? Snore. This song is borrrring. Everyone thinks he is so great, but blah. I am snoozing. He should sing in those new Comcast commercials. They are boring, too. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is in the audience. Is this fare safe for her republican fetus?

Okay, Danny Gokey was a top contender. After his PYT, he IS the top contender. (Though I agree with Simon that he can't dance).

Michael Sarver is either flat or simply just under each note. It is like he almost hits the notes, but just falls short. Excuse me while I continue the nap I started while listening to Scott.

I hope someone sings "Smile". Jasmine Murray is so cute and has a nice voice, but something is missing and I don't know what it is.

Kris Allen. I am still sleeping. Randy is channeling Paula. He said "Very well job done, baby!" And the wife looked pissed when Simon said that Kris should have kept her under wraps longer.

Allison Iraheta could have put more emotion into this song. This is a great song for a more mature person. She sang the song okay, but missed the point altogether.

Anoop Desai rules. I think he would have sang this better 1/2 an octave lower. He should have sung Smile.

Jorge Nunez is creeping me out.

Megan Joy Corkrey looks a little like Belinda Carlisle and Reese Witherspoon in addition to the Aussie Real World chick and Johnny Depp's woman. But she has no business being in this competition. "Caw, Caw"? Has she ever heard a robin before?

Adam Lambert. Dislike. Not excited to have him shriek at me some more. Too bad they already made Dream (Scream) girls. Maybe he can be in the sequel and win an ill gotten Academy Award, too. Bah! This guy is going to stick around forever just because I hate him. Why do they love him so?

Why does Ryan know what a hurkey is?

Matt Giraud, aka Sloth, aka li'l JT sings a great song. That was great. Here is a Baby Ruth for you!

Ooh, Dirty Diana. I love this song. Man, I forgot how great some MJ songs are. Alexis Grace is rocking this!

My bottom three:
Adam
Jorge
Megan

Likely bottom three:
Anoop
Jorge
Jasmine

Wild Card

2009-03-08T03:05:00.004-04:00

I am tired. It is late and I have a meeting and watching three hours of AI is hard, even for me. I am gonna minimize my involvement tonight. No alogorithm for you today.

There are three slots and eight singers. Seriously, what got into Paula? She looks hot and put together. Maybe I am the one falling apart.

Jesse Langseth would look hotter without that ugly ass sweater. Sucky song. Why is she wearing camel boots with a black dress? Those crazy gingers. She is out. Sad, because she can sing.

I think it is funny that Simon tells people that they are too indulgent in their performances. Irony? I'm self indulgent, Simon. Come yell at me. :)

Sloth: He is such a boy bander. He needs to lay off the riffs because without them, he would be awesome. But is he one sided in only being able to sing bluesy stuff? He needs more experience and he could be pretty great.

Why does Kara look like a school teacher?

Megan Joy Corkrey: She dances funny. I bet her little boy dances the same. I think she is better than she has demonstrated here so far. She cheeses it up too much for me to take her seriously.

Ugh. Here comes Von. Ha! I have to laugh. His song starts out with "What have I got to do to make you love me?" That is funny, considering how much I dislike him. I can't stand how he dislocates his jaw to sing high notes. Yay, Simon thinks he is boring.

Jasmine Murray: Damn, I don't think she is as talented as I thought she was during auditions. Maybe she just needs some training and experience. She is only 16. She deserved the second chance, but she ought to go home now.

Braddy: He actually has a great voice. Crap. I don't think I liked him before. Now he is winning me over. Yeah, I like him.

Crazy McWacky: Why is her accent suddenly much stronger? I think she listened to them lauding Jorge for his accent. She has a great voice. With Lindsay settling into domestic bliss with Sam and Britney staying on her meds, we need a new crazy in pop music. Let's let her win! She did affect the accent! Ha! She is sooo crazy!!! She is still using the weirdo accent. I don't think the judges like her. Too bad. I would like to see her move on with the show.

Anoop Desai: YAY! I love you! Even with that lame ass green knit tie. He is so awesome.

My choices for top three:
Anoop Desai
Ricky Braddy
Tatiana Del Toro

Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop Anoop

Judges choices:
Jasmine Murray
Megan Joy Corkrey (bye crazy Tatiana!)
MANG! The DVR quit before I found out the last person. Off to google.com.
Matt Giraud
AND? Anoop Desai!!! Well, top twelve turned into lucky thirteen for me! ANOOP!

Results of final set of 12

2009-03-08T01:27:00.003-05:00

I said that Lil Rounds, Jorge Nunez, and Kendall Beard were my top three. Let's see whether America agrees with me or not. Paula looks great. She was on her game during the last show. What is up?

Really? Katy Perry as their group song? They don't even sound that bad. Kendall needs to stop performing for the Miss America pageant. They ended it on a pageanty note. I hate the group songs.

blah blah blah. Make cuts already. I don't want to waste anymore time on the people who are going home.

Will they make others stand up with Lil Rounds? Nope. It was obvious that she was going through. I love her. I could see her winning the whole thing.

I think Scott is going through. I am not too very excited about this. They are getting rather formulaic in how they let people go. I can totally guess who is going to the top twelve. See? I would not buy his cd.

Last one. I think it will be Jorge. But yay, Von is going away, barring any wild card crap. That sucks that he brings Ju'Not and Jorge down to the center of the stage because one has to walk back to his seat. That one being Ju'Not. I like how Scott's brother gets to be on the show all the time to help him get around.

I wondwer who the eight who get to sing again will be. Lemme guess... (these are based partially on my hopes, but also on my perception of what the judges seemed to like).

In no particular order:
Ju'not Joyner
Kendall Beard
Jasmine Murray
Megan Joy Corkrey
Kai Kalama
Mishavonna Henson
Anoop Desai- Yay! Noop Dawg
Ricky Braddy Crap. I knew they loved him. Not me so much.

FRACK! They picked Von Smith. The Kewpie doll. I hate him. ACK!

Whaa? They picked the crazy? I am confused, but secretly elated to see Tatiana "el pollo loco" Del Toro picked.

They picked Sloth? (Matt Giraud). I 'spose I am okay with this.

Jesse Langseth. I wanted to put her in my list, but did not think they would choose her. I am glad.

(Pick Anoop! Noop!) YES!!!

50% right... Hmph.

Last group of 12

2009-03-04T01:42:00.005-05:00

Dude, seriously. I just worked for 9 hours and it is 1:43 am and I need to get my AI fix? Ugh, I just saw Adam and gagged a little. Crap, we have to witness him on this show. I hope he gets voted off soon.

There is not one person I want to make it through from this group.

Von Smith: This first guy is ridiculous. Have hated him from the initial audition. Blech. He even looks like a turd with that ridiculous Kewpie hairstyle. His manic smile is reminiscent of Tom Cruise. Scary. What the hell is this song? Please America, forget about the number 1 for a few hours and let this boy go back home to annoy his locals. I am not on par with these judges. I was so in sync with Simon last year. What's wrong with them? 0 singing, -.7 outfit, -.3 personality, -.6 looks, finger waving -1.5 (he gets an extra .5 because he waggled his head around like a moron and because I really dislike him and may be attacking him a little unfairly because I am tired but not sleepy). Final Score: -3.1

I saw "Escape to Witch Mountain" when I was little and was enamored with little Kim Richards. Now they made "Race to Witch Mountain" and I simply don't recall the Witch Mountain line being about aliens. I don't recall anything really except that Tia (Kim Richards) had realllllly long hair and the kids had special powers. Hmm. I have been enamored by AnnaSophia Robb since I first saw her in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just hope she manages to not follow in the footsteps of her predecessor and become the aunt to the most ridiculous heirass (yeah, I spelled that right).

Taylor Vaifanua: I think I need to add performance to the algorithm. The squats that people keep doing along with the winks and squints and various odd facial movements need to graded. Aw, she is kind of cute with her crying. 0 singing, -.4 outfit, .3 personality, -.2 looks, finger waving -.9 (she got .1 sliced off because she was genuinely cute in her finger flashing. Not as a cute as Jordan from 2 seasons ago who always flashed a heart with her fingers after the numbers). Final Score: -1.2.

Alex Wagner- Trugman: He could be Michael Cera's bro. His singing is a little weird and rough. I wish he sang it normal instead of trying to do all this weird stuff which I am sure he felt macho'd it up and made him seem more grown up. But it is weird! -.9 singing, -.2 outfit , 1 personality, 0 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: -1.1 (But he's a doll).

Arianna Afsar: Maybe it was her that I saw that resembles Isla Fisher, 'cause she sort of does. This song sucks. I feel like she only sings it well when she is belting. Even then she is a bit off. -.5 singing, 0 outfit , .7 personality, .8 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: 0

Ju'not Joyner: I kind of dig his version of Hey There Delilah, but his vibrato is kind of wigging me out. Still he injects energy into parts of his singing of this song and that is good. I wish he could have done it throughout the whole song. I feel like Kara was really into it by the way she was swaying her shoulders all sexy-like at him. .6 singing, -.2 outfit , .8 personality, .2 looks, finger waving - 1.1 (he gets this score because I don't think he waved fingers, but he did wave and then made phone signs and said we should call him). Final Score: 0.3

In the Nationwide commercial in which a guy hit an old couple's car and the woman beats her with his purse, the woman's voice sounds just like Felicity Huffman's.

Kristen McNamara: Ugh, I don't really like her either. She could have been cast in Love American Style back in the day looking exactly as she does today (though I loved that show, I still don't like her). Maybe she looks like the blonde sister on Too Close for Comfort. I hate how these people make all those weird faces at the camera. There is no connection to the emotion behind the song. .2 singing, -1 outfit (that is one hideous dress. She says she is twenty three and the dress makes her look like she has old broad boobies. The colour is high-rendous and the flower epaulets are confusing. Great, there goes the sight in my right eye) , .2 personality, -.7 looks, finger waving 1. Final Score: -0.3. Crap. Now I like her after she just said that she had no dress style. "I was always the girl wearing stretch pants with ... the bow on my head. I always looked crazy." Dang, I have to change the personality from -.2 to .2. Dang.

By the way, she looks JUST like the girl from Too Close for Comfort. See for yourself...

Nathaniel Marshall: Ugh, they just keep getting worse! This guy... Ugh. Ugh, he is singing Meatloaf. My butt cheeks could sing this better and even they would refrain from doing it because this song sucks. Gosh, he is still singing. Man, this is the WORST group. He is wearing skinny jeans. Now I am blind in my left eye, too. Ha! He tried to do the drum hand slam thingy were he makes a gesture like he is making that final drum smash sound. (That was a lot of explanation, but you got it, right?) Anyhoo... He totally was too early. Ha. -.5 singing, -1 outfit , -.6 personality, -.9 looks, finger waving 1 (Ryan took him to the judge's table to torment Simon and he therefore did not get the opportunity to wave his little fingers). Final Score: -0.8 Damn, there is something I could like about this kid. Mostly it would emerge if he could just tone it down a bit.

Felicia Barton: This girl is only in because Joanna got booted. She is a girl who adds H's to all of her words. She suh-hounds li-hike she is yohodelling. But she has that raspiness I love, ala P!nk. .3 singing, -.3 outfit , .5 personality, .3 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: -0.2

Scott MacIntyre: I am curious about this boy. He has a Josh Groban-y style, which I don't like so much. But with the right type of music, maybe it would be pretty...? Oh, that high note was a bad choice. He sings the words too precisely. He needs wayyyy more practice. Whoa, the judges are being beyond nice. I don't think he is good enough to be here. -.7 singing, .6 outfit , .6 personality, 0 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: -0.5

Kendall Beard: Okay, she is kind of cute. My cat is singing along with her. She has a nice voice. I would like to hear something else from her. She hits some notes flat every now and then and the song was not too exciting. But I would like to see what else she can do. .2 singing, 1 outfit , .6 personality, .5 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: 1.3

Jorge Nunez: He has a beautiful vibrato. Was he singing in Spanish there for a second? I think he is eating the microphone. He could use an eyebrow wax. He sings okay, except when he tried to be fancy. .6 singing, 0 outfit , .7 personality, -.8 looks, finger waving 1 Final Score: 1.5

Lil Rounds: Last one, thank God! She enjoyed Kansas Ceety. I kind of like her. Let's see what she's got! Wow, she actually looks and sounds like she's been doing this for a while. Oh, no. They just flashed up to the others and Kendall Beard demonstrated she ain't got no rhythm. Dang, Lil just nailed it. Perfect song. She sang, "Call this show if you can't be without me". 1 singing, .8 outfit , 1 personality, .8 looks, finger waving - .1 Final Score: 2.6

Final Count:

Lil Rounds: 2.6
Jorge Nunez: 1.5
Kendall Beard: 1.3
Ju'not Joyner: 0.3
Arianna Afsar: 0
Felicia Barton: -0.2
Kristen McNamara: -0.3.
Scott MacIntyre: -0.5
Nathaniel Marshall: -0.8
Alex Wagner- Trugman: -1.1
Taylor Vaifanua: -1.2.
Von Smith: -3.1

Results of the second set of 12

2009-02-28T00:38:00.002-05:00

I hate the group performances. Geez. I don't even know where to start. This is horrendous. Who is their choreographer. I know I am constantly harping on this, but cripes. The dancing is so creppy (creepy and crappy) and makes me feel dirty like when some grody old man lingers when shaking your hand. Recently JT and Marci were at my home for dinner and I could not stop wiggling my shoulders at them in a weird kind of "wild and crazy guy" way. I could not stop and somehow this affliction has affected the cast of AI.

Norman, Nick, whatever his name is, forgot the lyrics and he was trying so hard to sing it seriously with his scrunched up American Idol singing face. Watching them makes me want to douse myself in lye. But I watch... for you.

Allison is wearing a Minnie Mouse dress. It is clashing with her ugly hair. And we shall see her that shock of red again as she is through.

The montage is why I love this show. The producers and directors have a pretty great sense of humor.

Oh, Brooke Light-White is on. Hmm. She is still a little annoying to me. I hate it when people grin cheesily at the camera while singing a non-grinny song. Imagine grinning madly while singing Bohemian Rhapsody. "Mama, just killed a man" {GRIN}. I was not that impressed with the song.

Crap, that Adam guy is going to stay on just because he makes me go deaf in my right ear. What was that tie that Kai had on? Just weird. Damn, Adam is through.

Well, my formula failed me this week.
Winners:
Adam Lambert: 0.2
Kris Allen: -0.3
Allison Iraheta: -1.6

2nd set of twelve

2009-02-25T23:55:00.003-05:00

I have a bad feeling about this group. I may have to ply myself with alcohol toget through this date. That is the turdiest looking shirt that Ryan is wearing. Simon winks at Ryan a lot. It is a little unsettling.

Did they really send the nine non-winners home? What is the story with the wild cards? Will they be invited back?Simon is wearing an old Hanes t-shirt that looks like it has been in existence and in full use since he was a Solid Gold Dancer.

I like Jasmine Murray. I love this song. But she seems half a note off and a beat too slow. Hmmm. I think she is better than she is performing right now. -.6 singing, .6 outfit, .6 personality, .5 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: 0.1

Matt Giraud. He seriously looks like Sloth to me. But he seems nice, though so did Sloth. Whoa, what is up with this guy's vibrato? Is he being shaken? If he did not have that, he would have a really nice voice. -.6 singing, -.2 outfit, .4 personality, -1 looks, finger waving -1 (Man! I thought he was gonna make it and not flash fingers, but at the last second, there they were). Final Score: -2.4

Why is Simon suddenly affected by the booing? Is he getting nice? Did he get a new girlfriend he is trying to impress? Is he just trying to get me jealous?

Jeanine Vailes.Hello, lime green nails. Yikes. Oh great, she is one of those strange camera abusers. I know they are trying to make love to the camera, but it seems more like camera rape to me. Creepy camera rape. What precedent did Constantine set for these performers. Wow, they are just getting worse. Does she have the same plastic surgeon as the octuplet baby momma? -.8 singing, -5 outfit, .4 personality, -.4 looks, finger waving -2 (She gets an extra minus point because she waved the wrong amount of fingers at first and then followed up with the correct amount. Sad). Final Score: -3.3

Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell. I am confused by his involvement in this show. His voice is okay. He is entertaining. He is kind of great, but isn't he snubbing his nose at all of those who take this show super seriously? Can they let him stay? Will America like him? He is so cabaret. He is Las Vegas! He is no worse than Reuben Stoddard, but can he fit in with Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson? He makes me want to add a entertainment factor to my algorthym. Hmm. Curious. .5 singing, -1 outfit, 1 personality, -.5 looks, finger waving 1. Final Score: 1

Did Seacrest forget that he was on camera tonight? What the hell is he wearing?

Allison Iraheta. She would probably look nice with really dark hair. Why does she keep saying the name of the song and the band like she is embarrassed about it? It is pissing me off because the band is great and the song is awesome. I can't tell if she is not quite hitting the high notes or if the backup singers just make her sound off. I love her raspy voice. I can't believe she is only sixteen. .9 singing, -.5 outfit, -.2 personality, -.8 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -1.6

Kris Allen. He has this aw shucks quality that even is apparent in his singing. That's why this song was perfect for him (MJ's Man in the Mirror)> I'd like to request that he stops fanning his fingers on the mic, please. His butt is attempting to break out of his jeans. Not good. He is okay, but on a high school show kind of way. I am not sold on him. I think he is utterly forgettable. .4 singing, -.2 outfit, .1 personality, .4 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -0.3

Megan Joy Corkrey. She looks like a mix of Johnny Depp's girl Vanessa Paradis and Jacinda Barrett (Real World). She also looks like the yin to "The Ring" girl's yang. Um, why are these people here? This is awful. This is worse than karaoke. She says down weird. Dang, I thought this girl was better. And then she just ended it super bad. Nonono. Bad. But she is cute. -.7 singing, -.3 outfit, .6 personality, .8 looks, finger waving 1. Final Score: 1.4

Matt Breitzke. The Welder. Hmm, he is singing Tonic. I love this song. Why is everyone singing so cheesily? Is it nerves? Everyone keeps attempting to stylize the songs and it sounds like crap. Just frickin' sing the already. He is singing okay, but I am bored. I love the random yet obligatory dancing from the rest of the group. Hey, the judges agree with me. Boring! -.1 singing, 0 outfit, -.2 personality, 0 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -1.3

I find myself wishing that some people wave fingers and that others don't based on how much I like them. It is such a major factor in my formula!

Jesse Langseth. Dang, there are a lot of single moms on this show. I really like this girl but I am so caught up in her sweater and how truly ugly it is. She has a great a great voice for this song, I wish she would have done a bit more with the song. I was rather bored. She has more potential than she showed .6 singing, .3 outfit, .8 personality, .6 looks, finger waving -1. (I have to take off .2 from her because she could not shut up during the judges commentary. That's annoying. Shut up and listen for goodness sakes). Final Score: 1.1

Kai Kalama. Oh, I like this boy and his momma. I hate his hair. His performance is pretty good, but his singing was very level. It would have behooved him to find a better song, but he sold it better at the end. It got less boring. .3 singing, .6 outfit, .9 personality, .3 looks (He'd get higher points on looks, because he is cute, if he cut his hair. Hmm, he's actually be hot without the sideshow Bob hair), finger waving -1. Final Score: 1.1

Mishavonna Henson. I felt like she was reading the lyrics while she sang them. Yet, she has an interesting and pretty good voice. I dunno how to feel about her. I want to like her and I like the song, but something is off. .4 singing, 0 outfit, .8 personality, -.4 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -0.2

Adam Lambert. Hmph, this guy annoys me. He is so drama and screechy. He has so many added thingies like his hair and his clothes that he seems like he is overcompensating for something. I dunno why he totally rubs me the wrong way. DUDE! Enough with the dang falsetto crap. Blech. I dislike this guy, therefore, prepare to see him all the way through. The judges like him. We are at odds. Blech. Gah. 0 singing, 0 outfit, 0 personality, -.8 looks, finger waving 1. (Man! He is not a finger waver.) Final Score: 0.2

(My formula is really hard to follow because it is so very arbitrary, but whatever. It is working for me. Sort of).

All twelve in my order:
Megan Joy Corkrey: 1.4
Kai Kalama: 1.1
Jesse Langseth: 1.1
Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell: 1
Adam Lambert: 0.2 Jasmine Murray: 0.1
Mishavonna Henson -0.2
Kris Allen: -0.3
Matt Breitzke: -1.3
Allison Iraheta: -1.6
Matt Giraud: -2.4
Jeanine Vailes: -3.3

Results of the first twelve

2009-02-19T11:00:00.004-05:00

I had a dermatologist appointment today in which she scanned my whole body for that horrendous skin cancer. In preparation for this, I shaved my legs. Apparently, I felt my ankle had some questionable skin, because I actively removed a massive chunk with my razor which then filled my shower with more blood than I knew I had. This has nothing to do with anything, but my sock looks like Curt Schilling's during the 2004 playoffs. I think maybe I want some sympathy. A bouquet wouldn't kill you guys.

The group song... is scary. Make it stop. Who is their choreographer? Dang, this typing thing is hard when my cat insists on crossing my lap every two seconds, walking over my laptop (which coincidentally is currently on my lap! Madness!)

The H&R Block commercials with the cyclops wigs me out. Where did they find one-eyed actors?

The recaps from Tuesday make me realize I gave Jackie Tohn too high of a score. I think I would prefer that these people just stand still and sing, because their dancing makes me puke a little in my mouth.

Tatiana has a good voice when she is not adding vocal acrobatics. Hmm, I wonder what score these people would get if I were judging them today...

I wonder if my fantabulous scoring method has any merit. If so, I am willing to sell it for big bucks to the American Idol people.

I am worried that Stevie is dumb because how hard is it to figure out that a younger song does not necessarily mean a song by a young person? Anoop sang a "Angel of Mine" by Monica who was 18 when she sang it (though it was a cover) and the judges told him that it was too old a song for him. Figure it out, Stevie.

Ryan keeps saying that people are NOT in the top twelve. But that is not true. They are not in the top nine. At least that is what I understand. The votes pick the top girl, top guy, and the next highest vote getter. Then there are three spots that are wild card. That means that three people WILL be in the top twelve that are being told they will not. Right?

Whaaaat? Michael Sharver over Noop Dawg? That's crap.

Dude, Marci and JT, we should go to Disney and perform for AI while we are in FLA. Hey, it is the missing Corr sister and the Aussie guy from last year. I thought we were done with them. They dance just like the current cast. Wow, this is a terrible song. Excuse me while I fast forward through Michael Johns singing "she wrote me a lettuow".

Danny has to win, but I wonder if this will be some weird Sanjaya moment where all the idjets vote for Tatiana because she is crazy. Phew. I was about to throw a hissy fit to the stupidness of this competition that has ceased to be a singing contest. But, now I don't have to though I might still due to Anoop's disposal. Yet, I don't, nor have I ever cast a vote. I don't know how big a foot I have to stand on. But I have a big mouth and those are the people who get listened to, see?

By, the way, I feel like Danny will win the whole thing.

Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop! Anoop!

In: Danny Gokey, Michael Sharver, Alexis Grace. They were #1, #3 and #5 in my formula. I am awesome.

Rating 12 of the top 36

2009-02-17T23:45:00.004-05:00

Seacrest said that Simon was in the UK for the past six months. Do they have a hiatus between the auditions and then the actual live show? I guess they must. Interesting. I never thought about it.

They are doing things a little differently this time around. 12 kids sing, top dude and top chick (Viewer votes-wise) stay in and the next highest vote getter stays, too. This gives nine contestants. Then they have a wild card contest for the final three spots. I wonder if this is the leeway needed for the judges to make sure that at least three of their favorites get in. Otherwise, would they just take the top two guy and top two girls from each of the 12? And what if the groups of twelve are unbalanced and all the sucky people are in the same group?

Onward: First up, Jackie Tohn. I like her. But what the hell is she wearing? Big red pleather belt with Olivia Newton John "Let's get physical" satiny pants. Run DMC high-tops. Yucks. And she is a finger waver. She gets .5 point for singing, loses one for outfit, gains nothing for looks (because I don't think she is gorgeous or ugly), gains one for personality and loses one for finger waving. Final score: -0.5

Simon's hair is exceptionally square today.

Two: Ricky Braddy.Wowzers, thems some snug pants. I thought Jackie's were tight... He has fuzzy ears. the little furs catch the light spectacularly and give him a monkey-like halo. Nice. Hmm, not a fan. .5 for singing, -1 outfit, 0 looks, 0 personality, -1 finger waving. Judges loved him. Final Score:-1.5

Three: Alexis Grace. Cute girl. I like her. Even though she dirrtied (rather than dirtied it up)her look up and kind of looks like a child prostitute. Oops, she forgot to put to put her dress on over her slip. Seriously, I thought slip dresses went out a looooong time ago. At least her shoes are cute and not made of lucite. I like her. .8 singing, -1 outfit, 1 personality, .6 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: 0.4

Four: Brent Keith. He seems cute from some angles, and not so cute from others. It is weird. He is like that girl on Seinfeld that was hot in some lights and not hot in others. He's country. Enough with the country already. Hey, just go to Nashville, dude. If they let Jessica Simpson and that chick (Julianne Hough) from Dancing with the Stars have careers, they'll let you in, too. You don't have to waste time on this show that is called POP Idol in Britain. 0 singing, 0 outfit, .3 personality, 0 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -0.7

Five: Stevie Wright. Oh Stevie. I kind of liked you. But you chose a song from Taylor Swift who is not the greatest singer and wow, this really sucks. She sounded like a tone deaf kid who was singing along to JT's karaoke machine. She took the youthful image thing a little far, dressing like Punky Brewster. That really sucked. -1 singing, -1 outfit, .5 personality, 0 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -2.5

Six: Noop Dawg! Anoop Desai. Love this kid! Have big hopes for him. Aw crap. He gives those weird lecherous glances at the camera. Well, it did not seem to hurt Constantine's chances. That song was kind of crappy, but I mostly blame the backup singers. I want him to fix his hair. It looks like the same cut he probably had when he was a little kid. I still like him. He seems like a genuine person. .8 singing, .4 outfit, .8 personality, 0 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: 1

Seven: Casey Carlson. She looks like one of the girls from the CW show Privileged. She is cute. Whoa, she is worse than the worst lounge singer. Some of the worst faces I have ever seen. She looks like she is trying to give birth. Maybe some dance classes would help? Though this looks like a lost cause. And, is it it me or is her singing super amateur and off-key? Wow. No. (Wow, she gets a fairly high score because she did not wave a finger to indicate her number. She is the first of them. I want her to stay just for that! Oh, and the hopes that her weirdo behavior during performances might deteriorate and become weirder). -.8 singing, -.7 outfit, .5 personality, .7 looks, finger waving 0. Final Score: -.3

Eight: Michael Sarver. This boy has a great smile. The television just glitters when he smiles on it. Otherwise he is rather plain looking. Is he wearing mom jeans? Aw, I love him. He looks like he is going to burst from excitement. His singing, however is sometimes really on and great and other times totally off. .2 singing, 0 outfit, .6 personality, .5 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: 0.3

Nine: Ann Marie Boskovich. Wow, she sounds flat. She is not quite getting down to those lower notes. Sure enough, she got better as she hit the higher notes, still, it was not great in my opinion. But she is the first one in a cute outfit. -.5 singing, .8 outfit, .5 personality, .1 looks, finger waving -.5 (She didn't wave a nine, but she did give an awkward 2 thumbs up and that gets penalized!). Final Score: 0.4

Ten: Stephen Fowler is from the Cleve! I don't think he should have made it this far based on his solo act of forgetting the words and then simply leaving the stage. He sounds like he is singing this song a shade slower than the music is being played. Yikes. This sounds warped. He looks like a little kid, almost like Rudy Huxtable when she was 6, when he is singing. Oh, he is an excuse giver. He's out in my opinion. Blech. -1 singing, -.3 outfit, 0 personality, 0 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -2.3

Eleven: Tatiana Del Toro. Yay. Let's see this mental case sing. She is such a drama queen which makes me crazy. That's why she gets a full negative on personality. It's strange but she looks a teeny bit like Isla Fisher in that picture. Dang, she is flat, too. And she is wearing Holly Hobby's dress. I feel creepy watching this. Bad song choice. I... speechless... Especially after that little spin she gave at the end. The judges called her out! Nice. Now she is embarrassed. -.6 singing, -1 outfit, -1 personality, .1 looks, finger waving -1. Final Score: -3.5

Twelve: Danny Gokey. I think he borrowed Michael Sharver's shirt. I only give him a .9 for singing because of all of the riffs. I hate them, but dang the boy can sing. I like him. .9 singing, .3 outfit, .8 personality, .2 looks, finger waving 0. AND he is not a finger waver! Looove that. Final Score: 2.2

In my highly mathematical formula, these are the contestants from best to worst, in my humble opinion. (Of course, I got more critical as the show progressed...)

Danny Gokey 2.2
Anoop Desai 1
Alexis Grace 0.4
Ann Marie Boskovich 0.4
Michael Sharver 0.3
Casey Carlson -0.3
Jackie Tohn -0.5
Brent Keith -0.7
Ricky Braddy -1.5
Stephen Fowler -2.3
Stevie Wright -2.5
Tatiana Del Toro -3.5

Hollywood Week some more

2009-02-11T20:42:00.002-05:00

Two hours of this tonight. I had better see some great breakdowns. Is that the same mansion that was used in "Beauty and the Geek"? I tried googling it, but all that was coming up was some people wondering which judge's house that was. Seriously?

The kid who opens his mouth wider than the girl who is part anaconda is up. He annoys me. He sang an over the top "Over the Rainbow" for auditions and I am flabbergasted that he is still around. DAMN! They are keeping his melodramatic self in the competition. Bah.

I like this new sing-off thing. The tenson rises and Buggie is happy. Cody, the horror filmmaker, sounded panicked in his sing-off song. I don't like the other kid's voice much.

Oh, man, This is so repetitive. I am done.

90210

2009-02-10T23:27:00.005-05:00

Um.. I used to watch Beverly Hills, 90210.

Um... I watch 90210. But Erin Silver on the first show:

Was played by Mercedes Kastner.

The New "Silver" (she dropped Erin for cool's sake) is played by Jessica Stroup:

Bit of a departure, no?

Down to 72.

2009-02-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

Day four of Hollywood week. Hey, the blind guy has not been cut. I wonder if Ryan is still impotently attempting to give him high fives.

Let's get ready to watch some tears. They show Hollywood. Is the sidewalk in front of Grauman's wet? Could it have rained? In L.A.?

The theatrical guy (Adam Lambert) sounds like a Cher impersonator. I dunno about him. Of course, because I don't like him, they will let him stay (Gah, and the more I listened to it, I had to rewind and rewatch to get their names, the worse he seemed to be). And the guy (Matt Giraud) Simon says reminds him of Elliott Yamin, reminds me more of Sloth from Goonies. But they all have strangely narrow teeth. Well, not teeth, but the part of the jaw in which the teeth reside. Esp. the upper teeth.

Jamar Rogers killed two people. Isn't that teardrops under the eye indicate? Either that or he has a very special kind of skin cancer that glitters under the spotlight.

I like Bud Bundy (Danny Gokey) though is he singing like the guy from Creed. (With arms wide opuuun).

Noop Dawg (Anoop Desai) is awesome. I want him to win. I like the little Shark (Jorge Nunez) (Puerto Rican. I just watched West Side Story again. Am I allowed to call him a shark?). I want him to do something better with his with his crazy curls. Scott MacIntyre has a nice voice, but he has a bit of Josh Groban thing going for him which will bode well for him in regards to Simon, but I am not a huge fan.

Kendall Beard. Bye.

Did Stevie Wright's head grow? Her cranium looks enormous. I like her, too. Lil Rounds (Damn, that's what I wanted to name my kid) is great.

Kristin McNamara wins for opening her mouth the widest. I kind of like her, but it might just be fear speaking as she could try to wrap herself around me and ingest me like an anaconda. (My anaconda don't want none if you ain't.... hold on... What is that song really about...?)

I played AI on my Wii and totally won the whole thing.

What is up with all the maxi dresses? These girls look pregnant. I like Jasmine Murray, too. No maxi dress for her. She's only 16. She's better not need a maxi dress yet. Though, I do watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". (Did you get that whole train of thought? If so, you may need help.... :)

Damn, if that Norman/Nick guy has not established a credible career for himself. Bet they give him a show. Not on American Idol, though.

I am having a girl crush on Kara DioGuardia. I just like her. (Even though she is wearing the most horrendous lacy top thingy. Yikes.) She is soo pretty and does not take crap. She is bitchy but in a self-sufficient kind of way. She is not a bitch for the sake of being bitchy. I need to learn some of her bitchy. I am always too nice or too mean. Deal with it.

Ju'not Joyner has a lovely voice and he seems sooo nice. I like. I like how sweetly melancholy he made "Hey there, Delilah".

This is kind of a boring breakdown. I am bored. I cleaned my bedroom today. I never ever vacuum in there and decided that today was the day and yes I have a cat, but that does not excuse the size of the dust bunnies in there. Nasty. I went on a murderous spree with my Hoover* and now live in the lap of splendor once again. I also found my mascara that went missing a few weeks ago.

Why was (the formerly homeless) Leneshe Young doing the robot while performing "Love Song"? Marci and I do the robot and other asst. dances while enjoying the musical stylings of "Liquid A" at bars in the DC Metro area.

Whoa, the judges... What is up with all the hardware around Paula and Randy's necks? They would NOT make it through a high school metal detector with that!

You know, people say that this is a cruel competition. I say nay. This is a realistic and actually somewhat coddling experience for these kids. I have been to the odd audition and believe me, if they (the judges) even acknowledge you, it is usually not very pleasant. (One experience for me: Can you lose 5 pounds in the next few days? Um... Sure... Healthy lifestyle.)

Hmph. Just as I suspected. They kept in many of the crappy ones. But they kept my good ones, too. We'll see how good my taste is. But in previous seasons, I totally called Jordin Sparks and Carrie Underwood to win. Problem is that I lose interest in the show once it is down to ten. I like the drama and the tears of Hollywood week.

* I don't actually have a Hoover brand vacuum cleaner.

Hollywood week. (Hell week) (My Heaven week)

2009-02-05T10:52:00.006-05:00

It is Hollywood Week. This is the very best part of this show. I am such a sadist. I love watching these people break down from the pressure. Obviously they have some semblance of talent, or else they would not be there. (Save for the people who get voted through to irritate one of the judges). This week is there to test their mettle, their endurance. This is my favorite part of the show because some people really begin to shine, but more importantly, I like watching people break down. This is where they show how hard they will work, and how badly they really do want this.

I watched the first day, but did not write about it. So I am watching the second day. I am so excited to see the bikini girl get eviscerated by Kara. I have been looking forward to Tatiana's (the crazy pageanty girl who gives kisses from her chin) breakdown. And it comes early in the show. Yay. Wow. She is truly the kind of person we do not want to give the power of celebrity to. Yikes.

These kids let the drama of their groups get to them too much. If one of their members needs to take a break, they should go on rehearsing without them so that when they go on stage, they are the best they can be. Instead they waste all their time confronting the non-compliant one. That's dumb. That way they all suck, instead of just the one who does not want to work as hard.

I wonder what the Norman character will do? I feel like he will melt into the background without his shiny shirt, sweatband and glasses. I don't think he will give as much energy as himself. Then he will go home.

I want the boy who opens his mouth bigger than an anaconda while singing "Over the Rainbow" to go home. The guy with the chin pins needs to go too because he is such a drama queen. It is tiresome. When I was a kid, my siblings called me waterworks. I ain't got nothing on this kid. Quit crying already.

Okay, it is performance time. I wonder how many people will cry and how many will bitch about being cut. Can you imagine going to an interview and being told that they don't need you for the job, then laying into the employer? I can't.

Dangit!! Is Katrina (bikini girl) not going on stage? BUT I NEED THE INTERACTION WITH KARA! Oh good. She is back. She is a true diva and I bet she thinks she is a really great person who deserves all the best treatment in the world. Blech. I will call her special circumstances girl.

Yay, Eliza Dushku is back on a new show. I have missed her. I need a DVR that records four shows at a time. I am missing so much good tv.

The first group is great. Even my lover is grinning at them. And Nick (aka Norman) made it through. Wow. However I did not recognize him until they said his name. Yikes, the group that included the multi-hued hair girl (Emily) suuuucccckkkkkeeddd. Emily just said, after being booted, "This is the only thing I know how to do" which is really sad because she does not know how to do this at all. So how will she ever get by? Her groupmate just said Paula had evil in her eyes. Why Paula? She sits there so impotently when the group is being canned.

I like Danny Gokey's voice (most of the time). I like that raspy thing.

Good Lord, what is Paula wearing? It is like a purple sequined body suit, that is wickedly high cut, because there is skin to be seen just under her boob. I bet when worn alone, it looks like one of those leotards (but with glitter) that Jane Fonda used to make us watch her wear.

It is time for Special Circumstances and her group. Confrontation time. Jasmine is the only diva that doesn't suck. Aw, bye Rose. Sad. She is so cute. But I am impressed that she made it that far. Jasmine will be one of the top singers. And it turns out that SC girl is really quite sweet.*

The Osmond kid is going home and he wants an opportunity to show what he can do. Can't he just call his aunt and ask to be on her new talk show? He is an OSMOND for goodness sakes. They make up 35% of the population. Opportunity. Cripes.

WHAAAT? Tatiana's group made it through? They sounded like my cat (x4) when I accidentally kicked him.

Headband/chin pins group is up. This kid is annoying to me. I wonder if he will cry?* He looks like a 1950's gas station attendant. Harmony is hard, but it should not be this hard. I am bleeding from my left ear. I should sue. Dang, we have to watch his water works some more. But this drama is why I love this part of the show soooo much. Yay.

What do the people with small children do? Who watches them? How can they live without their kids? Well, they have weeded through and we are down to 75 contestants. Who will be America's next ~~Top Model~~ Idol?

* This would be known as sarcasm.

Don't you dare Lie To Me

2009-01-29T17:26:00.002-05:00

I am watching the pilot episode of "Lie To Me" with Tim Roth, whom I love and don't think I have seen since "Four Rooms". Hold on, let me check that... Wow, he has done 32 projects since that film. Oops. Guess I don't love him as much as I thought I did.

This show is about an expert of behavior who can glean whether or not someone is lying based on micro-expressions and body language. I need this skill, though I know that it would make me crazy, seeing how much people lie.

I am fascinated by the research that has gone into this show. They display images of famous faces to demonstrate scorn, anger, shame. I do wonder though if one can learn the tells to hide when they are lying and if this program is teaching me to expertly conceal the truth.

This program takes place in DC, which is another thing I love, though it forces me to analyze the areas to prove that they dn't really film in the District. The first episode deals with a Senator accused of patronizing prostitutes in Georgetown. I am afraid that every episode will deal with the members of the Hill, since this show is taking place here and they all seem to be liars. Then this show will be like watching CSPAN.

AI - Auditions day 2

2009-01-15T12:06:00.003-05:00

The directors of AI are funny people. They had an intro of a very pretty girl who talks about her powerful voice. It was a very serious intro and then she sang like a tape that has been in the sun too long.

This next girl chose a song that Simon co-wrote and then messed up the words. Oops. But she has a nice voice, so I guess all is forgiven.

I am sitting around waiting for the cable guy to show up and replace my cable box. But I still have to get through this two hour show. And I am not feeling clever at all, so I am afraid this may come out as a clinical assessment instead of my typical witty banter. (I sure do blow my own horn a lot, but no one reads this blog, so I can do as I wish. Sometime I am going to write an entry that just states "Bug rules!!" 73 times. But not today).

I want someone to sing Sara Bareilles "Love Song" because it is in my head.

There is a distinct correlation between funny looks and funny voices. (Looks to include outfit). I think they could toss out anyone wearing a hat without even listening to them sing and save some time. WHAAAT? They liked the "Over the Rainbow" singing hat wearer? He won't last.

Jason Castro's brother is on the show. I wanna guess that he is going to suck, but I have a feeling and turns out he's got a nice voice. He sings a bit in his throat, but you know, whatever. He looks like a German girl.

Jennifer Jason Leigh's little sister is on. She is so nervous that my television set is vibrating. She likes to be called Jazz, and then she tips her hat. I wonder if that is her signature move. Her reactions due to the utter silence from the judges are wonderful. I wish they would let her stay just because she entertains me. I am a cruel mistress.

Rembrandt needs to go to Kansas City and get to bleaching some teeth. Their teeth look like my newly painted walls (which are yellow if you are not getting where I am going here).

Well, the cable guy is here now and I am getting a new/used box. It had better work better than the last one. He is having a hard time connecting it so I had better go help. I missed the last 35 minutes of AI, but I am fairly certain I did not miss much.

Seacrest OUT!

It's back!!! Season 8

2009-01-14T00:25:00.001-05:00

Yay! It’s American Idol time again. I like the auditions and I like the process getting these kids onto the stage where the hockey moms and little girls/boys vote for them. That’s when my interest peters off and I fast forward through the songs just to hear what Paula is going to say. I want to start a drinking game. Every time anyone says anything that is more than 100%, you drink. (Drink 1 million %! 100 thousand million percent!). Anytime Paula seriously slurs, you drink. OR you can play the drinking game with 3 others and pick a favorite judge. Then if you picked Randy, you can point to someone to drink when he says “dawg”. Or if you picked Simon, you can make someone drink when he says “I’m not being mean”. You get the gist. Make up your own rules. Sheesh. Do I have to do everything here!?!?

Oh, the show is starting. I liked their opening sequence that reminds us of why we watch this show. Weirdos, genuinely talented people, Paula and Simon, oh and weirdos. I mean seriously. That is why we watch the auditions, right? Now we have a new judge. I wonder how the two girls will get along?

I wonder how long before my love for Simon is reignited.

First up is an asian-fro. I am very glad to see the fro making a new appearance. I want to touch his hair. Well, not really. It looks square. I bet Simon’s hair would look like that if he grew it out. Paula looks like she stepped out of a Flintstone’s cartoon with all her big rock like purple plastic jewelry. That guy inspired me to want to wear tap shoes out. You know, to shop or go to the movies.

I hate facial piercings. They make me nervous. The girl who has is sooo cute. But I hate her piercings. I have a good feeling about her though. (Oh, and there it is. 19 minutes in and Simon had the grin and I am right back in love with him. It is out of control.)

Oh wow, the next guy considers himself a rocker? He looks like a nerd who dressed up in the manner he believes rockers dress. What is hanging out of his pocket? Cry baby. He believes this is going to change his life “tremensly”. Yes, that’s what he said. He has tattoos. He must have wept while getting those. I bet they hurt tremensly. Oh else they were applied with Sharpie. And Simon called him a dramar queen. (I love the British accent). Oh, and later in the program they show him using the thing dangling from his pocket as a prop for his air guitar.

The guy who almost passed out could play the brother of Gollum from “Lord of the Rings”. My precious.

I don’t get people who go and wait for days to just go in front of the judges and look mentally unstable.

Stevie Wright is cute, too. I bet she makes it through to the top 12 or whatever the final group is.
Bikini clad girl... Honestly, if I had her body, I would go everywhere in a bikini.

Is it me or is everyone singing through their noses again? I hate nasally singers. These guys sound seriously whiny. A what is with the new trend of breaking notes? I feel like they can’t hold the note. It does not sound catchy with the cracks. It’s yucky. Stop it. Between this and the vocal acrobatics that they can’t quite manage, I am going quite deaf.

HarHumphrey

2008-12-02T00:26:00.004-05:00

Jen won't watch it anymore. Apparently, it did not make the grade of watchable television for the busy busy girl. I, however, love Gossip Girl. I love it. I love the chemistry between Blaire and Chuck; Serena and the boy from Brooklyn whose name I suddenly can't remember, but seriously, how important is he? It's his dad I notice. Is that shameful? No, because I am 35 and I should be looking above the high school aged boys.

Oh, it frustrates me to see these kids drinking. Especially when I think about the puritan I was in high school. (Whaaa? You wanna do more than make out? You are outta here, fella. by the way, Eric Hemeon, if you happen to read this, I totally thought you were awesome and if you read this, contact me....)

In any case, I am feeling old. I like the DAD! What the he... Am I even allowed to watch this show anymore? No, this is not much of a show review, but what have you 3 readers come to expect of me? (One of those reader is me, and I have learned not to expect much. Sigh)

G'night kids. I am sleepy. Probably going to dream about how I was not attending balls and drinking martinis at age 17. Well, I am not even doing that now.

American Nasal Awards

2008-11-23T23:19:00.001-05:00

I am watching the American Music Awards. Decided to live-post because I really wanted to expound on my dislike for Jamie Foxx. But now I am watching the Old Guys on the Block. This group actually looks like a cover band that is there to mock them. I was never a fan, so I am not sure, but have they always sung through their noses? Gosh, they may be the worst singers ever. Sort of the offspring of Aaron Neville. These medleys…. They are seemingly never-ending. Where did they find the fat hookers to dance with them?

There are two guys in the front row that are not enthralled by being at this award show. And I wonder how much time will go by before Kanye beats Jimmy Kimmel up. Scott Weiland is still alive? Good for him! Ooh, he is sounding a bit like the really old guy from the Stones. And as he introduces P!nk (my favorite), he states that she is performing sober. Interesting. Drugs are bad, boys and girls. P!nk looks pretty, even though her dress has a built in muff. Is she worried she may be cold? Oh, Weiland said that she was performing the song “Sober”. Still he had to get the irony that he introduced this, right? Well, I suppose we should be glad he gets anything. I think the Celebrity Death Pool had him going fairly soon.

Nice eyeliner, David Cook. My audio is off, or else Taylor Swift is doing a seriously bad job lip synching. I think she is lip synching. Dude, she is just sitting there and she needs to fake it? How bad is her voice without the studio? Is she the new Ashlee Simpson (congrats on the baby with the dumb name!). The Rascal Flatts guys hardly applauded. She is one of theirs. Shameful.

Jimmy Kimmel looks bloated. But Chad Kroger looks better since he straightened his poodle hair. Jay-Z has never won an American Music Award? He streak is not over. Jimmy, RUN! Kanye’s comin’ to gitcha.

Leona Lewis sings through her nose, too. (Though how could she not. Look at it. Yes, I am mean. So what?) Shall I redub this the American Nasal Awards? You know, the people are getting wild applause but when the camera cuts to audience reactions, they look pretty darn bored.

Oh, Miley. Maybe I am old, but her staging freaks me out. She’s sixteen today. Still a bit short of legality towards her boyfriend, but closer to her next career as a stripper, based on her choreography. Oh, Miley.

The thing on Alicia Keys forehead is too easy a target and thusly I am leaving it alone. They are honoring Mariah? Oh, for the whole #1 thing. Cool. But can anyone tell me why she is crazy? Is it the norm for women with pipes like that to go crazy? (Think Whitney).

Dude, Rihanna, quit taking your sweet ass time getting to the stage. You are like the pedestrians that crawl across the street, just begging me to hit them with my car. Though, that Chris kid is a keeper. He took her purse for her so she could slowly saunter to the stage. Nice boy.

Lil Wayne is some serious creepy! Kanye is so much cuter when he smiles. Why does he keep trying to keep the smile off his face? Is he fishing for street cred by looking so non-smiley? He is a gazillionaire. There’s your street cred, dude.

I wonder if I would have loved the Jonas Brothers if I were 13. I don’t think my niece is into them. Is Joe the non-curly haired one? Run, boys! “The Dream” wants to strangle you. Why would you say that on an award show about a bunch of little boys? Oh, here comes Beyonce. I hope that means Justin Timberlake will be donning a leotard to back her up again. Beyonce dances the way that Elizabeth Berkley moved in Showgirls. Kind of like a seizure/electrocution. I am starting to think I should have watched “24” instead of this. Yeah, I should have. They just followed the Jonas Brothers up with the Pussy Cat Dolls. My personal Hell. Is that Miley Cyrus up there with them? Just kidding. Damn that girl is bendy.

Aw, Annie Lennox. Did she ever have a thing with that floppy haired blond guy in her band? I love her. Hey she talked about him. But I guess it was never a thing.

Is it just me, or could Natasha Bedingfield be Chelsea Handler’s sister? Okay, I was ready to write this whole show off, and then they pull out Sarah McLachlan and is that Pink with her? Yay. I love both. Especially Sarah. Yes I am come from the Lilith Fair generation. Rock on, my sisters! (Sarah is on the show because she is releasing a greatest hits album. Not to be nitpicky, but haven’t most of her last couple of cd’s been compilations of previously released songs? Is motherhood sapping the creativity from her? Oh whatever. I am such a sucker for her, I will probably buy it.) Congrats on your second daughter, Sarah.

Oh, Queen Latifah! I love her too. And Alicia Keys looks a bit like my friend’s daughter Hannah. That was a good song to end it on. But generally, that show was a waste of time. (I am apparently woefully out of the loop in popular music tastes. Crap. It was hard enough tuning to Classic Rock and finding songs from High School on there. I am only 35! Jeepers!!!)

People's Sexy Men

2008-11-20T13:28:00.001-05:00

I wrote about it over here. Go check it out.

My trip to LA was not like this at all.

2008-11-18T15:07:00.004-05:00

Oh man, I had the most wicked crush on David Duchovny when he was on the X-Files. My ex bore a slight resemblance to him, even. Hmm. That's a little disturbing. I have a crush on Jensen Ackles from Supernatural now. Wonder if that means I am going to find someone that resembles him. That would not be too shabby because he sure is purty. (If you look like him, email me:)

I have been watching Californication and lo and behold, the crush remains. My crushes seem to lie dormant when the one in question is not in sight. Much like my crush on Simon Cowell that fades away between seasons and then flares up like a cold sore at the premiere of American Idol.

This show, Californication, blows me away (forgive the terminology). The things they do! The nakedness they display, not only in body but also in their acting. I don't think I could run around so confidently naked in front of the cast/crew and every person that will watch the show including parents and possible future dates (not to mention nieces/children/friends). Still, it is remarkably believable and interesting. The show is not even really about sex, but rather the connections/issues/ties, etc. that it seems to bring. I love that one of the main characters never is naked (Natascha McElhone). I don't know how to feel now that I have seen Paula Marshall's boobies and one of my favorite actresses (Judy Greer) as a happy prostitute. Big departure from her role as Becky Freeley in Miss Guided.

The cheating makes me crazy in a Fatal Instinct kind of way. I would frickin' lose my mind if I were treated the way some of these characters are treated. The general lack of faithfulness (that is an extremely strong word for what I am trying to say here because there is very little attempt at even coming close to faithfulness) is really frustrating to me. I can't stand the fact many of the characters seem to have not even an inkling of remorse while cheating on each other.

Still, Hank Moody actually tries to be true to his lady, though he is quick to throw in the towel when they are not considering themselves a couple.

This show could be labeled as a gigantic misogynistic portrayal of Hollywood. But I actually believe that this is a pretty darn honest show and it is presented with a lot of heart. Finally an intelligent show that has made it to two seasons! Yay.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS #1

2008-11-18T01:07:00.005-05:00

I first noticed it back when watching Dharma and Greg. It was more difficult to come by in those days. I had to pause my VCR and slowly forward the tape in order to get rid of the tracking lines so I could read the words. In the days of a DVR, life is much simpler. Well, maybe not life, but certainly reading Chuck Lorre's wise words.

I love Big Bang Theory. I think it is one of the most clever shows on TV. I loved the episode where they mixed corn starch (or some derivative... What do I know, I am no physicist) mixture and let it bounce around on a Saran Wrap covered speaker. It looked like a little dancing Michelin Man. Hilarious. I loved the new take on Paper/Rocks/Scissors that was on the show tonight. They added lizard and Spock. Nice. These are the simple things that change the American cultural collective.

I will admit to being horrified at the way Johnny Galecki and guest star Sara Rue were rubbing saliva all over each other. The noises! I will have to sleep with the radio and the fan on tonight. Yuck. I hate TV kissy noises. And the way they dive after each with mouths agape and tongues a-flailing. It's like two mama birds with some weird attempt at trying to feed each other, while violently defending their own flock. (Hmm, maybe not the best analogy, but it's late and I am tired and you are just going to have to make due).

I like Chuck Lorre. I think he is clever and funny and witty and smart. I like that he is not afraid to say what he means even though he does seem to get censored a lot. If you have never noticed or never read his Vanity cards that are run after his shows, you can read them here (except for the censored ones. If you know where to find those, let me know!).

Companies that owe me money for having been advertised on this blog:
Michelin
Saran Wrap
CBS
Chuck Lorre Productions

Season 5, Episode 7: Business Trip

2008-11-17T12:11:00.004-05:00

Pam's back on The Office. That's great. Who does not like Pam? While I think it is realistic that she would decide to not retake the computer class, I hate that she didn't. What are 12 weeks in the greater scheme of things? Does this mean that she is just going to go back to being Pam the receptionist /object of Scranton desire?

Michael went to Winnipeg. Nice. I loved how he talked to, how do you say, Marie (?) the Concierge. That is how Jen spoke French in Quebec. She, however, said it with a, how do you say, French accent. Good times!

When is that idiot who is engaged to Angela going to figure out that she is a wild mynx in bed with Dwight?

I am not feeling very clever, so that is all you get today.

The end.

I am the TV show whisperer. Listen to me!!

2008-11-15T17:02:00.004-05:00

Now that I have finally learned what "Jump the shark" means, I want to declare that Ghost Whisperer has officially jumped the shark. It was bad enough when they killed off Aisha Tyler because she is awesome and interesting and so much prettier than Camryn Manheim which matters to me as I am very shallow.
They killed Jim? How lame. The relationship between Melinda and Jim was one of the reasons I tuned in. It is nice to see two people maintaining their individuality while still being a good couple. Killing Jim was bad enough but then he climbed into someone else's body? What did the actor do to piss the writers off?
Gah. I could totally guess how the episode was going to progress. I am close to vetoing this show from my list even though it makes me cry every single week. (Hey, I may be shallow, but I am a sappy sucker, too). I am double mad because Jim climbed into the body of a guy who was a lead on Jericho which means that Jericho is definitely not coming back and what is wrong with the Networks in that they are absolutely blind to good television (see Freaks and Geeks), but shows like The Biggest Loser have been on since 2004. Seriously, how many fatties are there for Jillian and Bob to beat into slimhood through weird television approved obstacles? (I had to look up their names because I watched this show once (as I will watch any show once) and Jillian would scare the weight off of me! But the dude seemed unnoteworthy and therefore I could not recall his name.
In any case, Ghost Whisperer... what the heck? Maybe they need some new writers? Or should just cancel before it sucks royally and I am forced to come back and delete this entry because I can't have anyone know that I actually watched this ~~dribble~~ drivel. SEE? It's making me dumber already!

Letter to New Amsterdam creators:

2008-03-12T23:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, you guys tricked me. I thought this show would suck based on the pilot, but you redeemed yourselves in the second episode. We learned that the man is indeed fertile, yet a doting father, keeping his aging kin around him to do stuff for him. I think I would do the same. Still, I am worried that maybe some of his children were born without his knowledge and as it seems he has been in NYC forever, how could he not have "run into" one? (Forgive my crassness). John Amsterdam is growing on me. Suddenly he is handsome. (This always takes me a while to decide). But he is. And the actor is Danish. Did not expect that! I still think this is a fairly unattractive cast, but maybe I am starting to appreciate it? (Say it ain't so! I am okay with my shallowness).
I'm sold. Bring it on. But don't make it stupid. And stop showing me those Native American women who say he won't die. I get it. Boring.

"Where's the Beef?"

2008-03-12T22:34:00.003-04:00

Dominique looks like a bit like Lisa D'Amato from Cycle 5.

Fatima has some issues. She is such a bitch. Ugh, I no likey. She is worse than the crappy "supermodels" of the 90's. Amis skipped..? Are these people just here for their 15 minutes of fame?

This is the cattiest group of people I have ever seen. I have that shirt, the one that Melvita has on. It looks better on her. Sigh. Ha! Dominique just called Whitney white trash. Hey kettle. I generally like the drama, but this is a bit much.

I feel like Claire is going to win this whole thing. But if Lauren can learn how to walk, she really has a great look.

Aimee does not like to get naked in front of others. Being a model is being naked all the time. Slipping in and out of clothes blackstage means nudity.

Oh, Fatima is going home. And Claire won the runway, I think. Nope. Katarzyna. Meanwhile, all the girls are talking about what Jaslene said to them (Amis: She said something really important to me, wait I forget what she said exactly.) I think her comments will inspire Lauren to get help with her walk.

Um, are they trying to say that Jay Manuel is a hunk of beef? Questionable. This is disgusting. Whose idea was this? Oh, Amis is going home. She is so bizarre. I want to like her, but she is throwing this chance away. Hey, she is being seen by a ton of people. Maybe this is her foray into acting? Damn, though, I thought Fatima would go.

Why is Tyra singing? What's going on? Tyra is commenting on how great everyone looks. I think she is setting Amis up for a massive roasting! But I love her (Amis) picture.

Anya looks like an old Jewish Polish man.

My picks:
Bottom two: Amis and Fatima.

Going home: Fatima.

Call order:
Anja.
Whitney
Katarzyna
Claire
Dominique
Staci-Ann
Lauren
Melvita
Marvita
Aimee

Bottom 2:
Fatima and Amis
Going home:
I kind of want Fatima to stay for the drama. And she is.
Goodbye Amis. You can go back to being Amy. Best wishes on the comedy circuit.

The Makeover Show

2008-03-06T20:37:00.001-05:00

Makeover show!

Omigod, I am so excited. I am seriously missing me some Marci right now. I don’t like watching this show without her. But on to making these girls look better/different.

I didn’t know that girls from Wisconsin could be so bitchy. Oh my damn! The female circumcision girl just called the Wisconsin girl BIG. Fatima is a mega-bitch. My goodness!

Ooh, they are going to go on a high fashion shopping spree at Walmart. Nice. Has anyone ever checked out the Walmart in Alexandria? Scary! No thanks. The one in Colorado is super awesome and I would shop there any day of the week.

Does the guy from Cover Girl look like Sean Hayes who played Jack on Will & Grace? He does. Take my word for it.

Why is a piece of Claire’s head shaved? She does not strike me as a punk.

Whoa, Allison is not attractive when she has no makeup on. But Fatima annoys me. I hate people like her who drop the biggest bombs on people and then act like it is your fault they said the most horrific thing possible.

Get on with the makeovers already! I wonder if they can de-ghetto-fy Dominique. I would not be a success on this show, because I can simply not bring myself to cheer and clap every time something happens. Wooo Tyra! Woo scissors! Woo lint! No.

Oh no. They made Anya look like a 65 year old Jewish man with long hair. Marvita and Lauren look pretty! I dig Claire’s platinum. Nice. Gag. Fatima is whining about her weave. Shut it. But damn if she doesn’t look beautiful. Allison looks like a girl on Beverly Hills 90210. No, Allison looks like Isla Fisher. Dominique has a bit of Amanda Peet in her. She still looks like a dude.

Who do I think will go home? I have no idea!
Bottom two:
Amis
Allison?
Dominique?

I dunno. No call for who is going home.
Damn! Called the bottom three! Woo!
Down to Allison and Dominique.

Bye Allison. Maybe this will teach her some humility. Based on her goodbye hug with Tyra, don’t think so.

New Amsterdam Pilot

2008-03-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

I have been looking forward to this show. They started promoting it last summer. So it had better be good because I know an attorney and am feeling litigious.

Starts off with a “Grey’s Anatomy” voiceover, dead people, sexy time, and a violent dream. Okay! Let’s go!

Why do immortal people always wear long black trench coats?

I’ll bet this guy can’t use email. He is still using one of the first cameras! My old boss was in his 50’s and he could not email. (Hell, we were lucky he could turn his computer on). This guy is 100s of years old. I’m gonna bet he can’t send an email.

Ew. He touched blood with his bare finger. Remember becoming blood brother/sisters with your best friend? You’d both prick a finger and the hold them together as your bond with them was made thicker than mud. Who was that I become blood sisters with…?

He can’t die until he finds “the one” and their souls are wed. I feel like I have that curse, too. My mom thinks I will find my true love in the nursing home. Super.

The people on this show are too normal looking. Where are the abnormally stunning medical professionals or confusingly gorgeous medical examiner? (I am not warped by television casting). Yikes, even the bartender has lost the genetic lottery. Some people are going to love this. Not me. I like to live temporarily in a world where even the homeless people are hot.

So far, I think I like “Woman’s Murder Club” better. (I think that WMC was cancelled. Bastards). I also liked Journeyman, but I think they cancelled that too. I am mad about that especially because I wanted to see if I could get used to the fact that the lead character “Dan” sounds just like Alan Alda.

I wonder if this guy is fertile. If so, how many little Amsterdams are running through the world? And do his great grandchildren have grandchildren by now? Has he accidentally had a “run-in” with one of his offspring?

The show had a cool photo montage of Times Square. I believe it was the Gridiron Building.

This show has no real emotion. It does not pull me in. They had an opportunity to delve into Amsterdam’s emotions with the old woman recognizing him, but they mostly brushed it off. It’s like they want us to think there is a ton under the surface, but refuse to do anything to prove it. So we are stuck with an empty shell of a show, where the shell is not even that attractive. I am not sold.

New York City, Here We Come

2008-02-27T20:13:00.003-05:00

Before I even begin watching, I just want to say that thus far I am sorely underwhelmed by the girls of cycle 10. They are mostly ugly and generally stupid. (You know, more so than normal). Yet, I have only seen one episode and in it they were left to their own devices in regards to hair and makeup and good Lord how I love the makeover show and why is that not the episode that is on tonight? (Holy mother of run-on sentences. I do feel run-on sentences go with the style of ANTM).

So, let's watch and see if they get prettier.

Off the cuff notes on the top 14:
Kimberly looks like a smushed Reese Witherspoon.
The plus size model has an oddly small head
Dominique looks like she is from Woodbridge. She terrifies me.

Kim makes herself an easy target. She needs to stop making comments about how people think she is a dumb blonde. I'd like her better if she kept her mouth shut.

The Somali girl has a high potential for getting annoying with her need to profess how strong she is. I get that she has been through a lot, but I don't feel I need to hear it everytime I see her. Plus, damn, she has not one bit of tact. I think it stems from her insecurity. She needs to settle down.

Why does Anya talk so strangely? I have never heard of anyone from Hawaii talking like her.

Claire is 24... really...?

First runway show is for Badgley Mischka. Nice! I love Badgley Mischka. I was in Saks once and saw this gorgeous dress on a rack all by its lonesome in the middle of an empty area. I wondered why it was all alone. I looked at the dress. It was a hand beaded (all over), cocktail length dress for $30,000. Yeah.

Omigod, can I say that I just got a little giddy when Paulina Porizkova came out? She was my favorite when I was little. I thought she was the epitome of beautiful. She still is. I still like her. Especially because she just called Dominique a transvestite. Oh, she is harsh! I DIG it.

I am looking forward to the throw down between Fatima (the Somalian) and Marvita.

Aimee looks like the girl from My Girl (Anna Chlumsky).

The throwdown was a let down. Sigh. But I was right about the reasons for Fatima's behavior.

The marquee Tyra mail is funny because it forces the girls to read the...way...they...normally...do...

Kim? always? talks? like? this? And? I? may? have? to? go? find? her? and? glue? her? mouth? shut?

Tyra looka like the doll she played in Life Size.

I like Lauren. I hope she figures it out a bit. Why would you want to model when you are so not really in that mind-set?

Some things they must change: the top knot on Dominiques head in addition to her frightening orange hue. Speaking of orange hue, change the color of Fatima's hair.

Um, Kim is an idiot. What are these girls doing here? Kim does not like fashion? Lauren is an awkward stick. Oh! Okay, bye Kim. Guess I don't have to glue her mouth shut. Good for her for getting out when she realized the modelling world was not for her.

Bye bye Atalya. I am glad she is gone. Based on the two pictures we have seen, she only has one face for the cameras. Boring.

Next week: MAKEOVER SHOW!

Girls Ain't Nothing But Trouble

2008-02-27T19:30:00.003-05:00

Greatest opening dream sequence ever! Allison was having a silent movie dream in the vein of
Villian: "You must pay the rent!"
Lady in distress: "I can't pay the rent!"
Hero: "I'll pay the rent!"
Well done! The little one who plays the youngest of Dubois girls was laughing but they did a pretty good job of acting melodramatic.

I really like this show. A big part of it is the family dynamic aspect. Allison and Joe have been lauded (along with the couple from Friday Night Lights) as the most realistic couple on TV. Additionally, the characters in and of themselves are so real and multi-dimensional. I am not in the mood to wax poetic on why they are, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

In this episode, Joe has to deal with some of his eldest's teenager type actions, like asking to be dropped off a block from school, and having magical access to money. I am writing this as I watch, which is harder than it seems! I'm looking at the title and wondering how it will play in. The lead suspect of the case Allison is working on, has two daughters. Joe is dealing with Arielle. Are ALL girls trouble? I'd like to think I'm an angel.

Huh, I think I may be psychic, too! (Which is going to make my boss so happy as he seems to believe it is part of my job description). I said angel and Allison drew a sort of angel/fairy on her pad (okay, so it was more fairy than angel... Maybe I only have ESP2).

Ooh, Patricia Arquette needs to be fitted for a better bra. She's sporting the double set of boobs. (Overflow ain't purty). Man, she's got massive hooters. I never noticed before. I do love her. I think she's great in this role. I apologize for judging her for the spillage.

Unfinished ending to this episode. Hmph.

Joel McHale is not dumb

2007-06-16T10:21:00.000-04:00

On May 25, when discussing Desperate Housewives, Joel stated that Edie hanged herself. He is not only wildly intelligent, his carefree delivery demonstrates his worldliness. Or, he has a good writer. Whatever. Good job, Soup!

Bug can pick 'em

2007-05-25T11:19:00.001-04:00

I just want it on the record that I can pick American Idol winners. Of the three seasons that I have really watched (well, I started watching this season but lost interest pretty quickly...), I picked the winner from the very beginning each time. I picked Kelly, Carrie and Jordin. I am the smartest person in the world. (Or I have the same mentality as middle aged housewives and 12 year old girls.)

Into the Woods

2007-05-09T23:13:00.000-04:00

Why did the guy who stabbed the Hardware shop owner break the window of the door to get in when the owner never even had the chance to lock it before getting stabbed? That's the kind of crap that makes me hate a television show.

As for the rest of it..

I am glad Susan went after What's his name.. But it all played out way too cleanly. That would never have happened in my life.

I am glad that Lynette's husband (the gay guy from Melrose Place) stood up for his marriage. I think that he is just as responsible and I appreciated his stance. I also understood where she was coming from and I hope that she can reignite the romance with her man. (Her husband man, I mean). And just because you enjoy someones company does not mean you wanna sleep with them. GEEZ.

As for Gabrielle and the Mayor guy... he is ugly and stupid and I don't see that working out. Besides, he is connected to the mafia? The story line is stupid and overbearing. And I am tired and bored of this. Let's get Ryan Reynolds to prance around shirtless on the show and my attention will be on it 100%.
Gnight.

Lost. No kidding.

2007-05-09T14:38:00.001-04:00

Okay, I have to admit that I have no idea what is going on anymore. Locke's dad is locked (heh, get it? LOCKEd? ) up in a galley on the black ship. Locke drags Sawyer off to kill him, knowing that this is the guy that has been haunting Sawyer his whole life, the recipient of the "Dear Mr. Sawyer" letter that a young James wrote after his daddy killed his mummy.

I do understand that everyone is intricately tied together and that the show is a bit weird, but how did they bring Locke's dad to the island. They don't have the submarine anymore, after all... Also, is he really Lockes' Dad? I kind of thought that he was just a con man who tricked him. I didn't think he was actually the sperm donor.

Locke's dad says that he thinks the island is Hell and that everyone is already dead, making mention yet again of the fact that the plane was found with all the dead bodies inside.

What the heck is going on?

You know what? The show is weird, and I don't understand what is going on, but I'm in. Okay? DO YOU HEAR ME ABC? I SAID I AM IN! Until the end. I have faith that it will be good. But if it ends stupidly, I will go to each writer and personally step on each one's foot.

Is that what I think it is?

2007-04-27T22:16:00.000-04:00

I was procrastinating writing my paper and thus found myself on the big yellow couch with a nice wine and Grey's Anatomy. Then I saw this:

Um, what the hell is that? Is that...? Could it be...? Would they show that on public television? Seriously, what else could it be? Where the heck were the ABC censors on that day? America gets up in arms about Janet Jackson's funky boob at the Superbowl, but seeing THAT is okay? I'm just saying.

Later in the show Meredith is taking her shirt off for Dr. McDreamy, but they show nothing. So a woman producing a show protects the skin of a woman and exposes the danglies of a man. Fascinating.

My Words of Wisdom. 4.12.07

2007-04-17T16:47:00.001-04:00

Scrubs said goodbye to one of its own in its typical fashion; heavy on the humor with a dash of seriousness and a pinch of sadness.

What made me think, however, was the relationship between Eliot and pretty doctor boy. (Keith? Kevin?) I think it is Keith, so that's what we will call him. I hope that is right, so as not to confuse. Eliot has been busting her hump (her lovely lady lumps) to be the "cool" girlfriend. So when Keith tells her he is heading off to Las Vegas to do things that don't leave Vegas with his buddies over their first anniversary, she says cool.

Now, every other guy in the place wishes their girlfriend would be that way, and let them get away with murder. Keith's reaction? He wants to break up with her.

I have noticed something with men. When girls want to be with them, they are stand-offish and when girls are indifferent, they begin to cling. (Maybe everyone is like that.) Would Keith want to be a great boyfriend to Eliot had she not spent the first year of their relationship being apathetic to him as a mate? Is this a demonstration of how to make a guy want to be in a relationship?

The reasoning behind Eliot's behavior was that she was hurt so many times by men that she did not want to put herself in that position again. Is that wall appealing? Where lies the middle ground that allows for two people to happily be together without giving up everything, and also without the walls for protection?

I will leave you with my favorite line from the show spoken by the Pastor at the funeral.

"I love you and there is nothing you can do about it."

The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

2007-04-15T17:55:00.000-04:00

Last week, which I did not write about, had Renee crying because all the girls hate her. All it showed me was these girls are so YOUNG. But Renee has turned a new leaf and is making an effort to be nice and likeable. I guess that is great for her housemates, but sucks for us ANTM watchers. I predict she will be a raging bitch again before too long.

I cannot believe that three of those girls are moms! And them kids is cute! What the hell kind of name is Ta'Kya? Wholahay is a better name than that. I don't even know how to say it. Tah-key-ah? Tah-kai-ah? Tah-kyay? Hmph. Maybe it is just a weird spelling of Jen.

This week the girls acted for us. I don't think we need to fear any of them pulling a Jennifer Hudson. (Though I still don't get that award.) I think Whitelle (Whitney) got into a fist fight with Pedro on stage. She had two black eyes. But in the end it was Renee who won the acting challenge and she chose Dionne to be her mate. They got t-shirts, those lucky bitches. But Renee, with her new sunny disposition, was ecstatic. And then we got to see babies! Aw, cute little babies. Troy is soo adorable. But man, seeing Renee and her husband made me think of a Maury Povitch show I saw once about these pre-teens who wanted to get married and have kids right away. Whoa.

They finally killed that squirrel roosting on Brittany's head. What the heck were they thinking with that thing? Her hair never looked good. She looked much cuter once they killed it. I don't think she is very pretty, though. She looks like a girl who would have been depicted in soap ads in the early 20th century. But I feel for her and her nappy ole weave. Imagine having a ponytail where one strand of hair is pinching. That hurts! Multiply that so it is all over your head and you can't loosen the pinch. Bah!

The photo shoot brought in girls from past cycles. It was fun to see them again, but none of them seemed to be too impressive. Even Joanie, who was my favorite, let me down. She has this weird smile which I am sure comes from years of hiding her snaggletooth. But the most random shoot was with Jael. She is an odd cat. She is ugly and speaks weird, and is generally unpleasant. But she takes wicked good pictures. Not this time, though.

Dionne had a photo with Kim, the lesbian. She was nervous because apparently she is not a kisser. I quote her saying "I don't even kiss my boyfriend". Is she a hooker?

In the end, Jael tried to fool us with a prim milk maid dress. But I saw right through her. Tyra intimidated like animals in the wild do, by showing us her massive thighs that she could crush us with. (No more short skirts, PLEASE).

Bye Whitelle! Go finish your Ivy League degree from my dream school. (Jealous)

24 - Season 6

2007-04-15T17:31:00.000-04:00

I have spent an inordinate amount of time catching up on the first 5 seasons of 24 so that I could watch the new episodes of season 6 which have been heavily populating my DVR since January. I have about 6 hours under my belt now. Some things I have noticed about the new season are:

Jack looks gooood. I like that shirt that makes his shoulders, chest and belly look yumm-o. That time in a Chinese prison did him good! Even if his hand looks like it was attacked by the Ebola virus.
They have cast a ton of shorties. I guess Kiefer got tired of men like Dennis Haysbert (6'4 1/2") and D.B. Woodside (6'3") towering over his 5'11" frame. So in came Peter MacNicol (5'8") I think he looks like he could be older, teenier brother of Will Ferrell. and Chad Lowe (5'8 1/2"). What is it with the Lowe brothers and their political roles?

Really, I don't have much to say. Marilyn looks like Snow White and are they ever going to address the fact that Josh (Jack's nephew) looks JUST LIKE Kim? Who is the real father? And more importantly, thanks to Paul McCrane (listed at 5'8", which I don't believe because I am 5'5" and was just as tall as him), I only 1 degree away from Kiefer Sutherland. Yeah!

Expose. Season 3. March 28, 2007

2007-03-31T19:38:00.000-04:00

Kiele Sanchez is hot. Who knew she had the pole skills? I loved all the cheesy sound effects they added to the "Expose" shoot. Swish goes the hat. Maybe Kiele forgot to turn off the cheesy acting for her death scene on the island. Hey! Maybe they can put her in the magic box, and wish her back to life... in her bikini... and trench coat...

When Sun asks Sawyer how Nikki got to the beach, I wish they would've referenced "Heathers" and he could have answered that she mumbled "Corn nuts", before her final death dance. BUT NO. Lost writers are not the same writers who write for "The Family Guy". They would have added that in for sure and then gone on a 23 second tangent about it.

Nikki (Kiele's Lost character) is a brazen fashion hussy, out searching the dirty island for her diamonds in a pair of white shorts! AND she manages to keep them clean. They would look khaki on me before I even got off the beach.

I liked how they refilmed some of the early stuff to show Nikki and Paolo. But, was Shannon suddenly wearing a wig, and if so, what did she do so drastically to her hair? Did she go all Britney for having been tossed off a hit show and then asked to leave Hawaii before she had a chance to get a DUI?

I can't wait to see how they get out this one. Will they dig themselves out? Will Nikki sift all that sand looking for each rock? Will the Lost writers leave us to suffer, knowing that they were buried alive?

Arby's

2007-03-31T19:30:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or does the Arby's logo over the men chasing after the pickup truck to get their curly fries, look like a male part?

The Girl Who Takes Credit - March 28, 2007

2007-03-31T18:53:00.000-04:00

This week the girls are going to be men and looking at them, it would seem to not necessitate much makeup for some of them. Is it just me, or are reality show producers running out of good looking people to put on their shows? This group is so uninteresting to me. The best looking one, in my opinion, is Renee, and she is pretty in the you-see-her-in-the-background-of-old-Aaron-Spelling-shows kind of way.

The show starts off with Natasha having phone sex with her mail orderee husband. They have a kid? Did I hear that right? I don't want to ever watch her growl into the phone again, please.

Why did they do that Raggedy Ann thing to Brittany's hair? That is the most god-awful thing I have seen since I accidentally dyed my friend's hair green in high school. Apparently you need to put some red into blonde hair before you dye it brown. Word to the wise.

The girls get to meet model Claudia Mason and Director of Elite Modeling, Cathy Gould. They demonstrate their best idiot faces and because this so impresses, repeat the agape mouth, wide eyed look at every opportunity.

Ah, and now they are men. Jaslene is an indifferent homeless man. This is a look she can really sell as we can see from this photo shoot as well as this one from a few weeks ago. I hope there is a market for it!

Natasha, fresh from another round of phone sex, brings her A game to the shoot. Toothpick flailin', crotch grabbin', gum foil grill flashin'! The girl is on fire as a skinny Eminem. Yes, skinnier than he used to be... I put foil on my tooth once and it sent a spark of pain through my system so severe that it changed my brown eyes to blue. True story!

I have to say I cheer when they cry. Maybe I should feel bad, but I don't. I gloat that they feel sad and leak from the eyes and nose and even more than that, I am thrilled to see that EVERYONE's nose looks red and huge when they cry.

It's time for Tyra to get all soft spoken and talk weird. I was thinking early on in the episode that they would give the boot (Louboutin?) to Dionne, but then I thought one of the fat girls was going. (Fat. Pheh. They are trying to tell me that size 8 to 10 is plus size? Not in America, honey!) Tyra tells weird Jael that she has some work to do, and then congratulates her for still being in the running for America's.Next.Top.Model. I have to admit that I would be confused by this. Work on what? Am I in trouble? I'm just sayin'. Jael got no advice, just an admonition.

Bye Diana. Apparently we will see you again, because you said we would on your way out the door. I'll hold my breath.

Buy Buy Buy

2007-03-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

My DVR hates me and thus I was left to stare mouth agape at the commercials. Commercials! They still make those? Even though I fast forward through them all? I used to get together with one of my friends every year to watch the Clio’s, the Academy Awards of the commercial world.
Since I was forced to watch them, I decided to discuss them.

Love:
1. GE wind commercials. I love the one where the kid gets on a hill to capture the wind in a jar and runs to his grandfathers side to help him blow out 100 candles on his cake. The looks on all of their faces when the wind blows out of that jar!! Brilliant.

2. Windows Vista WOW. I love to be wowed, and this commercial reminds me to stop and look every now and then. It's so simple. But I won't buy Vista.

3. Toyota Yaris. Hee hee, so cute! I want a Yaris, but only because of this commercial. They totally swiped the idea from "Spy vs. Spy", but brilliantly executed. Nicely done, Toy oh tah!

Hate:
1. Volkswagon, Safe happens. Um, so if you buy a VW, you are guaranteed to be in an accident? You'll be okay, but it will happen. That's what I get from these commercials. No thanks.

Which ones do you love and which make you want to throw your shoe at the TV set?